Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Me In, Then Me Out Too

My apologies faithful readers. I realize that I've been about as dependable as my old 1985 Chevy Spectrum hatch-back over the past few weeks, all coughin' up fumes and making loud noises when I get above 40 and hotboxing with Newman. All I can say is, "These are truly the dog days." I've been moving, and when I wasn't moving, I was packing, and when I wasn't packing, I was parking my increasingly fat ass on the beach eating the newly-discovered and oh-so-delicious SpongeBob ice cream bars. You see, I don't work anymore...and when you're out of a routine, you're really the anti-blogger. I mean, I can't think of shit to write about anymore, mostly cause I watch cooking shows and Yankeeography all day. My witty repartee has been limited to, "That 30-Minute Meals girl has quirky tits" and "Set it and...(audience, especially buck-toothed lady in 2nd row) FORGET IT!!" Unemployment would be great were it not for the incredible brain drain. I kinda feel like President Bush when he's not clearing brush. In a word...useless. And, well, dumb. Even with all of that fodder from the convention, which I watched religiously, if religously means with a Qdoba burrito and a sack of free chips I scored by noticing the ad for it on the ferry, I had nothing to show for it. Nothing.

But this is all going to change...for two reasons. First, I've got this whole Phish thing coming up that the Cowboy alluded to in the previous post. If Phish can't be mind-expanding, then I don't know what is...except maybe 'shroomin...or rock-climbing with Rains. I'm heading up to Vermont in an RV with a bunch of people from my hometown. I'm probably heading home in a RadioFlyer with some dreadlocked guy named Searrrch and his dog Sparkle. So that should be some fodder right there.

Then, in a little more than a week, 2 great things are happening to me and New York: the RNC (Republican National Convention) and the DSLS (Don Starts Law School). Unfortunately, this is all happening at the same time, ruining my one-train commute from B'klyn right when I want to nail my routine down. Instead of the blissful 2, 3 to 72nd street and a nice little walk, I've got to take an alternate route, cause the 2,3 goes right under MSG and lord knows I don't want to miss my first week of Contracts because Tom deFuckinLay's explosion-severed right arm clocked me in the face as I was passing through the 34th Street station. (Unless Jim Lampley was sitting next to me to commentate, "A powerful majority whip to the face and Fiedler's not making Con Law today folks. Harold, how do you have it? 'Okay, Jim, I scored it 10-7, Tom DeLay's severed arm made a mockery of Fiedler's budding lawyering skills with a lightening quick jab to the chin. Fiedler loses a point for not changing his commute in order to avoid the convention. He should have seen it coming. Back to you Jim.' Thanks Harold. Larry? 'Jim, as Madison Square Garden comes crashing down on top of Penn Station and pandemonium is searing Midtown Manhatten, one can't help wonder whether Don Fiedler will EVER regain the drive and determination it takes to become a big shot Scheister. One shot to the face by Tom DeLay's severed arm could have derailed a potential Clarence Darrow or Chris Darden.') Wow, that would be awesome. Maybe I'll take the 2,3 anyway. Beats taking those brown trains that stop by my apartment.

In any event, I should be meeting lots of new people and when you meet new people, what better than to make fun of them anonymously on your blog? So stay tuned.

9 Comments:

At 1:51 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

Holy crap that was funny.

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

By the way, don't forget that you've spent an inordinate amount of time banging your right hand into a plastic window while throwing back Rogues and screaming "Poxxxxxed it!"

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

The return of Fiedler...mmmm, love it.

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

God, I love the boxing commentary. Hilarious.

 
At 4:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you're the new Sawbones...

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Goddamn, fantastic West Wing reference by that last Anon. poster! I mean, that's obscure as hell...

Donna got me already.

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

What's with the West Wing reference? Did someone mistake Scheister for Sawbones? Cause if so, those are my 2 favorite derogatory occupational nicknames. Plus I like Cobbler, Tinker, Cooper and Fletcher.

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, the joke was that they wanted the new White House counsel (played by Matthew Perry, it was sweeps week, they brought in Chandler) to call himself a Sheister. So they called him "sawbones" in the hopes that he would correct them. First one to get him to do it wins. I think Donna won. She's hot. Good stuff, keep on truckin'.

 
At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ALL CAPS ANONYMOUS SAYS: HAVE FUN GUYS AND DONT FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL

 

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