Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Hard Zell

Man, I hate it when Republicans make robots and run them successfully as Democratic senators from Georgia, allow them to go so far as to give the keynote speech at the Democratic Convention and then finally flip the "fuck you" switch and the robot switches allegiances to the Republican side. Not since Darth Vader's abrupt about face in which he spiked the Emperor down that impossibly long hole in Death Star 2 has such a shocking switch of allegiances taken place. Georgia Democrat Zell Miller has actually agreed to give the keynote speech introducing President Bush at the RNC. It's like that Who's the Boss where Mona spoke at the Abstinance Club of Greater Norwalk...utterly unfathomable. Anybody who takes a dicking like Mona or claims, "I'll be a Democrat 'til the day I die," like Zell, should not be allowed to make speeches for the other team like that...especially in politics and sit-coms. Who else is going to make a speech at the convention? Reggie "Must Kill the Queen" Jackson? Did Ludwig get to Zell?

So how do we stop Zell before he starts introducing Bush and, in doing so, dropping a huge crap on the Kerry campaign? I suggest Short Round, you know, the "You call him Docta Jones"-kid from Temple of Doom. Remember when Indy was brainwashed by Molaram the evil priest and he was going to rip out Kate Capshaw's heart (notice they didn't take off her top like they did for the O Mumshibai-guy)? Well it was Short Round that stepped in with the glowing hot iron and burned Indy's abdomen, an action that instantly removed the spell. Then Indy started kicking ass, until that little bastard prince got the voodoo doll and......well, nevermind. You get the point. Heat up some iron and let Shorty stab Zell in the gut. Then Zell can start kickin' ass: Cheney, those good for nothin' Swift Boat Vets, Jenna. Hit 'em all, Zell.

OK, I should really start studying now. So make comments and such and try to come up with other instances when someone has turned so dastardly to the other side. Something at which Jim Ross would say, "Oh no. (Blank) just turned on (blank). What a turn of events!"


At 2:21 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I was gonna say when the Hulkster joined the nWo with Scott Hall and Kevin Nash...but that seems too easy.

Zell Miller = Anne Heche? Maybe not, because then Zell would have to be the keynote speaker at the DNC in 2008.

Why don't the Democrats just repeatedly call Zell a flip-flopper? That seemed to work well against Kerry.

At 2:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Flip-flopping is only bad if you're a democrat, otherwise its flexibility, diversity of opinions, and an open mind.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

wow, my brain is actually spinning in place right now thinking about all the instances in the world of wrestling this applies to....heres the one i am going with.

when doink, the fun loving squirt some water in your face clown turned heel and switched his entrance music from circus music to the first 2 notes of circus music and then it switched into like death i wanna kill u right now music. he crossed the line when he gave his midget partner dink the whoopi cushion. very tough time in my life, so not cool doink

At 3:32 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

Maybe Ludwig did brainwash Zell. Or perhaps the Governator used a trick that he learned from Total Recall (arguably his best movie), and had the Martian Federation erase his memory to get him to switch sides. In fact the Republican party sort of resembles the cast of Total Recall characters. There's Ahnold, of course, and Bush sort of resembles Cohagen. Rumsfeld sort of has a Michael Ironsides thing going. I would like to see Rumsfeld's arms get ripped off during the convention, and then have Ahnold yell "See you at da pahty, Rumsfeld!" That would be a classic convention moment.

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Classic Hoobs right there. Just classic Hoobs.

As for Doink the Clown, you could go all night with the wrestling analogies...Shawn Michaels kicking former Marty Jannety through the plate glass window, Macho Man breaking up the MegaPowers over the late Miss Elizabeth's love, Ric Flair reuniting the Four Horsemen at the expense of NFLer Kevin Greene. All night.

I'm racking my brain for non-wrestling ones. How 'bout football coach and restauranteur Gary Barnett professing his love for Northwestern and saying he'd stay there forever, only to take the Colorado job mere hours later? Yup, that's Karma, Gary. Not sure if this qualifies, but it did run through my head...

At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

With the Shawn Michaels reference from Ace, I saw this dissapointing tidbit:

The Students for Bush contingent was considerably less diverse. The most unusual people in the room were the two professional wrestlers, The Big Show and Shawn Michaels, who addressed the group.
"I know the kind of flak you guys get from your friends," Michaels said. "[I] didn't have the integrity and courage you do when I was your age -- not against the kind of peer pressure you face."

Very surprising, I could have sworn I saw Big Show and Michaels out on a double date with Vanessa and Alex Kerry.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...



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