Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Convention Busing

I know I just referenced the Fung Wah in my last post, but I really must comment on my experience on this bus on the way back from Boston. 

I was talking to former President Bill Clinton on Saturday morning and said he needed someone to trudge down to the Fung Wah bus depot on Beech St. in Boston on the rainiest morning Boston has ever seen.  Rain coming down in sheets so that, even if you have an umbrella, every once in a while the rain comes in twice as hard and sideways as if to say, "Nice try, prick.  That'll teach you for wearing Yankees gear at Fenway."  Bill also said that this someone couldn't have an umbrella for this maelstrom so that he would have to be soaked from head to toe for the whole ride.

I said, "Send me."

Clinton then said he needed someone to sit wedged into a window seat next to a 250-lb woman from Haiti talking (nay, clicking) to her family across the aisle the entire time while eating a food that looked like a cross between banana and corn during the duration of the trip.

I said, "Send me."

Clinton then said he needed someone to sit near the bathroom so that everytime someone used the facilities, a pungent shit-smell would emanate from the back of the bus.  Seriously, it's gonna feel like there's more poop than oxygen in the air.  At least, 50/50. 

I said, "Send me."

Clinton then said, that just when the bus reached city limits and the Manhattan skyline was well within view, that the bus would be stuck in the most horrific traffic jam in NYC history: the closure of the Grand Central Parkway forcing a 2.5 hour backup on the Triborough.  With people in need of relief, the bathroom would be in constant use and the Haitian woman would fall asleep snoring with her head on your shoulder and corn/banana crums would fall onto your still wet shirt.

I said, "Send me."

So if you want to continue with the way things are going in America and the world right now, go ahead and cast your vote for the Republicans.  But if you're tired of the way things are now, if you want to support someone who can ride a Chinese mafia bus from Boston to New York on minimal sleep, soaking wet, covered in cornana crumbs from a Haitian whalewoman, in a Bombay-style, shit-stinking haze then you have another choice:



At 2:30 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I did not have sexual relations with that Fiedler...

At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy jeez, this is the funniest thing I have ever read...


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