Wednesday, August 11, 2004

We Out

Yaaaay, today's the last day of work before the Ace Cowboy and his friends go on a mini-vacation. People in my office keep saying, "Oh, where are you going?" And my reply has usually been, "Just camping with friends." Little do these simpletons know that I'll be camping with 75,000 friends and four musical dorks who have been stealing my money for nearly a decade.

The great Huey Lewis once said "If this is it, please let me know." The popular rock band Phish was kind enough to let their fans know in advance that this would be their last tour, culminating in a two-day musical free-for-all at an airport in Coventry, Vermont. So for the next five days, Donnie and Ace will be basking in the final blaze of glory -- one show in the CrackDen of Camden, New Jersey and a weekend full of Pheesh up in Coventry. To borrow a term from the band, Slack LaLane will be on hiatus from tomorrow through Tuesday while the site's proprietors dance with hippies and weep uncontrollably at the end of an era. Full report to come next week, hopefully from both Donnie and A.C.

I checked out the Phantasy Tour message board this morning, to see some reaction from last night's show outside Boston, and saw the funniest post title I've ever seen: "Can you fax acid?" Much like Northwestern's 54-51 win over Michigan in 2000, that post's an instant classic right there.

OK, enough of this Phish nonsense, let's change the topic for a's a good story to discuss: "A dispute over a pushcart escalated into a bloody battle when two men engaged in a 'sword fight' using two-by-fours inside Home Depot, police said." I don't mean to get on the soapbox here, but what's all the fighting about, fellas? You're at Home Fucking Depot, most likely getting some silly shit that your wife sent you out for, and you need to swing fists and wield wooden swords over a pushcart? Just like that man really needed to beat another to death at their kids' hockey practice a few years ago?

I think Rodney King definitely deserved the beating of a lifetime, but he was right to say, "Can't we all just get along?" This fight-first-ask-questions-later society kind of scares the fuck out of me, to tell you the truth. One day you're walking down the street, the next someone's trying to pummel you with a lead pipe because you took his parking spot. Or someone DOES pummel you to death because you stole their X-Box. It's a poor example for the keeeds, and it's a terrible way to go through life. What's worse than going through life fat, drunk and stupid? Going through life as an antagonistic prick who tries to fight everyone to look cool in front of his girlfriend, thereby compensating for his excessively small cack. Let's just stick to how we solved problems as high schoolers and make fun of people behind their backs. That'll be much safer.

One last note: Did you know that August was "National Anal Sex Month?" Well it is, so if you've been waiting for the right time to bring it up to your girlfriend, or even your boyfriend, you've got 20 days left to do so. From my days in prison, I like my salad tossed with jelly or syrup.


At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rodney King?
He's that guy.

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

I'll kick your ass for saying I have a small cack.


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