Monday, July 19, 2004

Sliced Bread, By Width

Quick post time:
So Saturday I went down to Iggy's Keltic Lounge for Internet quasi-celebrity Jason Mulgrew's 25th birthday Celeganza, or whatever the devil it may have been called. Good times had by all, although it was so hot in there that by the end of the night the front of my knees were sweating. Seriously, has anyone ever had sweating kneecaps? The backs of the knees, sure. But the patellas? I think I made history, and I'm not even a sweater. It's a sweater! That bar was so hot, in fact, it completely warrants the obligatory Southern-accented adage: "That bar was hotter than a half-fucked fox in a forest fire." Well, nothing too fun and exciting happened on my end, just a solid night for me, but I'm sure Mr. Mulgrew will recap the event in fine form. Stay tuned for that...
I'm still pretty pissed off about this Apple debacle. Who upgrades their products less than a month after I buy a new (old) one? To quote Mr. Belding, "That's wrong and ridiculous." I always seem to get hurt by these corporate decisions; they just leave me here shaking my head like Michael J. Fox crossing the street. Too soon? Yeah, even I think so, but my delete button happens to be broken. But back to the topic at hand, Apple needs to make good by me, and of course they won't. So I'm stuck with my overpriced, under-batteried iPod, which is still one of the coolest inventions known to man, much better than sliced bread.
The "sliced bread invention" cliche happened to lead to one of the greatest e-mail conversations I've had over the past few years. I just dug through my Yahoo archives and found this from December of 2002. Shortly after hooking up TiVo, I sent this e-mail to Slack Loyalists PB and TJ:
"Seriously, is there a better invention than TiVo?  I think in historical significance, it goes:
1. Sliced bread
2. TiVo
3. Electricity
PB responded first:
"Honestly - in terms of technology I've experienced, here's my ranking:
1. (3 way tie) High speed internet, Tivo, recordable CDs.
Technology I'd like to experience: XM Radio.
Technology that is unnecessary: color cell phones thatinclude games and cameras. Give me a break.
Were people just FREAKING OUT when sliced bread came out? How did that go. Was there a big press release? Was it in the papers. Was it available just in timefor Christmas?"
And the always hilarious and insightful TJ retorted:
"Sliced bread as we know it took some time to develop. Early models featured the bread sliced lengthwise, which was impractical for its most popular application: the sandwich. Even though it was sliced, the bread-consuming public just didn't give a damn. So when people say 'the greatest thing since sliced bread,' they should really say 'the greatest thing since bread sliced by width.' It's simply more accurate." 

Now, that's what I call a hilarious rebuttal to the sliced bread argument.
Three quick band names for ya: Programs for the Survivors of Torture, Punching Judy, and Burning Earnhardt. Will Sweating Kneecaps make the cut? Not likely.


At 1:39 PM, Blogger Seyeko said...

How did porn not make any of your lists?

I'm sure that's its one of most frequently used, err accessed forms of technology in this day and age.

And of course, after the porn, then you're in the mood for some sliced bread, preferablely with ham and Salt N Vinegar chips.


Edited to Add (ETA):

Q. What do you call a person with no arms and no legs that fell off a ship into the ocean?

A. DEAD !!

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

See my 1:42 comment from today's earlier post.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

i think the sewerage system beats everything, except for maybe internet porn i suppose, just think if every time u had to drop some wookie stinks u had to walk to an outhouse, not cool

At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

poophop u so crazy.

At 2:42 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

i'd like to add toilet paper to one of the greatest inventions, going along with the sewage system. what did people do before that? use leaves? dip their sticky buns into a puddle? however, there have been no innovations in toilet paper in the past 100 years. (of course there have been toilet paper innovations: bigger rolls, more plies, they come in a multitude of colors...)

At 3:07 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

way off topic... how do u get to be interviewed for those i love the ___'s shows? seriously, what do the producers think about when filling those spots, hey, we need a real superstar, someone who captured the entire world with their brilliance on a sitcom in the 90's, someone like six from blossom, she's the one! was blossom too busy?


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