Monday, June 14, 2004

Four Random Tidbits

I thought of a great band name this weekend: Stabbing Monica Seles. I would pay a million pesos to see a band with that name perform, even if I don't care for its music one iota. Let this be a lesson: If your band's name is Stabbing Monica Seles, I'll see your show and pay top dollar for the evening. The same goes for Pontius Pilate and the Nail-Driving Five, a suggestion from our friends at Everything is Wrong with Me. That name's Classico.

Anyone catch the highlights of a St. Louis fan trying to catch a foul ball at all costs, knocking over a four-year-old boy with a crane kick to the back of the head? You may be outraged, but I say good for this guy, I'm tired of kids getting all the foul balls at the ballpark. He paid his $50 too, there's absolutely no reason he should let up on a foul ball just because some asshole toddler happens to be in the way. Crane kick? Kid's lucky it wasn't me, I'd have kicked him right in his virtually non-existent nuts. And maybe a punch or three delivered straight to his momma's breasts. I mean, look at the picture of this kid -- he got a game-used bat and the foul ball in question, all for a little Danny LaRusso action to the spine. Lucky shithead.

So I had my eyes checked this weekend, and it turns out I need a new eyeglass prescription. Whatever, that's not the story here. Without telling me I may need a driver, the good people there dilated my pupils, told me I'd react harshly to light, and then kicked me out of the office right after my appointment because they were closing. Well obviously it's the brightest day of the year and I ain't got no shades. So I pretty much drove home with one eye completely closed, one eye squinting in blinding pain, one hand on the wheel and the other doing a terrible job of shading my eyes. Picture fuckin' Corky driving his mother's automobile (and keep in mind this was my first time driving a car in well over a year). Needless to say, my driving was about as erratic as Ray Charles' would be, and I nearly ended up in the same place as him, wherever it is he may rest eternally. Too soon? Shut up, he was blind, and now he's dead, these are just facts, don't look at me like I'm the bad guy.

And finally...from the "Happy Birthday, here are some breasts and a pearl necklace" department: The number of 18-year-olds who underwent breast-implant surgery nearly tripled last year — from 3,872 in 2002 to 11,326 in 2003, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. Interestingly enough, the number of 18-year-olds being date raped also tripled last year -- from 3,872 in 2002 to 11,326 in 2003. And according to one of my esteemed colleagues here at work, "You can't beat good rape humor." Truer words ne'er been spoken, Chuck.

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