Monday, May 31, 2004

Linda Intolerance

Linda Cohn is the Tim Meadows of SportsCenter. She's the anti-Phish, the anti-Jim Brown, hanging around way past her prime. It's likely that she never even had a prime, but if she did, it clearly wasn't this current 40-year-old Slutbag McGee character she's trying to pull off nightly. During the late Sunday SC, she looked just sliiightly more like a hooker than Larry David's date to the Dodgers game. I'd say that she's slept with the entire cast and crew over there in Bristol, but you know that Steve Berthiaume would rather rabidly suck off the Red Sawx than oblige Linda's advances. You still owe Linda $200, she wants her $200 scrilla. Give'r her scrilla.

A frustrating note from that same late Sunday SC with Slutbag McGee and Rece Davis...On Memorial Day weekend, when we pause to remember all the people who lost their lives building the Jefferson Memorial, but more importantly when we celebrate the unofficial kickoff to summer, there wasn't a single baseball highlight until thirty minutes into the show. A quick breakdown of the first half-hour of Sunday's SC:

Set I: Pistons/Pacers highlights > 10 minutes of sub-par, barely credible analysis by Three Replaceable Guys, Commercial, Indy 500 highlights* > 10 minutes of unnecessary analysis (why?) of Buddy Rice's (who?!) victory, Interview with Buddy Rice, Commercial, NASCAR Coca-Cola 600 highlights**, Shameless Self-Promotion Cross-Promotion Top 100 Moments of the ESPN Era plug***, Commercial, BASEBALL HIGHLIGHTS.

*Cars went around in circles
**Cars also went around in circles here
*Slutbag McGee's plump thighs clearly revealed as she's shown standing next to a floating plasma screen

Why so much coverage of the Indianapolis 500, fellas? Next year, here's the plan: Show the fuckin' race highlights, show the fuckin' milk drinking, throw in a 10-second sound byte from the winner, next fuckin' highlight. The only way this turns into a 15-minute package at the top of the show is if the winner of the Indianaplis 500 is lactose intolerant and he dies in the winner's circle. Otherwise, it's a non-story, move on (dot-org).

So they just interviewed Jarome Iginla's father during the third period of Game Four of the NHL Finals. The exchange started off this way:

Unnecessary Blonde Woman Reporter: "Your son is finally getting some of the attention he deserves..."
Iginla's Father: "Well, he tries his best -- of course nobody is perfect except for one man, Jesus..."

I really can't argue with that, Jesus is a pretty cool dude.

Frustrated with ESPN too? Here's one man's take on the network's recent troubles.

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