Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Master of His Domain

Deadwood is the best show I've ever seen. There. I've gone and said it. Whereas Seinfeld used to be the ultimate television experience, it has now been eclipsed. In fact, I would love to see a "Very Special Deadwood" where the cast of Seinfeld comes to the mining camp and is eventually and unceremoniously fed to Mr. Woo's pigs. The pinacle of television characters used to begin and end with Costanza, everyone's favorite miserable, conniving loser. Let it now be said that Al Swearengen has so far surpassed Costanza as to render him to the level of Sister Kate or Wesley Owens from Mr. Belvidere or "Uncle" Joey Gladstone. Why? He's elevated the word "cocksucker" to a work of art. He's murdered a magistrate, a dope fiend, a New York dandy, and a reverend, a 19th Century Grand Slam. He told the story of his life while getting a BJ. And he plies his trade in whiskey, cards, and whores.

None of this is up for debate. Ace can have his 24 or West Wing or any reality drivel he wants. I'll take Al and Bullock and Sol and Charlie Utter. I'd like to take them all out for drinks in Yankton. I'd like to hang out with the "Tit-licker" and the newspaper guy, played by real-life kiddie-porn magnate, Jeffrey Jones. (You know him as Rooney from Ferris Beuler.) I want someone to tell me to go fuck myself, but in a genteel 19th Century way:

"I reckon that by running your lip like that, you're liable to be told to go fuck yourself"

If you say it that way, then you're not telling someone to go fuck himself, you're just alerting him to the possibility that if he keeps acting in a certain way, you WILL tell him to go fuck himself. I love roundabout insult profanity.

By the middle of the past season, I was just waiting for the Sopranos to end so that I could watch Deadwood. When Tony's dad's gumar was blathering on about sleeping with JFK (and, in the process, boring me to tears), all I could think about was Al telling Dan to stab this whiny old bag in the throat with his trusty awl and Calamity Jane shouting, "Fucka youknow bout relations wit fuckin'presidens y'old slutbag whor....{unintelligible as Jane is still talking while face down in a pile of horse shit). Now that's compelling TV!


At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

According to John Ashcroft: if the pain inflicted on a prisoner is less than the pain that accompanies "serious physical injury, such as organ failure," it's not torture.

At 10:12 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Ashcroft once told me, "If torturing someone is wrong, then I don't want to be right." I'm not sure how organ failure plays into that.

Moreover, I'd like to see Keith Emerson of ELP brought in for questioning:

Ashcroft: "What do you know about Al-Qaida?"
Emerson: "I'll tell you nothing, slime."
Ashcroft: "I'm going to break your Hammond B3 then...your Moog synthesizer, too."
Emerson: "Have you no respect for the Geneva convension? That will cause organ failure...That's TORTURE!"
Ashcroft: "I don't want to be right."
Emerson: "Huh?"

(What this has to do with Deadwood I have no idea)

At 11:12 AM, Blogger abby said...

Fuckin' Deadwood? You've lost me, Donald. All they do on that show is cuss and kick up dirt. Granted, I've watched ten minutes of two episodes, but the language they use is so profane it's laughable. How can you take those potty-mouthed old foggies seriously? I am shocked.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

deadwood is to television what don fiedler is to blogging, bravo donnie boy bravo

ace, suck my balls, screw u guys, home

At 11:19 PM, Blogger Wooglin said...

Now look here. I've been to Yankton and I can tell you one thing: It's no fuckin Deadwood, that's for damn sure. You find me one town out there where where dope abounds, Rick Danko runs a hardwear store, a whore can make a new life for herself by starting a whorehouse, and every deal is sealed by hocking a loogey on your hand and shakin. I've never seen a camp look so good. Let's just pray those cocksuckers in Washington don't decide to annex our shit.


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