Monday, June 21, 2004

Osama bin Robespierre

Another hostage was beheaded this past weekend in the Middle East. It begs the question: Why the fuck can't we do a better job over there? I mean, we have billions and billions of dollars from our national defense budget earmarked for some pretty serious R&D. We've got some of the brightest technical minds in our country working on ways to ensure our safety and to conduct wars. We've got hi-tech gadgets that can shoot bullets around corners. We've got body gear disguised as a Jersey-Shore-style Hugo Boss t-shirt. We've got planes that land like helicopters and helicopters that use their propellers to dig under the ground and plant poison rose bulbs. It's amazing. We can kill the enemy in a zillion different ways.

Yet, we are losing this whole thing to people who are fond of a blunt, medieval technique: the beheading. You know who else liked beheading people? The frenzied French of La Revolution. I'm talking Reign of Terror, La Marseillaise. The guillotine was the instrument of death du rigeur, silencing the gout-ridden, money-saddled upper-strata of the French population one head at a time. So if the Directory were to be magically transported two hundred years forward, to 2004, would the French revolutionaries succeed in taking down an American war machine that relies on 21st century killing techniques? You have to figure they'd have a great shot. We can't seem to fight off a small band of terrorists armed with sporks and safety scissors from 3rd grade art class. How could the U.S. measure up against the well-oiled guillotinists? Lock up your Haliburton truckers and your radio technicians cause heads are gonna be a'rollin tonight!

So I want to see this: Bush vs. Robespierre, Cheney vs. Danton, Powell vs. Napoleon, Condi Rice vs. Whichever Black Republican Woman sold her soul to be in the French Revolutionary ruling strata, Republican vs. Jacobin, Rent vs. Les Mis. Who comes out on top? With their headchopping hijinks in full effect, I say the Frenchies have found one war that even they can't lose.

Note: Sorry for the extreme lack of posts from ol'Don over here. Things got pretty hectic at work over the last week or so. The shit/fan combination was in full effect. Poop is everywhere. But, I'm back. Say hello if you have the chance.


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