Friday, August 27, 2004

The NCAA Blow Goats (I Have Proof)

Much like Danny LaRusso's karate, the NCAA is a joke. This is an organization that pledges to protect and advance the 360,000 amateur student-athletes under its guard, yet it routinely fucks them in the ass like Zed and his hillbilly boy buddy. If I were Mike Williams, I'd go to work on the NCAA with a blowtorch and a pair of pliers, git Medieval on its ass.

How can the NCAA not reinstate this guy? He didn't do anything wrong really, he got some bad advice, lost a court case and suffered through months of waiting in agony to see if he could play football again. It's not like it'd be setting a dangerous precedent -- aside from the football world's biggest horse's ass Mo Clarett, nobody will ever be in this situation even again. When I heard the announcement on SportsCenter when I woke up this morning, I was truly speechless. I was without speech.

But I shouldn't have been...this isn't the first time the NCAA has fucked over a talented young athlete. It's not even the first time this week the NCAA has fucked over a talented young athlete. Take the case of Jeremy Bloom, who lost another appeal this week to restore his collegiate eligibility. In addition to being a pretty good wideout for the Colorado University football team, Bloom just happens to be the favorite to win the freestyle moguls at the 2006 Winter Olympics. And because Bloom receives endorsements to help pay for his training in a sport that has nothing to do with his collegiate sport, apparently he can't play football. I so hoped that at some point he walked into the NCAA offices, crumpled up a piece of neo-McCarthyism paper and said, "I may play ball, but I'll never sign this."

I've always hated the NCAA, though. This is the organization that in 1995 declared Stanford University sophomore Tiger Woods ineligible for allowing Arnold Palmer to pick up his $25 portion of the dinner check. Tiger’s eligibility wasn’t restored until the amateur cut Arnie a check for his share. That same year, the NCAA suspended UCLA linebacker Donnie Edwards for accepting a bag of groceries. As the story goes, the bag had been mysteriously left at his doorstep after Edwards outwardly expressed how his lack of funds left him in a constant state of hunger.

More recently, and perhaps most cold-heartedly, the NCAA informed University of Oklahoma third baseman Aaron Adair that his college baseball career was over. Writing a book about his inspirational recovery from brain cancer meant Adair had leant his name to a “corporate product,” an offense the NCAA apparently doesn’t take lightly.

This aggression will not stand, man. So a kid with brain cancer can't play baseball because he profited off a book he wrote about the recovery? Donnie Edwards should go hungry before accepting a gift? Tiger can't go out to lunch with an American idol unless he foots his share of the bill? The NCAA is a bunch of, to borrow a phrase from Stifler's little brother, "Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers."

It's a good thing the NCAA penalizes the good kids while letting the thugs roam free. Mike Williams can't play football, but Willie Williams can? Willie Williams, the nation's top recruit this year, will not only play football this year, but he'll likely star for the University of Miami. This is a guy who reportedly has been arrested 10 times since 1999, the year he turned 14 years old. The following year he was arrested five times, twice for felony offenses (and my guess is they weren't for tampering with mailboxes). Most recently, on his recruiting trip to the University of Florida, police said "Williams hugged a female student without her permission, hit a man at a bar and set off three fire extinguishers in his hotel — all in a span of five hours." So this kid can play amateur athletics but some of the fine fellows mentioned above cannot? The hypocrisy and horrific decision-making of the NCAA knows no bounds.

College sports are pretty entertaining...I just hope the NCAA does everyong a huge favor and gets the fuck out of the way. And if Mike Williams somehow ends up with the NCAA's chopper after a shotgun blast to its balls, then I'd be a happy man. Doesn't take much to make me happy, just a little shotgun to the you know.


At 3:16 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

Speaking of blowing goats (and having proof), how about a post about the USA Men's B-Ball Team. Or as I like to call them, The Not-So-Dreamy Teamy...

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ahh, that topics' been covered...see

The only thing I have to say about the US team is "Holy crap, Richard Jefferson got seveeeerely dunked on at the end of that game."

Not-So-Dreamy Teamy is about as lame as it gets. Sorry, but it's true.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Seyeko said...

I have nothing to add (as I dont watch basketball), but wanted to just be greatful that this week has finally come to and end. Well, in 55 minutes it will be over.

Rock on and rock hard. You did me well this week Ace and friends :)

At 3:43 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

wow, great post ace, couldnt agree with u more, but heres the thing, are U gonna tell Willie Williams he cant go to college??? how bout u, or u, or u??? i didnt think so, for he most certainly could make u happy with a shotgun to your balls.

--hypocratic oaf, wow, theres your band name right there

At 4:04 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:04 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Hypocratic Oaf is brilliant! Great one, poophop. I hate you.

At 4:08 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

Am I supposed to be brilliant with my penis?

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

Dear Bullet,

The removal of your repeated post hath eviscerated my joke.

Go forth and fuck thyself.


At 4:35 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Sorry Bux, it happens. What happens? Shit? Sometimes.

At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I LOVE THIS LINE! It is so Rand-all "Pink" Floyd...

I so hoped that at some point he walked into the NCAA offices, crumpled up a piece of neo-McCarthyism paper and said, "I may play ball, but I'll never sign this."


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