Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Yo, I'm Cuban B

(Second time I've used that title by the way, both very appropriate.)

After the whole Joey fiasco, I'm actually a tad bit afraid to document my likes and dislikes on this here blog...I mean, suck one dick and it's youthful indiscretion, watch and enjoy the first episode of Joey and all of a sudden you're chuggin' cock and takin' on all comers from all angles, gay as Harvey Fierstein in a pride parade. Ok, so I liked Joey, there's no need to tell me to change my name from Ace Cowboy to Fagitor: There Are None Gayer Than I.

But despite what some of you may say or even do (three distinct models of the new Matt LeBlanc dildo were shipped to my apartment actually), I'm sticking to my guns and giving you more of what I enjoy in my free time. And I'll tell you what: The Benefactor...I fuckin' loved it. Sure, some people can probably convince me that Mark Cuban is a giant toolbox, if they had the time and I had just ingested a small dosage of GHB with Sebastian Janikowski. But I really like Cuban, and I really enjoyed this program for one simple reason: If I were a self-made billionaire with a professional basketball team and lots of time on my hands, this is the EXACT show I'd want to put on the air. And I think you'd do the same. This is what we all want to be -- just a guy (or a gal, or even a chick with dick) who goes through life and does things on his terms, by his rules, on his schedule. There's never been anything more American than that. Well, except for Uncle Sam dry-humpin' an apple pie watching some baseball playoffs -- that's pretty fuckin' American.

Cuban kicked three people off the show last night, all with what my roommate and I thought was genuine remorse. But he kicked the first guy off because he called Cuban's show "stupid" while being watched on a hidden camera. I'd do the same. Then he held one-on-one interviews with the remaining 15 contestants and kicked off the bitch who refused to play AC/DC's "Back in Black" on the air guitar. She just got through telling him she's not shy and she wants to put 30-somethings on the map, and how she started taking guitar lessons, and then she refuses to mock play her own favorite song? Damn right, Cubes, kick this Margaret Cho-lookin' bitch to the curb...

The final choice was between resident annoying fat guy starving for attention and red-headed poker-playing slutty looking girl. Cuban decided against deciding, and decided to pit them against each other in the ultimate game of determination and skill: Jenga. And in my best Fire Marshall Bill voice, let me tell you something: Cuban owns a professional basketball team that has had some sick games the last few years...and I still think he was more into this Jenga game than any of those contests. It was nothing short of intense; for him, it looked like it was more intense than being in the room when Lance and Vinnie Vega plunged a syringe into the heart of Mrs. Mia Wallace. I felt the heat at home, the Ambiguously Gay Uno felt it (that's a weird phrase), we all felt it. Who knew that Jenga could be this nutty? This shit was nuttier than squirrel turds. Eventually the red-headed poker-playing slutty looking girl lost, but I think we all came out winners last night. We all were winners.

Finally, a show to precede Monday Night Football that I'll actually enjoy -- hasn't been that way since MacGyver left the airwaves more than a decade ago. In lieu of the dreamy Richard Dean Anderson, I'll take the loudmouth billionaire we all know we'd love to be.

(I've already gotten a "you're gay" response from one friend, who made some good points. In the interest of equal time, here's Lukas' opinion:

If I were a billionaire I would definitely consider buying a sports team and being a unique, loose-cannon, micro-managing owner, no doubt. But if you’re a guy who 1) pioneered internet radio and 2) is running an NBA franchise in an original way, why fall into the trap of knockoff billionaire reality shows? It’s not original. Not cool.)


At 1:45 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

I seriously thought that I was the only person in the world to have seen that comedy hour from which the best tv / movie / porno reference on this blog came from- "Oh that guy- he's REALLY gay"! That show was seriously from like 6th grade. Kudos for that one, Ace. Well played.

And Cuban kicked that second chick off cause she was ASIAN and trying to sing AC/DC. Heard Cubans don't dig the Asians. Except for Asia de Cuba- that place is awesome.

At 1:49 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I have no idea what comedy special that was, but it was hilarious..."What gay shirt? The pink one, with the guys fucking each other on it." That guy rocked. If anyone knows what the hell we're talkin' about, help us out.

Asia de Cuba, good joke, AGU...Conan, I laughed.

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Seyeko said...

Is this one of them gosh darn reality shows?

Just what America needs - MORE REALITY!

Give me a Full House reunion any day of the week over this nonsense.


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