Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Clemens, McCarver and Blimps: Lots of Hot Air

So I wrote a whole long post at 11 PM last night, only to hit publish and find out that Blogger was doing "routine maintenance" to its site. What does that mean for me? Lost post. Yes, at least 2,000 words down the drain. Gone forever. I blasted Tim McCarver in that post, and I want it back. You just can't poke fun at McCarver often enough.

Not the most exciting All-Star Game in the world last night, as Clemens looked shakier than Muhammad Ali operating a jackhammer. What? Too soon? Hey, at least I didn't call him lamer than FDR's legs. So after a six-run first inning off the Rocket, the game never really materialized into the Midsummer Classic it could have been. Part of me was rooting for another tie this year. By the very end I was just rooting for a foul ball to fly into the press box and nail McCarver in the beanbag.

But my real beef with the game this year was last night's aerial coverage, provided by the Ameriquest blimp. I mean, are they just fuckin' giving these things away? How many blimps are there these days? I feel like it was just five years ago when spotting a blimp over a sporting event meant seeing "Goodyear" plastered along its sides. Didn't everyone tease the fat girl in elementary school by calling her the Goodyear blimp? Do kids these days mix it up and say, "Don't pick her for kickball, that chick is fatter than the Saturn Lightship"?

I remember when MetLife broke into the market and that was acceptable to me. The Snoopy I and Snoopy II blimps were fine for a little competition. Hey, I'm no Communist, I'll welcome a challenge to the Goodyear monopoly. But when the fuck did Outback decide it was a good idea to send the Bloomin' Onion I up to the skies?

At this point, I'm flat out praying for a major blimp catastrophe, something along the lines of an "Oh, the Humanity" Hindenburg-esque disaster. I'll even take something resembling a horrifying mid-air collision between two of these oversized douchebags. And if Tim McCarver should be the captain of such a vehicle at the time, well, that'll just be gravy.

Actually, McCarver is the subject of the misspeak of the week, courtesy of Roger Clemens' "Sunday Night Conversation" on ESPN. Clemens was saying how he's tired of all the talk about the whole Piazza/bat-throwing incident when he said something like, "McCarver and the guys at FOX, they just beat this thing WITH a dead horse." That's just a hilarious image, ain't it?

(And yes, it's 6:30 AM and I'm up for the day. That can only mean one thing...it's gonna be a loooong one.)

12 Comments:

At 8:46 AM, Blogger TJ said...

"Where McCarver at?"

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

TJ, I had a whole Deion routine in that post that got lost (damn you Blogger!)...one of the greatest moments of my life, Neon Deion dumping two buckets of freezing cold water on McCarver's big dumb stupid poopoo head. "Where McCarver at?"

I also had a whole pitch-by-pitch sequence re-enactment chock full of "sliiiider" and "awaaaay" and "innn the dirrrt," but that got erase too. I can't describe how upset I am over that development...

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Hey McCarver, Go Awaaaaay, Awaaaaaayyyyy!

Tom Glavine, on Sportscenter, just said of Clemens' meltdown yesterday: It probably won't define his career. Gee, Tom. You sure. Are you positive this meaningless exhibition isn't going to overshadow the 6 Cy Youngs and 2 World Series rings, the 300 wins and the second most K's of all time, the two 20K games and firing the sawed off end of a broken bat at my favorite gay Italian? Cause this All Star performance just RUINED Clemens' career for me. Hall of Fame? Not likely.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Oh yeah, re: Ali. Starbucks told me a great way to get off the phone:

"I'm out like Ali at Jenga"

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That's hilaaaarious.

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

i love you guys.

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Seyeko said...

I'm *at* work everyday at 6:30 dude. Quit yer complainin!!!

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

BRAVO, BRAVO i say, not much the heckler can heck about when the subject is tim f'ing mccarver.

could ali still take u in a boxing fight, was the question posed last night???

i like the go get um attitude being displayed by all the slackers out there today, 6:30, thats dedication, its things like that which will have me in the blogger store buying silly overpriced blogger merchandise. lets keep on truckin, seems all slackers, including myself, go pedro on that ass by like 3pm and post no more

--the house of sand and blog

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

It's a lovefest here at Slack...it's official. That, is an official, fully.

I'm still in complete shock that Blogger erased my post from last night -- for all my anti-McCarver fans, it was my finest hour, I swear to God and I do mean Allah (just kidding federal government, don't PATRIOT Act me just for saying that name).

Sliiiider awaaaay, fastballl innn, awaaaay, innn the dirrrt, sliiiiider awaaay, wiiiiider sliiiiider, even wiiiider sliiiider. That man is the only person in history for whom a Southern accent DOESN'T work to his advantage...

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

I'd like to request an all-Keith Jackson blog posting from Ace or Donnie.

This is for you, Ace: www.chfestival.org.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Starbux, how bout Fiedler and I "face off" about something, Jackson vs. McCarver? Ooooh, that could be good.

Oh, the Chicago Humanities Festival.

 
At 2:43 AM, Blogger dghnfgj said...

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