Wednesday, June 09, 2004

No Dutch Money

Just because you're dead and just because you happened to be President and a whole bunch of people liked you and worshipped you and just because your wife scared Arnold shitless on Diff'rent Strokes and beat up the Gooch for selling H and had a romantic dalliance with Mr. Drummond, doesn't give you the right to appear on the $10 bill, or the $20, or on the front of a dime, Reagan. Stay off my 10-spot.

You know, we send people to Congress to represent us and, in turn, they get the chance to fatten their wallets living off of kickbacks and lobbyist freebees. And you know what? That's fine. But couldn't these bastards have a little perspective? No. Any yahoo with a -(R) after their name is vomitting forth legislation to annoint Reagan a money-worthy president.

I mean, everyone loves the recently deceased, well, except for dead people like Hitler and Stalin and Jeff Dahmer and Maurice Gibb. That's why we have funerals: to remember the good times. Unfortunately, in the short term, this obscures our perception of the dead guy. We can't decide their place in history because the deceased is forefront in our minds as a current thing. You have to wait for someone to die, and then wait for the grieving about that person to die, before you can assess their legacy. Sure, Reagan did a lot for this country. But are we really in the right mindset right now to decide whether he should reside in our wallets...forever...or at least until someone else dies? (Easy on the gas pedal, Janklow, or you're next.) Ronald had really big flaws and we need some perspective to analyze these flaws, and his place in history, before we go around minting his adorable, craggy mug on our greenbacks.

Once upon a time, the great catcher Thurmon Munson, former MVP and captain of the Yankees and sporter of a truly fantastic pushbroom moustache, died in a plane crash, cutting short his career. I'm sure there was a tremendous push to put him in the Hall of Fame, to immortalize the fallen great, taken in the prime of his life. I'm sure if they passed around ballots at his funeral, they'd put him in the hall. But the Hall of Fame was wise on this...prescient if you will. There has always been a 5-year waiting period before a player can be considered. This allows the necessary time to get perspective. Sure it's sad that a ballplayer is turned into a steaming pile of entrails. But that doesn't make him a Hall of Famer. And Thurman just hadn't accumulated the stats to go in the Hall.

Now maybe Reagan does have the stats. But come on. He's been dead for like 2 days. You need time, especially if you are considering putting Reagan on printed money. We haven't changed the ragtag bunch of dead white men on our paper money since 1929. Is Reagan really the guy to buck the trend over? They've got a name for countries that change their currency every 3 years: Europe. And I don't want to be no pussy European.

So here goes: 50 year minimum waiting period after death before you're eligible to be depicted on U.S. money. This would preclude Reagan, Nixon, LBJ, JFK (who's on some bunk coin you get from NJ Transit when you pay with a $20, along with that miserable assbag, Susan B. Anthony), Ike and Harry Fuckin' Truman. Get in line, Jelly Bean. See you in 2054. Maybe then, we'll have the proper perspective to call you dollar-worthy.


At 2:51 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Well said, D-bag, you don't see me clamoring to put Chester A. Arthur on the half-penny. But I would like to put Bea Arthur over my knee and spank her man-ass silly, send her over to my place for a rockin' good time. I'll show her my Zbornak like she's never seen.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

-Ex-President Bush plans birthday skydive

backup chute fails so i get another day off says what

At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

from ZombieFodder

I believe that they have a waiting period for getting your face on a stamp, so I don't see why they can't do the same for money. Anyway, if they put Reagan's face on cash, I think that is a really good reason to go w/ just credit and debit cards.

At 8:38 AM, Blogger Wooglin said...

i think we should honor the internet on our currency...god knows its done more for everyone than any president in the last fifty years and if it dies we can put it on display in the rotunda...


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