Monday, October 04, 2004

Mawwage is What Bwings Us Togedda, Today

Weddings are awesome. I fuckin' love weddings with all my heart. If I loved women like I loved weddings, I'd probably already be married. For the horned-folk out there, weddings are a lot like Bar Mitzvahs for adults. I like to think that the SAT analogy goes like this:

Las Vegas : Disneyworld :: Weddings : Bar Mitzvahs

If Vegas is considered the adult playground, weddings must be considered the same in the scheme of occasions. Everyone's having a great time in honor of the bride and groom (or should I say everyone's having a great time in honor of the bride's father's bank account). Seemingly normal people are getting absolutely trashed with no regard for anything outside the walls of the establishment, kids and babysitters at home, jobs on Monday, etc. It's all about the open bar and the many, many shots and hard liquor drinks being passed around. On a few occasions, we even saw a handful of older folks head outside to smoke a joint or two. Now that's how you do it when you're older than half a century. I can only hope to be as cool as that guy with the bad combover who looked like he was about to say "Hey man, watch the leather, ahh ah ha" to his buddy. Good times for us, good times for those dudes.

Congratulations to Slack loyalist and good friend QLRM, and his new bride Kim -- as the Ambiguously Gay Uno said in his speech at Friday night's rehearsal dinner, "Hopefully you guys are together for a long time." Hopefully. Good call.

That reminds speeches at weddings, or even at rehearsal dinners, are one of the most nerve-racking experiences known to man. It really shouldn't be that rattling, but for some reason it is. There's the public speaking in general factor, which gave rise to one of Seinfeld's greatest observations: Fear of public speaking is the biggest fear of all, with death being the second biggest fear -- that means at a funeral, you'd rather be the one in the casket than the one giving the eulogy. Brilliant. But there's also the "big occasion" factor, that this is the one of, if not the biggest event in these people's lives, and your speech has a direct contribution on the occasion's success.

Thank God (and I do mean Allah) that I didn't have to speak at the actual wedding...I was pretty much freaking out and wetting myself silly about my speech for the rehearsal dinner. A bunch of unprepared morons, we were, the groom's friends from high school. At one point I was thinking about employing someone to burst in to interrupt my portion of the speech, just so I could say "Reeshard, I am in the middle of a speesh here..." and then proceed to run out of the room and fight him with a lead pipe because I switched the samples and killed Lentz. That woulda gotten me off the hook, and it woulda made me a happy little child. But, we did fine. More than fine, I think. A couple jokes here, a couple of "I love you, maaaans" there, we did a pretty good job. Apparently Grandma Laura looked like she liked our performance. I think she wanted it.

The wedding itself was fantastic, as preached above. I don't think it's possible to have a bad time at a wedding, unless of course Buscemi breaks in with his "best man, better man/best guitarist in the world" routine. Otherwise, they're always solid. Whether it's a close gathering among friends and family like PB and GB's wedding in June, or a Crazy Jew Gala Event like this weekend, I love a good wedding. I think I freaked my date out a little bit because I love to dance like an absolutely drunken freak and she wasn't ready for embarassment like that, but I'm pretty sure everyone walked away with their heads held high. Or perhaps even held over the toilet while reversing the process of peristalsis.

The only downside to this shindig was that I missed Northwestern's shocking 33-27 overtime upset of #6 Ohio State this weekend. I think everyone related to the school watched this one closely, and I totally fucking missed it. Hey, I'd gladly take my night over watching the game, but I would have loved to have seen this thing. If for nothing else, it would have reminded me of our 54-51 win over Michigan in 2000, as has been previously referred to on this here site. One of these days I'll get around to posting something about that magical game, the incredible feeling of winning a big time game and rushing the field, which current NU Cats better be feeling this week. Sadly, however, one NU student died while rushing the field, and my heart goes out to his family. These kinds of tragedies always choke me up a little bit. Didn't mean to get all (Yahoo) Serious on you, but they really do get to me.

Speaking of Chi-town, big thumbs up goes out to Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, who became the first big time top dog of any city to take his head out of his ass about our nation's drug policy. Daley said "late last month that a police sergeant was on to something when he suggested that it might be better to impose fines between $250 and $1,000 for possession of small amounts of marijuana rather than prosecute the cases." I consider myself a fairly smart guy, and I can't for the life of me see how alcohol is legal and marijuana not, but that's another issue for another time I guess. As for now, Daley and Chicago could be the key step needed for our federal and state laws to finally be amended...and those laws really need to be changed before we lock up half the fucking population for drug violations. America locks up a greater percentage of its citizens than any other civilization in the world, and this is a big reason why. If you haven't read "Reefer Madness" by Eric Schlosser, I strongly recommend it. And if you haven't sparked a doob lately, well, I strongly recommend that too.

Lastly, today's the five-year anniversary of one of my favorite Pheesh shows in Normal, Illinois...and that show was anything but normal. In honor of this occasion, may everybody drive through about 15 speed traps on the ride home from work while absolutely rolling your face off. Then hopefully some douchie cop won't tail your bumper at 4 AM in Skokie, Illinois going 35 MPH for a mile or two, all while you completely eat out the inside of your cheek.

If you have a copy of this show, listen to it. It'll put some hair on your chest.


At 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


God, that is genius.

At 1:57 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Can't go wrong with the Buscemi/Sandler duo...


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