Monday, September 13, 2004

Ola Bombay

I saw Tom Brokaw speak today, here at law school.

Awesome.

It's not everyday that your nonsensical property class ends and your classmate turns to you and says, "Hey, Brokaw's speaking in 5 minutes. Wanna go?" That's one of those instances when the only correct answer is "Would I?" with a corresponding widening of the eyes and a gaping smile.

When we got to the auditorium, we expected to be turned away. But no, the business school attendant, with wide eyes and gaping smile, said, "Go right ahead." At this point, we hi-fived and fist pumped and even the attendant was super-excited. I mean...Brokaw!

And you know what? In person, Brokaw sounds just like TV Brokaw. But he kinda looks like crap. His tie was too short and he is constantly fiddling with his face or picking his nails. At one point, it looked like he was making the "Cock Sucker" Face by jamming his thumb into one side of his face and moving his tongue against his cheek on the other side. Plus, contrary to popular lure, Brokaw does wear suit pants, at least here he did. No sock over the penis for Tom today as he typically does during his news broadcasts.

No. Jim Miklashevski wasn't there. And Tom didn't say his name either. Which sucks. It's been one of the pleasures of my life lo these past 20 years hearing Tom using his unaccented, extremely non-ethnic, non-gay voice to say, "Miklashevski."

But Brian Williams was there. And he didn't participate at all. Just sat there in a dapper suit, watching his predecessor, just months from passing the goddamned torch already, nodding nonsensically at whatever Brokaw was saying. So, does this mean that Williams has to follow Brokaw around like a lackey, even for non-NBC functions?

Tom: "Brian, pick up that piece of shit on the ground."
Brian: "But Tom, I really don't see how this piece of shit could be useful to you."
Tom: "Gee, I feel great. Maybe I can hang around through the 2006 mid-term elections...-"
Brian: "OK, Tom. Fine, I'll pick it up."
Tom: "That's better, BriGuy. You know, Bri? I think you should use this tiny coffee stirrer. Go ahead, put it in your mouth and prod that piece of shit into the street.... That's it.... Oh no, Brian, it's all over your mouth. Practice this, Bri: 'Stunning news from New York, Brian Williams, my eventual successor, just scooped poop off the street with a coffee stirrer.' Now c'mon, I'm late for my pedicure."

But there is nothing quite like being there to hear Tom Brokaw prattle on about the war and how divided our country is and his youth in Yankton, SD (home of Charlie Utter) and blogs. That's right, Brokaw visits blogs to get a sense of public perception of major events. Maybe, before he retires we'll hear:

"Stunning news from Manhattan's Upper East Side, as someone's sweaty, hairy back was seen masturbating to accidentally-downloaded gay porn while eating carrot cake, drinking vodka and harassing women in the service industry. Let's go to Nora O'Donnell with the latest..."

11 Comments:

At 4:14 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

What the fuck is going on?

First, Ace attacks me about Curtis Martin, who, despite his Week One perform against a Bengals defense on which I started three preseason games, will NOT get 1500 yards rushing this season. Then he calls me out about being overly self-depricating on my blog.

Now, Donnie is taking swipes about my motifs of hair, gluttony, and unwanted sexual advances.

Does this mean war? Or are you trying to get in my pants? I'm so fucked up right now I can't tell.

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Just tryin to ease the tension baby! I actually thought I came up with a synopsis of your blog, Jay. No offense. Them's the facts. I'm pretty sure you're not producing a work of literary sensibility on par with Goethe or Tolstoy or Ted Wass.

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Nobody insults Curtis Martin and gets away with it...that's the Cowboy Doctrine. The Fiedler Doctrine, not sure what that says, probably something like "Goooolden Years, Gooo-oooo-oooo-ld waa waa waa."

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War: What is it Good For? It was his mistress...

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN HOOOOO, GOOD GOD

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Guys, c'mon. Brokaw....BROKAW!!!

 
At 4:48 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Oh, right...Brokaw rocks me like a hurricane. Stunning news out of Fordham today, as Donnie Fiedler accuses an old cranky coot of using a penis-sock on live television.

