Thursday, July 01, 2004

Not Only Papi Was Sloppy

Isn't it great when you show up to the big ballgame and on your way in realize that it's some sort of crappy souvenier give-away day? Like Johnsonville Bratwurst Oven Mitt Day or something like that? Maybe you'll get a Purina Dog-Chow Steve Bedrosian Nesting Egg or a Brewers Meat Thermometer courtesy of the Salerno/Duane Douch-o-rama.

Anyway, yesterday was apparently Miller Light Incredibly Wasted Trailer-Trash Girls Day at the Yanks/Sox game at Yankee Stadium. Ace and Don, plus Don's father Rex, had pretty good seats in the 3rd row of the upper deck on the right field line. Except, well, when these two unspeakably plastered floosies insisted on standing up for nearly every pitch. One girl looked like Kathy Sanders from Jerry Maguire, only with a "woops, I fell asleep in my backyard in Secaucus while drinking Smirnoff Ice" sunburn. The other looked like that fat girl from college who decided to give up, be a hippy, and take lots of drugs and was always hanging out on Simpson with that Indian girl whose name I never knew. They were accompanied by a couple of foul-mouthed knuckleheads, obvious Apex Tech dropouts, one of whom was a dead-ringer for fellow obnoxious drunk, David "Boomer" Wells.

Why was this so annoying, you ask? They were in the front fucking row! No one could possibly be blocking their view of the entire field. Yet, stand they did. And I'm glad they did it. Of course, this caused our section of baseball geeks to really tear into them. They were instructed to jump to their deaths, and I thought they really might a couple of times as the wobbled dangerously over the railing. Boomer was instructed repeatedly to "Control those bitches" but he kinda just told people to shut the fuck up and stand up and be fans. Needless to say, Rex shook his head in disgust.

Their crafty response to these attacks? Flipping the bird, but in a loosey-goosey, Milwaukee's Beast kind of way. Once in a while, Kathy Sanders just put up two fingers and hoped one was the middle and in doing so, resembled a little league coach telling Rodney Retard in the outfield that there were two outs. But uh oh! Her pants continually fell down, exposing a pasty white ass cheek and a thong. Our section recoiled in disgust, having seen Kathy's hams, and began a chorus of "Pull up your pants" and "Buy a belt" and, well, "Die!" Oh, what fun. And the finger kept popping back up.

Unfortunately, a security guard came over to break up the show and warned them to stop. Boomer was embarrassed and shut up for the rest of the game. And they were all gone by the end of the 7th.

At that point, the Bombers were down 2-0. But then, someone spotted a wonderous thing: The Rally Tit. This girl, about 10 rows up, was wearing a skin tight Jeter jersey and, unbelievably, unmistakably, no bra. Well, when she leaned over or moved even slightly, out came: The Rally Tit! I'm not sure the nipple ever made an appearance. But no matter. The Yanks rallied for 2 in the 7th and 2 in the 8th to win.

Game balls to Angry Gary, Felix "The Clap" Chlamydia, and Cookie Monster Ortiz, whose faulty glove turned an the left half of a set of your standard fullies into: The Rally Tit!

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