Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Assist This

I'm really not much of a celebrity gossip at all, but for some reason I was pretty psyched when TiVo recorded the E! channel's Revenge of the Celebrity Assistants yesterday. Suuuure, why not give'r a whirl? Within the first five minutes of the show, three complete morons made three completely moronic statements about the life of a personal assistant to the stars. I offer no more set-up, they're pretty self-explanatory...without any further (Freddy) ado:

"Unlike any other profession, we are here to make somebody else's life better."
--Kerri Campos, personal assistant to Antonio Banderas, Melanie Griffith, and Sally Field

Let me see if I have this straight, Campos...The doctor who performs a life-saving operation on a child, the school teacher who non-sexually touches a bright yet unmotivated student, the Peace Corps volunteer, the Jedi rebel, these people aren't in a profession that makes somebody else's life better? But you, Campos, you can sleep better at night because you baked Sally Field a fuckin' corn and tofu quiche? And if she asked, you know that you'd comb through her stool and pick that corn right the fuck out of there. Motherfucker, Mexican goalkeeper Jorge Campos has done more for the betterment of people's lives than you have. Get over yourself, lickbag, you pick up dry cleaning and Nun crap for a living.

"They do everything...It's an incredible amount of pressure, when you think about it, to be in such a delicate situation, right there in Ground Zero."
--Tina Dirmann, US Weekly Magazine

Yes, these personal assistants are right there in Ground Zero. Now I realize that the phrase "ground zero" existed before 9/11. But hasn't it become a proper noun at this point, one that signifies the tragedy of that world-changing event? Do you think then, Ms. Dirmann, that comparing the pressure of folding David Spade's freshly bleached tightie whities with the plight of New York's Bravest in the city's darkest hour was an appropriate analogy? This bitch should be forced to perform an hour of cunnilingus on a sweaty Kirstie Alley for making a mistake like that.

And finally, "Sometimes the celebrities need that support to get them through the day -- whether it be working, whether it be shopping, whether it be breathing."
--Flaming Flamowitz, owner Elizabeth Rose Agency

OK, I see where he was going with this. But let's assume for a moment that the celebrity in question did, in fact, need assistance breathing. Here's the part where I have trouble with this, and I have arranged a list of questions. How would the personal assistant even provide breathing assistance? Shouldn't the celebrity just hire a breathing assistant instead of a personal one? Is that a Lamaze coaching kind of thing, or is there some sort of pulminary massage involved? I'm sitting here racking my brain (for real, you should see me concentrating on this) and I can't think of a single way besides maybe punching some sorry asthma kid in the face and stealing his inhaler. "Sucks to your ass-mar," you'd say and run into the ocean. But then I'd be making some poor kid's life worse at the expense of enriching the life of, say, Olympia Dukakis. I loved you in Coneheads. You too.

**No children with asthma were harmed in the writing of this entry. I actually have asthma. Wilford Brimley has Diabetes.


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