Would "Tom and Keith," a reality show like the Surreal World pairing Brokaw and Jackson not be the highest rated show on TV? It would shatter records. "Whoooa nelly, it appears the household labrador is delightfully licking some delicious peanut butter off my nads...back to you Tom." "Thanks Keith, shooocking neeews."

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

i could watch a loop of brokaw sayin Jalalabad for 72 straight hours, easy. i believe opie and anthony had a solid running bit on TB and his inability to pronounce words, instant classic

 
At 5:51 PM, Blogger abby said...

Tom Brokaw is a total fox.

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger Wooglin said...

If you not with Brokaw your against Brokaw. And if your against Brokaw your with Dan Rather and the terrorists.

 
At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK.. let's get real about the Brokaw thing.

I know, Im a day late and a dollar short, but I just ran across this blog, and I am, well, emotional to say the least.

As someone who worked in news, who knows what a load of crap the whole industry has become. I only wish I had the chance to ask him this:

"Mr. Brokaw, how do you feel you have been able to reconcile your desire to be a legitimate journalist in a place where news has not been 'valued' as a service to the American public at NBC, since Jack Welch took over GE?"

News has changed so dramatically -- and corporate owners like Welch are laregely responsible. It's no longer about stories that are important, but rather stories that only sell and get ratings. When working full-time at GE, Welch, like every other corporate CEO of a media/corporate coglamorate would have cancel all news programming tomorrow if he could - news simply makes no money. So, as a compromise, in order to make news profitable (not just self-sustaining, or usually a losing proposition), producers, news directors, editors, and the like are forced to study market research and ratings. They are no longer reporters, but glorified marketing consultants and customer service representatives.

Think about it: Who profited off 9-11? Who's profiting off the War in Iraq? Aside from questionably the Bush and Cheney families (and that could be an entirely different blog), news organizations are making big bucks thanks to your eyeballs, and your quarters.

So how do you reconcile that, Mr. Brokaw? (Of course, since he does make a multi-million dollar salary, I'm sure he'd keep pretty tight lipped about the whole thing.)

Well, that's my 2 cents. Make that 25 cents: After saying all that, I too am sadly guilty of being part of the vicious consumer-news cycle, as I choose my morning newspaper purchase based on the price:entertainment ratio. Looks like Martha in Camp Cupcake won out over the presidential debates this morning...

 
At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK.. let's get real about the Brokaw thing.

I know, Im a day late and a dollar short, but I just ran across this blog, and I am, well, emotional to say the least.

As someone who worked in news, who knows what a load of crap the whole industry has become. I only wish I had the chance to ask him this:

"Mr. Brokaw, how do you feel you have been able to reconcile your desire to be a legitimate journalist in a place where news has not been 'valued' as a service to the American public at NBC, since Jack Welch took over GE?"

News has changed so dramatically -- and corporate owners like Welch are laregely responsible. It's no longer about stories that are important, but rather stories that only sell and get ratings. When working full-time at GE, Welch, like every other corporate CEO of a media/corporate coglamorate would have cancel all news programming tomorrow if he could - news simply makes no money. So, as a compromise, in order to make news profitable (not just self-sustaining, or usually a losing proposition), producers, news directors, editors, and the like are forced to study market research and ratings. They are no longer reporters, but glorified marketing consultants and customer service representatives.

Think about it: Who profited off 9-11? Who's profiting off the War in Iraq? Aside from questionably the Bush and Cheney families (and that could be an entirely different blog), news organizations are making big bucks thanks to your eyeballs, and your quarters.

So how do you reconcile that, Mr. Brokaw? (Of course, since he does make a multi-million dollar salary, I'm sure he'd keep pretty tight lipped about the whole thing.)

Well, that's my 2 cents. Make that 25 cents: After saying all that, I too am sadly guilty of being part of the vicious consumer-news cycle, as I choose my morning newspaper purchase based on the price:entertainment ratio. Looks like Martha in Camp Cupcake won out over the presidential debates this morning...

 

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