Thumbs Up for Balloons
Mikey da Roommate had the excellent foreskin, er, um, foresight to TiVo the Kerry acceptance speech, so that when I got home after it was over I could catch up with Sweaty Lurch and company...
First of all, I only watched the second half of Kerry's speech, but I was fairly impressed. He seemed energetic and lively, so much so that his face was glistening with sweat, his chin covered in drool. He gave a pretty rousing speech, much more so than any other speech he's given on the stump so far this year. It's like Nigel Tufnel turned him up to 11 for this occasion only. Look, this guy might not be the best candidate out there, and he might be a career politician who has taken both sides of every issue (the only truth Bush hath ever told whilst in office), but just stand him next to our current president and tell me you're going to re-elect this fucker. Just listen to them speak, listen to them articulate their ideas...tell me that you want to pull that trigger on sending this guy back to Washington for four more years. OK, I'm preaching to the choir I'm sure. Onto the balloons mishap...
So Kerry finishes the speech of his life, right, and instead of instant political analysis from the supposed "Most Trusted Name in News," CNN decides to patch the convention's director into an open microphone for a check on the fucking balloons -- the next five minutes can only be described as surreal. Directorman wanted the thousands of balloons to drop from the ceiling, but nothing was happening. "Go balloons, go balloons!" was repeatedly heard. Yet only a handful were falling, and the director began to lose his temper. I cannot do what followed justice, so just click on this link and read the text, or play the mp3 audio. Actually, yes, play the mp3 audio. Then Wolf Blitzer and company half-heartedly apologized and continued to discuss the balloon situation. CNN, C-N-fuckin'-N, decided not to comment on the biggest speech of the last four years, and all they're talking about is balloons. Unless those puppers are filled with nitrous oxide, do yourself a favor and go Cheney yourself, Wolf.
But the highlight of the convention for me was finding out that John Edwards was all about the thumbs up. I love the thumbs up, I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it I love it I love it (Blueberry Johnson, 1996). I'm a thumbs up guy, if I see ya and I'm feelin' it, I'll fuckin' throw you the thumbs up like you wouldn't believe. But I'm more of a last note of A Day in the Life thumbs up guy, I'll throw it out there and leave it up like a good three-point shooter. Edwards, on the other hand, is a rapid fire guy, and usually he's a double-fisted, long wingspan kind of thumbs up guy. I watched him last night give five straight rapid fire thumbs ups, one right after the next, with force and vitality, five straight cocked fists with the thumb pointed straight up like Bob Dole on Viagra. Wait, what?
Anyway, I must caution everyone's favorite boytoy VP candidate -- I've seen this happen before. If this guy throws too many thumbs up out in too short a window, he could land himself straight on the 60-day disabled list. And with less than 100 days until the November election, the Democratic ticket can't afford that at this time. Gotta conserve some of those puppers until October when it counts. Otherwise, a trip to Dr. James Andrews and rotator cuff surgery is just a heartbeat away, John.