Monday, October 18, 2004

Some Thoughts

Random thoughts on this un-gloooorious Monday:

--My roommate, his girlfriend and I were discussing Halloween costumes last night. She's almost certain she'll go as some sort of "naughty schoolgirl" or "kinky librarian," after going last year as a "slutty nurse." Halloween is truly amazing, every girl in NYC fulfills their innermost desire by dressing "up" in as little clothes as possible and looking as whore-like as can be. I'm not complaining by any means, this is excellent for the male population. I've participated in my fair share of late October eye-rapes. But the number of actual sexual assaults probably goes through the roof on Halloween...and you know what, that's also okay with me. On the other 364 days a week I'll go along with the "Just because she dresses like a slut doesn't mean she is one" defense, and agree women shouldn't be victimized. But on this night, which is different than all other nights, I say women deserve what they got coming to 'em. Dress like a slutty nurse, be prepared for me to turn my head and cough. Jeez, I just re-read that paragraph, and I know, I know. I'm jus' keeeding, have a sense of humor...some of my best friends are holiday rapists.

--If I ever have a black girlfriend around the time of Halloween, we're 100 percent dressing up as Lisa Turtle and Screech. I may even hire a low-class black escort this year just to make it happen. Now if I only I can get over my fear of colored people, I can make that a reality.

--Speaking of minorities, David Ortiz has the coolest beard of all time. I'd kill two hookers and a journeyman painter for that Latino chinstrap of his. But that doesn't mean I like when he rockets a Quantrillic fastball with little movement into the right field seats at Fenway. Boo Ortiz, boooo Ortiz. This guy scares me like today's CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll scares me.

--Perhaps the most little talked about point of this ALCS: Why the hell did the Red Sawx walk Jorge Posada to get to Ruben Sierra in Game 3? I'm not sure I've ever seen such a poor managerial decision in my entire life. Two outs, runner on second, still a relatively close game down only three runs...pitch to the hitter you have in front of you, who may be the only Yankee not red hot, and get the hell out of the inning. I mean, what is even Francona's explanation for that decision? People might say, "Hey, it was 19-8, who cares?" But that blew the game wide open when it was still close, and it underscores why the Yanks will close out the Sawx tonight. That move was grounds for firing, no joke. If Costanza can get fired for shtupping the cleaning lady on his desk, Francona needs to be fired immediately following this series.

--Unless of course the Sawx win this series! I've had these awful thoughts all day and night...could this be the shoe on the other hand?! To truly reverse the Curse, Sawx fans needed to test their faith, watch as their beloved squadron falls back by three games, down to their final three outs. And then they watch as Boston delivers the ultimate, never-before-seen comeback, watching the rival Yankees pull a Sawx-like collapse. Could this happen? Could Ortiz's homer have emboldened Boston? They've got Pedro in Game 5 and perhaps Big Schill in Game 6, right? Could this be the year that Charlie Brown actually kicks the ball and breaks Lucy's hand in the process? Um, nah, I don't think so, but I've been thinking about this scenario all night and all day. Tune in at 5:10 ET for the answers...

--Carlos Beltran is a monster. There's really nothing to say about him other than "He's a freak of nature, Bruce." Random The State references aside, this guy is just crushing the ball, as locked in a hitter as I've seen outside of San Francisco. Every team is going to make this guy a priority in the off-season, but here's my prediction for who ends up with him: Cubs, maybe Red Sawx. No, the Yanks will not be featuring Mr. Beltran in center next season, as much as I'd love to watch him play every day.

--Jeannie Zelasko looks like she gives out a ton of free head, right? I mean, a fuckin' ton, like she might have permanent TMJ disorders from these actions. There's no way she's not blowing Kevin Kennedy during commercials.

--The J-E-T-S are now 5-0, and still get no respect. Sure they've beaten some of the worst teams in the league, but who do you want them to play? They've got a schedule to keep here, people. You can't beat teams you don't play, you have to go out and beat who's in front of you. And that's exactly what we've done. So while Pats fans might not be too scared of Gang Green when we roll into town on Sunday afternoon, but we're going to show up ready to play and ready to win. Expect a thrashing, Pats fans, but you'll be walking out of Gillette Stadium with a 16-13 loss in your back pocket and your dicks in your front ones.

--Don't forget to watch the Jon Stewart on Crossfire ridiculousness (scroll down if you haven't seen it). I don't know quite what to make of this...I love Jon Stewart, and I think the media has really let down the American public. But I'm not sure I entirely agree with the funnyman on this one. Crossfire is not such a bad show, and it's definitely not hurting America. That is, when Bob Novak isn't on the show. Bob Novak should be drawn and quartered, there's no question about that. The fact that he's allowed to be on television and his articles in print is an abomination. But contrary to what Stewart said, Tucker and Paul do actually hold some politicians' feet to the flames, and they do engage in natural debate. Sure, there's some scripted theatre (English spelling) to the procedure, but I actually think it's one of the better shows on cable television for cutting through the spin. I agree with Stewart in general...I think the media has become a watchdog for Britney's wedding and Kobe's love for the poopshoot instead of doing its duty to the American people on issues that really matter. But I'm just not so sure his fight is with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala. Just my two cents.

--I'm really fuckin' tired.

10 Comments:

At 3:11 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

serious question, can anyone get their hands on a wheel chair, i want it for my halloween costume. too soon??

next stop, hell, shotty fives on top bunk

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

As ChiptoleBob recently said to me, "Relax, Hell is the new Heaven."

Any costume that employs a wheelchair if definitely a good one...you're not going as dead Reeve are ya?

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

As we discussed yesterday, "BLANK is the new BLANK" is just an awesome phrase. You can really use it for anything, as displayed by Ace there. Or as the wise one last night instructed us "Men's shoes in white are the new men's shoes in black." You got that fellas? White shoes...

And Ace- That last one was WAY TOO SOON. It's like Chris Reeve jokes are the new September 11th jokes...

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

throw in a respirator and an old t-shirt with an S in the middle along with that wheelchair and i'll make it worth your while. vintage caminiti jerseys are also welcome

i like that blank is the new blank game, lets see if i have it right... seems like thong showing is the new jeans cuffing

 
At 4:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh ok like Hi I'm in Delaware or something

globe to the ops.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger spicoli said...

what i never understood was the "sexy baby". halloween becomes a mecca for making something inappropriate which i am all for...but, the sexy baby...i don't like it.

 
At 8:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ace, what happened to gypsy?
4-4.

 
At 11:21 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Sadly, Gypsy retired...said her heart wasn't in it, no more. Hopefully she'll contribute to the comments section on Slack though...

Disgusted by the Yanks. More to follow tomorrow.

 
At 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Woah, we had a slutty nurse at our party also...
Girl tripped and ate shit in front of the whole place.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

That's funny stuff right there...Slutty nurses trippin' at everyone's parties.

 

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