Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Now I Want No Rain

Line of the day: "If Mariano has another night like this, I say it's time for him to go swimming in his own pool." --My boss

Call me a flip flopper in online ads and at the blog debates...I don't mind. But after thinking about this, and listening to the sage advice of Slack Reader Ethan, I want to the fellers to play this game tonight after all. Schilling's ankle cannot possibly take this cold and harsh weather, and he definitely can't get good footing on the wet mound (wet mound actually sounds like a body part relating to sex, no?). So, play ball.

I guess my not wanting them to play was based on my selfish desire for a fuckin' rest. I don't think I can take much more of this. My productivity has fallen through the floor since this series started, especially the last two days. I feel like donning a tutu, banging my head into the desk as hard as I can and yelling, "Halftime."

When the Yankees went up 3-0, a neutral friend asked me, "Wouldn't it be more fun if this series was closer?" My answer was an unwavering "NO!" It's totally fun when the Yanks are just beating the pants right off their hated rivals. It's not fun at all when the series is close. There's potential heart attacks, suicidal tendencies, you name it. You think John Olerud is afraid of having an aneurysm, he's got nothing on me right now. This has gotten out of hand. I was having fun when we led by three games...now, not so much. On the walk home to my apartment last night I nearly beat an elderly lady with her own shoes because she looked at funny and was wearing a red rain hat. But then we made out instead.

Before the series, in my ALCS preview, I said this about Papi: "David Ortiz is a wicked mawn-stah and perhaps the best free agent signing of the last few years. Even if Ruben Sierra and Kenny Lofton come up with big hits again in this ALCS, they can't hold a candle to Papi and his cool beard. I fear Ortiz. Manny is a punk, I wanna fight him in the streets like Tommy Gunn as my wife and kid look on. But Ortiz I respect, he makes me wet myself in that non-erotic way. Major advantage, Sawx."

OK, if I know it, and you know it, why the hell didn't Joe Torre know that Ortiz should not be dealt with like mere mortals? Um, this just in Joe, Ortiz is a clutch hitter who has been tattooing balls in this playoffs. How can you justify NOT walking Ortiz to pitch to Doug Fuckin' Mientkiewicz, who batted .238 this season? Sure, the bases would be loaded, and a pass ball or a walk from Loaiza would lose the game, but that's the chance you take to skip the league's most locked in hitter not named Beltran in order to face a guy who would be bagging groceries if he wasn't a good defender. Torre is the man, I rarely question his decisions, but this one makes zero sense to me. Loaiza actually made a great pitch, totally jammed Ortiz with raspberry like Spaceball One. But Papi fought it off and blooped one in, which is exactly why you put him on.

And that brings me to a big point...the Sports Guy keeps whining like a hot, 12-year-old girl about the breaks not going the Sawx way. "We never get the breaks, Schilling's ankle, etc." After last night's game, in which Tony Clark could have ended it in regulation had the ball not bounced an inch higher than the right field wall, and Ortiz did end it with a weird jam-shot up the middle, I don't wanna fuckin' hear it any more. You got your breaks last night, you've ALWAYS gotten some breaks whether you admit it or not, so know your role and shut your mouth, Simmons.

And with that, it's time to grab some lunch...all this talk about baseball is making me hungry for some hot dogs. But I'll settle for some office cafeteria food, I will. Hopefully the Yanks can knock some sense into themselves, tell each other to stop fuckin' around and put these d-bags out of their misery.

I'm no fan of video games, but as the Mortal Kombat guy says, "Finish him."

(Oh, in one last note...does everyone in Boston have Down Syndrome? Jeez, you'd think the guys at Fox would pan the crowd less after they realized the crowd was Lieber-esque in looks. I'm not the most superficial guy out there, but I'd have a threeway with Blossom and the Asian puddle-jumper from the post below over 99.44 percent of the females in the crowd.)

(OK, really one last note...this comes from the Firekid up in Boston. Check out what ran in the Boston Globe today.)

7 Comments:

At 2:17 PM, Blogger Sox1918 said...

three things:

1) bill simmons should rot in hell
2) Schilling isn't even hurt (he is just a huge pussy who made an excuse after he got caught talking shit to the wrong city)
3) Firebush...you should be ashamed that something that gay would ever be published in your second class city

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

"poophop, you jealous bitch. Seriously, why are you so down this morning? Is it because the two retarded Yankees, Helmet Boy and Down Syndrome Lieber, beat this Beantown team of destiny? Is that why? The Slow Yankees beat your frat boy squad good in the Bronx, and we're taking two of three in your park. We are. We're going for the jugular. Jerk Brown pitches a siuck game tomorrow, mark those palabras."

have a little faith in your team ace, jeez, u were singing quite a different tune a few days ago

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger ethan said...

"matsui's a dork"

wow, that one really stings. this may be the most pathetic cut on someone ever. at least you could say something about his gi-normous ear lobes...

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

poophop, keep it down...as a Sawx fan, you should know what it's like for the general sentiment to turn around (in either direction). Don't be upset because I called your city ugly and retahded.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

actually i was upset at u calling me a bitch, i'm no bitch, a lazy ass maybe, but not a bitch

as for getting breaks, 86 years of not getting breaks and then finally getting 2 last night hardly qualifies for your argument against the sports guy

-jeffrey maeir

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

"as for getting breaks, 86 years of not getting breaks and then finally getting 2 last night hardly qualifies for your argument against the sports guy -jeffrey maeir"

Uccchhh, I just threw up. I mean, Jeffrey Maier didn't even involve you guys, that was fuckin' Baltimore. What gives you the right to invoke his name. I didn't see WE don't get breaks, I'm saying quit your incessant whining about YOU not getting breaks. If you truly believe that you've gone 86 years without getting breaks, you're 100% delusional.

I have about 1700 arguments to refute your nonsense, but for now I gotta study.

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

enough of this stupid argument, i was slightly exagerrating, but, good teams get breaks, i.e. the yanks and pats, and lesser teams dont, thats why it was so shocking to see the breaks go the sox way the last 2 games

 

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