Sunday, October 24, 2004

I've Been Smited

What the fuck have I done to attract the full-blown ire of the Sports Gods? I'm not entirely sure how much worse my week could have gone in a sporting sense...maybe if Derek Jeter announced his retirement from baseball and Tim McCarver announced he was moving into my apartment to do the color commentary while I make us breakfast (He throoows the egg shells awaaaay, innnsiiiide the garbage), that would push the whole thing over the cliff without a barrel. But this week/weekend definitely qualifies as one of the absolute shitfests in my quarter-century of fandom. Rock bottom.

Coming off my worst defeat as a fan -- sitting in the upper deck of Yankee Stadium while Jerk Brown and Javier Vazdouche basically took two giant craps on the mound -- I needed a solid week of football to bring me back into good spirits. I've felt the ironic and merciless wrath of the Gods, I've endured the worst defeat in history of professional sports, now if they could only find it in their hearts to balance the ledger and provide me with some semblance of happiness this weekend. Um, no such luck. Not one bit. The Gods still hate me. "They hate me like Cheney's daughter hates cock" (J. Kerry, 2004).

First up, the surprisingly 3-3 Northwestern Wildcats blew goats and a golden opportunity for another top-ten upset at Wisconsin by playing like a bunch of fuckin' Timmys. The offense was downright offensive (I hate when people write that fuckin' "I'm so clever, look what I did with words" offense/offensive cliche, but I'm tired and I'm cranky so you'll take what I fuckin' give you) and the defense was about as intimidating as a Tim Wakefield fastball, high and tight. NU's rope-a-dope stratgy worked soundly against the seventh-ranked Badgers, as the Cats dug themselves into a solid 24-0 deficit before finally realizing they were playing a game. The Cats scored 12 points on two touchdowns, but player-killing coach Randy Walker made some questionable decisions for the points after and our half of the scoreboard looked weird. The scoring ended there, as did any unrealistic dream of winning the Big Ten, and NU's record fell to .500 in the Big Ten, with big road games ahead against Michigan and Purdue.

But the real Kobe Job took place today, as I pretty much sat there and took Hot Carl after Cleveland Steamer all fuckin' day long. In addition to going 4-9 in my weekly pick 'em pool, I got eliminated from the world famous, six-figure knockout pool when Jacksonville's kicker booted a ridiculous 53-yarder with little time left, losing my chance at some seriously big money, AND because I forgot that the Giants eat huge turds when you actually wager on them, I took my first defeat in my other double-elimination knockout pool, AND the undefeated Jets forgot how to score points and made me suffer through another painful loss to a team from New England, a region I sincerely hope gets a well-deserved tsunami and a wicked case of malaria. My fantasy team finally showed up to play this week, but I'd gladly trade that in for a win by any of the aformentioned teams.

And now I have to listen to Fucking McCarver as my nemeses, the Sawx, keep roll along...nothing makes my head spin and gets the vomit in my stomach going more than "fastball innnsiiiide, fastball awaaaay, fastball innnsiiiide, fastball awaaaay." Make him stop, make it all stop. What's it gonna take for me to win some games and feel some joy?! Right now I'm like the anti-Parker Lewis...I can't win. At this point, I'm just waiting for my bong to break.

I did get to chuckle a bit this weekend though, as I witnessed the Ashlee Simpson meltdown on Saturday Night Live. I'm sure you've all heard about this by now, so there's no sense in recapping it. If you haven't seen the actual video clip and for some reason haven't invested in a DVR, you can go to this site and check it out. And for those of you have seen the clip already, go to that site anyway and check out the Remix, Ms. Simpson dancing that jig of sorts set to Benny Hill-type music. Great work by the guy who put that together.

This may make me seem like a guy who is out of the loop, but that's the first time I've ever seen what Ashlee Simpson looks like. And I hope you agree, but she's nothing special at all, not neeeearly as attractive as people made her out to be. I thought she looked more like Courtney Love than her older sister. Then the girl's exposed like this, and well, if people still support her after this I'm calling shennanigans on everyone. As my buddy Matt said, "This chick's career is over faster than Kevin Maas'." The only thing she's there for is to sing, and she can't even do that? And then she blamed it on her band, who was just trying to cover her non-sexy ass? Despite looking a bit geigh, I hope those guys either gangbanged her later that night or release a terse statement stating that she farts in the bath and eats the bubbles. She's a fonzanoon. Very uncool to blame the band. That shit is not cool. Dart > neck.

Another World Series-related note: Red Cowboy, my good brother, found a great lookalike during Game 1. St. Louis starter Woody Williams and character actor René Auberjonois, most recently seen (by nobody) in Boston Legal. I had no clue who that guy was, but it turns out he looked differently while playing the villain in my favorite Police Academy movie: Assignment Miami Beach. I love this guy, I really love this guy. I truly think he should have won an Oscar for that role. I'm not shitting you. Great peroformance. And he actually does look a lot like Woody Williams, or maybe his father for that matter. Good call, Red, although I've always said Woody looks like other character actor Jere Burns. See for yourself and decide...

Lastly, here's a story that will remind you how far we've advanced as a civilized society. Some people just have a screw loose, and then some people are missing that whole little plastic bag of screws and bolts. Then there's this chick.


At 9:19 AM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

cryyyyy me a rivvvvvveeeeeer, whoaa, cryyyyy me a rivvvvvveeeeeer.

i actually wont make fun of u for losing that big knockout pool, cause that crap just aint funny, sorry to hear ace.

if u need something to cheer u up, theres an ice skating incident somewhere on the internet that looks like Brock Lesners F-5 finishing move, thats guaranteed to make your day better

At 9:31 AM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Don't worry about any of this. Boston is just getting it's jollies until its Judgment Day. It's uppance will come. Oh yes. And that uppance will be an implosion caused by excess digging under the city to open up highway tunnels and result in a cateclysmic explosion of chowder and drunken Irish launched sky-high over New England, raining down day-old Guinness and gnarled accents from Penobscot to New London.

At 10:01 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Sure I may be kvetching, but for someone who got shit on lft and right this past week, I'm doing allright. Taking my lumps in stride, I keep smiling like Stevie and Dionne told me to do. In good times, and bad times, I'll be on your side forever more...

Let's hope that uppance comes soon, Donnie. Actually, let it come after Nov. 2, we need to root for New England next Tuesday.


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