Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Information Time (What, We Have to be Funny Every Fuckin' Time?)

One of our generations greatest social commentators once said: "People can come up with statistics to prove anything. Fourteen percent of people know that."

You can tell me that with all the sluggers in the Yankee lineup, you'd like to face Derek Jeter because he's batting .233 on the season. I'd then shoot you in the face and respond with "Oh, you were finshed? Well, allow me to retort," then tell you that no one in beisbol has a hotter bat than Mr. Jeter of late. And here are the stats to prove it:

After last night's Jeterrific performance, Derek now has an RBI-base hit in each of his last eight games. During this eight-game streak, of which seven games were on the road, Jeter is batting .425 (17/40) with three homeruns, eight runs scored, 11 runs batted in and two stolen bases. Against Baltimore alone, in four games, Jeter is batting .550 (11/20) with two homeruns, six runs scored and seven runs batted in. Statistics aside, rumors of Derek's demise were greatly exaggerated. I guess all it took were some fuckin' crabcakes and a trip to Inner Harbor for Derek's bats to finally wake up. Hats for bats, keep bats warm.

But back to stastics...and I know most of you would rather be discussing boobies after yesterday's Titlickman post. But eat shit. It's Donnie's time up there. Down here, it's my time. It's my time down here. That's all over the moment we ride up in Fiedler's bucket o' boobies.

I'm a big stats guy, despite the fact that I routinely say, "Statistics never tell the whole story." I guess you can call ol' Ace Cowboy a walking contradiction. Either way, here are my favorite three major stastics of all time:

1. Wilt Chamberlain AVERAGED 50.4 points and 25.7 rebounds during the 1961-62 season. Now granted, the NBA was a much different league back then. I mean, there were games when Wilt was playing center against, like, Danny Devito and Billy Crystal. Nonetheless, Bill Russell didn't average no 50 points a game.

2. From 1981-82 through the 85-86 season, Wayne Gretzky AVERAGED 207 points per season. To put that in some perspective, no one else has ever tallied more than 200 in a season, and only Mario Lemieux has come close. In the first year of that streak, The Great One lit the lamp 92 times; and in the last year of that run, he (only!) scored 52 times but dished out 163 assists. To put all of this in perspective, here are the scoring leaders of the last three years: Martin St. Louis, 94 points; Peter Forsberg, 106 points; Jarome Iginla, 96 points. And Gretzky even bangs that chick from my favorite Police Academy, Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach.

3. For baseball, it's a tie between Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak and Nolan Ryan's 5,714 career strikeouts. First to the Ryan Express...we like to think that the Rocket is a dominating strikeout pitcher. And in 20 years, including two games of 20 strikeouts (something Nolan never did), Clemens finds himself only 1,600 strikeouts behind Ryan. For Roger, that's about a whole Al Leiter career behind Ryan.

But DiMaggio's streak was even more remarkable. For fifty-six straight games, from May 15th to July 17th of 1941, Joltin' Joe hit safely in every one of 'em. During the streak, Joe DiMaggio had 91 hits, 22 multi-hit games, 5 three hit games, four four-hit games, a .408 batting average, 15 home runs and 55 runs batted in. But the best part: Ken Keltner ended the streak with two fine defensive plays at the hot corner on July 17th. DiMaggio then went on to hit in 16 more consecutive games -- that's 72 of 73 straight games with a hit.

And this guy banged Marilyn Monroe. Damn, I love the Yankees.


At 12:27 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

So the moral is:

Get great stats and you can bang bad actresses.

Is that it?

At 12:49 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That's exactly it. Point taken.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger ethan said...

in the 61-62 season, oscar robertson averaged a triple-double. in fact, if you total his numbers from the 60-61 thru 64-65 campaigns, he also averaged a triple double over that 5 year span. amazing.


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