Wednesday, June 23, 2004


So I was riding the L-train this morning. In the mornings, this thing is like the MTA's subterranean gangbang, all contorted body parts fighting to get into the car. It's kind of like one of those old timey saloons where someone gets punched, flies out into the street, dusts himself off, mutters something about varmints, launches back into the saloon, and then gets thrown back out on the street again. It's like trying to jump through your mattress sometimes.

Anyway, this morning was particularly clutchy. Irene and I had traveled only one stop, to the little used, "why the hell does it stop there" 3rd Avenue stop. Almost no one gets on or off here, seeing how its roughly ten feet from both Union Square and 1st Avenue. But the staid old station was the scene of some fantastic fireworks.

Just as the doors are about to close, we hear screaming a few cars back. I poked my head out and saw this mid-20s, bespectacled girl barking at the conductor, "Call the fucking police!!! He grabbed my ass and pushed me out of the train." Oooo, it's on now! Cursing and calling for this guy's head. Nevermind the fact that I must have groped at least 15 men and women trying to get on the train. So the overreaction factor on the part of this girl was quite high. Unfortunately, the conductor bought this neo-fem bullshit and gives the dreaded police investigation announcement. Basically, this train ain't movin.

As news of this filters through the car, everyone starts grumbling together, strangers bitching and moaning about this girl. And this is why the subway should be used to alleviate racial tensions in this country. Everyone gets along in the subway, mostly cause everyone hates the subway more than they hate each other. Anyway, here's what I heard:

Williamsburg hipster girl: "Dude, what's her problem? People grab my ass on this thing all the time."
Middle aged black woman: "{gutteral click} This is some fuckin' BULLshit." (the "bull" in bullshit was dragged out for maximum effect)
Latino man: "Everyone gon' be late cause dees bitch!"
Polish guy: "TO BYL NAPRAWDE FASCYNUJACY WIECZOR, FUCKA'SHIT" (This was accompanied by his pantomime version of grabbing a girl's ass followed by a wave of the hand to indicate "get outta here")
Old black man who looked like John Lee Hooker: (Just shaking his head back and forth and clicking)

So just about everyone cursed this girl out, got off the train, and walked the 10 feet to Union Square. This broad cost me another $2 to get on the subway a block away...and she wasn't even hot. But all in all, to see New Yorkers doing together what they do best, bitching about someone who has cost them time and money, was well worth the 2 bucks. That and seeing the perp get shocked with 10,000 volts by the transit cops. Fuckin' yeah!


At 10:57 AM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

Have You Seen the Muffin Man?

Ok- i have discovered the best muffins in the history of muffins, and have no choice but to enjoy one each and every morning. The Berry Blast Yogurt Muffin from Cafe Angelique on Bleeker (shameless plug) is just a small piece of heaven. It couldnt be better. That said, see consumption instructions as listed below...

Proper technique for eating previously mentioned muffin is as follows:
1. Remove muffin from bag.
2. Remove paper from bottom of muffin.
3. Split muffin in half (top from bottom, not sideways).
4. Eat bottom of muffin first, utilizing a "pinch and squeeze" technique (pinch a section, squeeze together with 4 psi's (lbs per square inch) for a "no crumb loss" guarantee).
5. Eat top of muffin using standard "break off" technique- where you simply break off bite size pieces for consumption.
6. Upon completion of muffin, spend 30 mins weeping over how you finished your muffin so fast and how badly you want another one.
7. Breakdown, buy another muffin, repeat steps 1 through 6.

***Disclaimer: "No Crumb Loss" guarantee is a claim of the presenter, and does not represent the views of this channel or distribution company. Crumbs may actually be lost in the process of eating muffin.

There were no muffins hurt in the creation of this listing.

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

um...yeah. muffins was exactly what i had in mind when i made that subway post. thanks for bringing that out. top of the you.


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