Monday, June 07, 2004

Ms. Yothers, Tear Down This Wall!

Ronald Reagan was the President who cried wolf. How many times over the last decade was it all but confirmed that he had died? 7? 8? When Nancy released word of his passing to the authorities they probably responded with a, "Sure, lady. Right. Ron's dead...again. You must think we're pretty dumb to expect us to come up there. Save it, Nancy. Smarty Jones is about to race."

And how pissed off must the thousands of D-Day survivors have been? They drag their old asses halfway around the world to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the defining moment of their lives and Reagan, who was probably smoking dope poolside with Hollywood dames in too-tight sweaters during the war, has to go and die on them. All media coverage of the ceremonies were eclipsed. They must have felt like Jesus when Billy Martin got liquored up and drove over a cliff on Christmas and ruined his birthday.

Saturday was also a bad day for Alex P. Keaton, perhaps Reagan's staunchest supporter. I wonder what that must have been like for the now nearly 40 year old wiseacre, who, I'm sure, still lives upstairs? There's Baxter Berney and Big Mike Gross, those dirty fuckin hippies, dancing around Alex, taunting him that his savior is dead. "Who's gonna cut federal spending to alleviate homelessness, refuse to fund AIDS research, and allow crack to spread unfettered on our streets? Tom deFuckinLay?" Alex, feeling cornered, flees out the front door of the Keaton's suburban Ohio home. Skippy, who was leaning out his window in yet another vain effort to see one of Mallory's boobs, falls during the commotion and cracks his head on his driveway. Brains scattered everywhere, Mr. and Mrs. Keaton look to each other, spread their arms wide, and say, "Oh, Skippy." Alex runs over to Skippy's driveway to help but is killed when unnecessary little brother Andy, a serial drunk driver, runs him over in Elyse's Prius.

Dead: Alex, Skippy, Reagan
Stoned: The Keatons
Incarcerated: Andy
Yo: Nick


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