Thursday, September 09, 2004

Snooze Bar

Very difficult to get out of bed this morning...In fact, I think today was really the first morning since I started this job more than a year ago that I would rather stab throngs of pregnant women in the bellies with rusty shivs than get out of my bed. I'd gladly punch a wheelchair-bound senior if it meant another couple hours in the sack. Hell, some of those old fockers deserve it, with their pea soup and irritable bowels and their never-ending supply of talc.

But seriously, I'd much rather have 100 conversations that start with, "So, that Hurricane Frances, huh?" than get out of bed this morning. (And seriously, next person who wants to talk to me about hurricanes is getting punched right in the tits, man or woman). I'd rather have Iron Mike Tyson stomp on my testicles, rather be burned by the embers of 1,000 cigarettes or be repeatedly kicked in my already bruised shins by a gang of Asian schoolgirls wearing nothing but steel-toed boots, training bras and plastic tiaras than get out of bed. But, you know what, I'm out of bed, and I'm here now. So forget all that stuff. Except the schoolgirls with the boots -- as Enthusiasm Kerry would monotonously chant, "Bring them on."

Well, if you read yesterday's post and then watched some baseball highlights last night, you know I don't mess around. Beisbol been berry berry good to me. The NL Wild Card race is even closer and the AL East and West races are getting closer by the day. Some teams are playing their best baseball right now (like the Astros who bombed four homers in the first inning last night), and some teams are playing like a steaming pile of monkey feces (like the Cubbies who dropped out of first in the Wild Card standings after dropping six of nine). I would give the Red Sawx a compliment here, like holy crap these guys are so good right now I hope their team plane crashes into a serious mountain, but management has edited this post. For now, I'll just say: "Ay Papi."

But we do have the start of football season tonight, a great kickoff game of the Gaytriots and the Colts. Pretty excited for that, should be a sick game. But as far as the NFL season goes, I got a bone to pick with Bill Simmons...for a couple years already, Donnie and I (and countless others) have been saying the reason the Sports Guy is a Sports Douche is because he ruins every joke for everyone. You've been using a joke for years? Well, if he writes the same thing, and you use it one day, everyone calls you out on using a non-original joke, when in fact you've been saying it all along. Confusing, yes. Douchey move, also a yes. Look, the guy is so clearly the voice of a generation and a great writer, but for the love of Godsmack, stop it.

Anyway, in his latest column on the NFL season, this ass clown decided to tell everyone the Jets are this year's sleeper team! Why, Bill Simmons, why? So now all these morons who lack any semblance of original thought and worship all this guy's ideas (you know, the ones that write him e-mails like "I read your stuff in the bathroom every're so funny man...I want your mom banged a palamino") will be on the Jets bandwagon. That's not how it's supposed to go. Everyone's supposed to write the Jets off completely, and I'm the guy who's supposed to ride in on the white horse and write the "Get on the Jets bandwagon" article. Dude, this fucker's a Pats fan and he's saying this? Maybe it's a reverse jinx, but man oh man, nothing steams my chaps more than the Sports Guy stealing my thunder, especially when it comes to my Jets. I can only hope Bill Cosby stops ranting about the troubles of black people and starts ripping apart the Sports Guy.

Some quickie notes:

--Someone came to this site yesterday through Google looking for "David Spade's current love life and gossip." Too. Many. Questions. I mean, first, who the fuck is searching for that? More importantly, how the shit did they get to Slack with that? I love Joe Dirt as much as the next guy, but that's out of order. You outta order yourself.

--A Florida man who was trying to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when one of the dogs made the .38-caliber revolver discharge. You can't make this stuff up.

--This is one very lucky kid, man.

--Tube tops need to make a comeback.

--Shaq fights back through song. Rock 'n Roll.


At 11:33 AM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

Cowgirl, stop, as they say in the (raphael de la) ghetto, "hating". fact is, men want to be with the sports guy, and women want to be the sports guy, or something!

maybe if u started calling the jets some clever name that included a gay overtone they would rip off 15 in a row. gaytriots gaytriots ra ra raaaaaaa!!!!

At 12:09 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Poophop, I don't think there's any denying that the Sports Guy is the man...I gave him his props in there, he is the voice of a generation and the best "read" out there...

I'm just sayin', stop ruining jokes for people and stick to your own team, ya whorebag, quit poaching my Jets.

Breaking news, I just heard the Pats and Sawx team buses collided in the Logan parking lot. Too bad.

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

Thanks to Simmons, I can no longer quote Goodfellas. This is the end of my friendship with Donnie Feedebaggesues, as we will only be able to communicate through hand gestures.

You know, Simmons, you're a real prick, you know that. You know the kind of money--Damn.

What an asshole.

At 12:36 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

Good god - that tubes top picture is HOT!

At 12:53 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

haha, wow, i hope everyone is alright

At 1:27 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

The funny thing is, I found that tube tops picture after I made that random Hannibal Smith used to say, "I love it when a plan comes together."

I ain't gettin' on no plane, Hannibal.

Simmons ruined Goodfellas, he ruined the black people with white names/white people with black names joke, he prompted a generation of simpletons to worship the Unintentional Comedy Scale, the list goes on and on. But yeah, we all still love him, because there's nobody better out there. Much like Cleveland, he rocks. Ohio.

Team bus collision update: Manny is still alive, but he's still a throbbing pussy.

At 1:33 PM, Blogger Seyeko said...

Shaq (circa 1999): "I rap no mo'"

Good times.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

too bad giambi wasnt on the bus, could have put him out of his misery


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