Friday, July 16, 2004

Keith LIVE at the Emmys

...and thanks, Gene, for that wonderful report .  Ok, let's see if the audio problems have been cleared up.  Keith Jackson, can you hear me now?
---Oh, indeed I can Don.  The guys in the truck have done a marvellous job rectifying our audio and I'm ready to give my presentation on the Emmy Nominations here in the Big Apple. 
Great, Keith Jackson at the Emmy Nominations in New York everyone.  Keith, what are some of the major surprises so far this year?
---Well, Don, it has really been a shocking year as we get ready for television's biggest night.  First off, the most comical dead man alive, John Ritter, has been postumously tabbed for a Best Actor in a Comedy Series.  It was a full-blown shocker here and there wasn't a dry eye in the room as Mrs. Jean Carnahan came forward to accept the nomination.  I'm telling you, it was sadder than a beat up whore in a Florida drainage ditch.

Fascinating Keith, what else have you got?

---I'm singularly pleased to announce that my esteemed colleague Dick Enberg has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series.  I'm sure I'm not alone when I say it's been a pleasure watching Dick these past few years on Steven Bochco's NYPD Blue.  Throwing out tough guy lines like a young Woody Hayes, Dick has thrilled audiences with his short shirt sleeves and deft dialogue delivery.  
Keith, Enberg isn't in NYPD Blue.  

---Oh, well it seems you've been out of touch with reality for some time Don.  Dick has been nothing short of incredible since being paired with that lovable young reprobate, Zack Morris.  Oh, how I've admired watching his rascally schemes at the Max with 4-time All-Stater AC Slater.  It speaks to the indescribable talent of Dick Enberg that he can overshadow two acting giants and steal away a nomination.  I say tonight: Here's to you Dick Enberg.  No more licking boots for you down in the trenches.  A job very well-done. 
Keith, seriously, Dick Enberg isn't an-
---Oh, it's pandemonium here at the Emmy Nominations as Ian MacShane, star of HBO's acclaimed Deadwood has rushed the podium shouting, "Cocksuckers, all of you."  Ha, I must chuckle as his blue language brings to the mind former Orioles manager Earl Weaver.  If anyone was deserving of an Emmy nod, it's got to be the man who has turned Al Swearengen into the best character ever to appear on television outside of Housekeeper Pearl from Diff'rent Strokes.  Oh, and here comes the security.  Looks like Ian just got too hot under the collar and they're taking him down with blackjacks and a taser.  Oh my, just a horrible scene.

Amazing Keith, now how about-

---Sorry again Don, gotta step in here to say I just saw that girl from Joan of Arcadia.  She may have the hips of a young Gale Sayers but I would love to peak into those jeans.

---Don, it's the truth.  Just like my Aunt Sally's apple cobbler, I can't get enough of that leggy broad.  Mo' is wearing a booming hard-on!  And you can call me Mo'!

I'm sorry everyone.  I don't know where that came from.  Keith Jackson is not a pedant, at least not that I know of.  But it is a crying shame that MacShane wasn't nominated for his portrayal of Swearengen.  First it was Santa Claus, then the Easter Bunny, then logical reasons for pre-emptive wars.  And now I can't even believe in the credibility of Emmy Nominations.  I'm pretty sure that no one was blogging things like, "Oh my, James Spader has turned television on its head with his fantastic reading of the attorney from the Practice."  Seriously, Spader?  And does anyone under the age of 55 watch Without a Trace with Anthony "Guinea from Down Under" LaPalglia?  This is a crying shame.  Deadwood got the diss, with only Calamity Jane and Doc getting nominated.  I'm liable to call this a cocksuckin' sham (which means I'm actually calling it a cocksuckin' sham).


At 4:03 PM, Blogger Mitchell VergerDartz III said...

"Oh, down goes McGahee ... and his knee ... is ... gone."

That's worthy of an Emmy nomination right there. Actually, I hate the Emmys since they added all those new categories. Same with the Oscars. Best Actor in a Columbus movie? But I know we're all rooting for "Sawdust and Mildew" (a.k.a. "The Bomb") -- one woman's triumph over a yeast infection, set against the backdrop of the tragic Bufallo Bills season of 1990. Boy, that Phil Donahue really can host an awards show.

Seriously, who watches the Emmys? Moreover, who monitors the Emmy nominations? Just like O.J. Chamberlain, that is wrong and ridiculous.

At 4:03 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

"I'm telling you, it was sadder than a beat up whore in a Florida drainage ditch."

praise be to alla (see when u leave the h off the end the feds/spooks cant tap your phones, learned that one back in nam) i only have 2 more days here at work otherwise i surely as Al B would have gotten fired for that 5 minute outburst of laughter.

i'm afraid there is no chance in hell that all of the slackers out there can repeat such a special day we had today, good night, THANK U CLEEEEEVELAND!!!

At 4:20 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

An entire post as Keith Jackson is exactly where my bread is buttered. Man, we musta pissed off the other people in that bar last night, just Jacksoning it up for a solid hour. Fingertips, fingertips, fingertips.

I especially liked the Dreyfuss Sipowitz post, very Naked Gun/Saved By the Bell laden, and that's gouda.

And Heckler, great stuff today, thanks for the effort...good work from everyone today. Let's get some good weekend rest and meet back here, say 9 am on Monday.

At 4:52 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

Beauty. Now to get Handstand to post as the "Phalen is down there" guy...


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