Thursday, August 26, 2004

Law School People Suck like Frist

Look, if you went to Cornell and you are originally from Long Island, could you please stay the fuck away from me? I'm four days in to this whole law school thing and half the people fit this Cornell/Long Island mold and they're killing me. If I hear one more person refer to the quality of attractiveness in females as "talent", well, I might take Jimmy Conway over to their apartment so he can strangle them with a phone cord. Schmuck on wheels, indeed.

"Hey bro, doesn't our class have a lot of talent?"
"Got any sweet talent in your section?"
"May/Walsh = Gold Medal Talent"
"Check out the talent bags on that Long Island Jewish girl who went to Cornell and came directly to law school in her sorority sweatshirt and still tries to buy California rolls with Bonus Bucks."

Somebody actually asked me that second question about the talent in my section. All I could envision was someone standing at the front of the room explaining contract law while sitting on a unicycle and juggling. And since there was a girl doing that just yesterday, I told him, "Yeah, well, this one girl is really talented." And the Cornell said, "Sweet, I could use some talent like that." And I said, "How long have you been in the circus business." He said something about me being "whack"...and then Jimmy came running down the hall with a super long cord and choked him. I think he pissed his pants.

It's like the nightmare of undergraduate "New Student Week" all over again, without the herding masses wandering to parties on Ridge and Noyes, Noyes and Ridge, Ridge and Noyes. How many fucking times do I have to say New Jersey, um...just southwest of Newark, Northwestern, paralegal, Brooklyn Heights, 2,3? And when am I going to learn that people don't really care that I lived for a year in Austria? Why do I bother throwing that in there? Are people from my section going to go to lunch after class and say, "Wow, how bout that awesome guy who taught English for a year in Austria. Let's include him in all of our fun plans."? This is how beat my "first impression" skills have become.

God, I can't even read the paper anymore although I'm pretty sure the convention is coming because half of Brooklyn Heights is currently packing their cars for a trip somewhere. Think the Hamptons might be a tad crowded this week? Think I care? Fuck no. I'm going to be the shit. Dukin' it out with Assbag DeLay and irish-whipping Hastert into the corner. Heads up, turnbuckle. Big Law Fiedler is out for justice. I want to have a kumitei battle with Senate Majority Leader Dr. Frist on the steps of the post office on 34th and 8th. I want there to be a surge of illegal betting by Chinamen holding sheets of paper just as Frist pompously flexes his boob muscles in that way only really cut Asians can do. I want to be framed between two corinthian columns across from the Garden, Frist's prostrate body prone on the marble steps and moving in for the kill. The crowd wants it...expects it. Then someone yells out, "Call Gabe Pressman and Ogre from Animal House...Frist's gonna say it!!!" And then, sure enough, just as Gabe Pressmen ambles up the steps, this happens:

Frist: Matei
Fiedler: Now kill the Patriot Act and this retarded deficit SPEEEEENNNNNNNNDINGGGG!!!
Frist: Matei
Fiedler: Stop scaring the American people with color-coded teror-ALEERRRRRTTTSSS!!!!
Frist: Matei
Fiedler: Renounce control of the Senate, the body of Congress responsible for ratifying international TREEEAAAATTTTTIIIIIIEEEEESSSSSS!!!
Frist: Matei
Fiedler: Pack up your Republican barnstorm and leave our fucking CIIIITTTYYYYYY!!!!!
Frist: Matei

And now Gabe Pressman: There you have it folks. The Bush admin...hey, Keith Jackson stole my mike...
Keith: Tough luck Gabe. Oh, Nelly, you've just seen the first ever successful execution of the 5-Matei takedown. Frist flexed his boob muscles to a great extent but Fiedler capitalized on a series of devastating body slams and then, just as this crowd of 800 frantic Hong Kongese expected the death blow, Fiedler forced the Senate Majority Leader to say "Matei." Mo' is riding out of New York on a donkey. Bush Administration, look out!


At 4:00 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

damn, that keith jackson's got alot of talent

At 4:35 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

the paragraph about the girl on the unicycle is laugh-out-loud funny. bravo.

At 4:09 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

hey Ace, I was just reading some of your old posts, do you happen to go to Brooklyn Law?

At 4:21 AM, Blogger Rip Avery said...

I am so fucking glad I'm done with law school. Those were possibly the worst three years of my life... until I got my first law job.

At 1:10 AM, Blogger BigWinner810 said...

Dude, I hear you about the people at law school. This is my first semester also. Check out my blog about it, "Observations about law students," it's linked on the sidebar.

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At 9:36 PM, Anonymous price per head said...

hahaha I have some good friends of mine that are lawyers and they would laugh at this posts of yours, but they would not be mad, they know they sometimes suck haha


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