Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Dodgeball, Sexually Assaulting Doc Rivers, and The Foul Ball Kid

So, after a long day, I finally have a free minute to discuss the new movie Dodgeball. Thanks to my roommate's cosmopolitan girlfriend, seven of us got to attend a sneak preview of this movie, which mere mortals can see in theaters starting Friday.

Overall, I give the movie a pretty high grade...I went in expecting to laugh a bit and be entertained, and guess what, that's exactly what happened. It's a good feeling not to be disappointed. You know, as I sit down to write this review, I realize that I don't even wanna do this. I have nothing funny to say, not a thing, and anything I do say may give away the best lines of the movie. So, go see it, I give you the George Foreman guarantee that you won't be disappointed. It's not quite Old School, but it's worlds better than Starsky and Hutch. So there you have it...I wasn't disappointed, you won't be either. Damn, that actually sounds like a terrible review.

Switching gears a bit, a hearty congrats to the Pistons, and also to their fans for not rioting in the streets. I mean, who would have ever thought that Detroit could outclass Boston? Well, I for one sure did, Boston's about as classless and second-rate as cities get -- it's like Toronto after the entire city's had a dozen Molsens (which reminds me, Boston, don't be wearing your Schilling jerseys and Sawx hats all over Manhattan, it makes me want to throw vicious haymakers and uppercuts at you. That shit is not cool. Wait, pull what out?).

Speaking of Boston, I love how new Celtic coach and current ABC announcer Doc Rivers last night kept saying, "Can we give the MVP trophy to the whole team instead of an individual?" Um, how can I put this without being crass? If you agreed with Doc, you need to be severely ass-raped by a huge rubber dildo, then the handler needs to break that dildo in half, and beat you mightily over the head with the non-ass remainder. The Pistons already won a team MVP trophy, and it's called the Fucking Championship. Yes, Doc, that's what that big fuckin' Larry O'Brien Trophy is, an award for your team being so valuable that it wins the championship games. And, seriously, what asswipe gave this motherfucker a doctorate anyway?

And don't play coy, Al Michaels...this guy's response the first time Doc made that assinine remark was, "They have to give the MVP to an individual player, according to the rules that I'm aware of." You fucking bastard, Michaels. What other rules could you possibly be made aware of that you didn't know existed? Do you think it's possible that the stat man would say in Al's earpiece, "Pssst, Al, there are rules you are not aware of, and in these rules, it says an MVP trophy can be awarded to the whole team"? I don't think that's happening, hence my harsh stance of assaulting Doc Rivers with a giant phallus about the head, neck, chest, breast and ass.

OK, one more note, a follow-up on the foul ball kid from Monday's post. The douchebag who dropkicked that four-year-old kid for the foul ball is a former YOUTH MINISTER! See for yourself...

"The man who took the foul ball has not responded publicly to the criticism, but The Dallas Morning News identified him as Matt Starr, a married, 28-year-old landscaper and former youth minister. Starr did not immediately return a telephone message left by The Associated Press on Wednesday.

Starr is 'not the bad guy he's been made out to be,' said Rick DuBose, senior pastor of the Sachse Assembly of God Church. 'He probably got a little aggressive and did something he regrets. But that's not Matt. He's a good kid, a good young man.'" --from

**And a late addition...New band name: Forgotten Walnuts. My main man Hoobs ordered some Chinese food this evening. The chef's specialty, Crispy Shrimp with Walnuts. The only guessed it, they forgot the walnuts. They forgot the walnuts in the Crispy Shrimp with Walnuts. The only thing worse would be if they forgot to crisp the shrimp.


At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love how u can speak about how classless a city is, then not 1 paragraph later describe in detail how someone should be ass raped by a huge dildo, black in color nonetheless, only in america

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That's a fair point...but Boston really does suck, I'm not just sayin' that.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

You know what? The shrimp wasn't even that crisp. It should have been called Partially-Crisp Shrimp Sans Walnuts or Any Other Nut.

At 3:27 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

Goddamn- Is everyone just as retarded as I am? It literally just took me 25 mins to figure out how to set up a username for this stupid thing... and its still not funny.

So I was thinking about it: there are some things that are just never NOT funny. The type of thing that whenever you hear it, no matter what, you start to giggle like a chick. Example: Substituting the word "yoke" for "joke." See- I just laughed again. Maybe I should have made my username "Yoke." Any others?


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