Monday, November 29, 2004

Abridged Nothingness

I wrote a gloooriously long and somewhat brilliant post about two hours ago, but for some reason, Blogger sucks big floppy donkey dick and I lost it. Much like Willis McGahee's knee circa New Year's 2003, the Sad, sad stuff. Now I'm busy with some of this, how you say, real work and I can't even remember the topics I wrote about, let alone the punchlines. Sad, sad stuff indeed.

Here's a very quick and very abridged rundown of what I think I might have said (perhaps):

--Peyton Manning, he's good. Eli Manning, not so much. For now, at least. Simply put, Peyton is ludicrous speed right now. Like the "he can't stop, it's too dangerous, he has to slow down first" type of ludicrous speed. This guy is carving up defenses all across this great land, torching a cowardly Lions defense for six touchdowns in less than three quarters on national television (sorry for the awful "Lions" play on words there). But for as good as he's been playing, my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, will tell him, it's all about the rings, nipple or otherwise. If this guy doesn't win some rings before he hangs 'em up, we'll be talking about Peyton's work in the "Cut that meat" commercial instead of his potential "best ever" status. Just ask Dannyboy if people know him more as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time or his work in finding the hidden penis of one Ray Finkel/Lois Einhorn. Oh, and selling fucking gloves. So you better start winning in January, Peyton...and considering he'll likely have to go through Pittsburgh and New England on the road to even make the Super Bowl, I'm guessing it'll have to wait 'til next year.

--Northwestern lost its bowl eligibility this weekend, dropping a wild one in Hawaii on Saturday night. I think NU had a great year, over-achieving big time to finish 6-6 with a winning record in the Big Ten. That's great. But let me put it this way: If the NU defense had a big game against a group of Iraq war double amputees, I'd bet the fucking house on a reverse with the amputees and the over. I only caught the highlights, but the Wildcats on Saturday looked like they were playing a game of "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy" rather than football. And we were clearly wasting our time, we were never gonna catch'em. And kudos to former NU linebackers Barry Gardner and Kevin Bentley, two cogs in the Browns defense that gave up 58 points to the Bengals this weekend (Gardner, however, did set up a Cleveland touchdown with a long interception return, giving his team the lead 48-44).

--The reason I missed the NU game was because we took a trip to Atlantic City for a friend's bachelor party. We stayed at the Borgata, the first time I've been down there since the Vegas-style hotel's recent erection (giggle, snicker, erection, giggle). The hotel itself is super sweet, but it's still Atlantic Fucking City -- there's still gonna be a slew of hilarious mullets, there's still gonna be Jersey trash all over the nightclub and the room's still gonna have a scenic view of...Atlantic Fucking City. But still, a fun time nonetheless, and we all had a great day outside the city, sometimes you just have to get away. Except, of course, my awesome gambling streak is still intact. Since leaving the Mohegan Sun last Christmas up several solid buckaroos, I have yet to return to a casino and walk out with any money. Compare and contrast that with my buddy JG Morgan, who is the Parker Lewis of gambling, despite knowing less about the games than any of my losing friends. Either this kid is man-raping a leprechaun before every trip or he's got the world's largest horseshoe jammed firmly up his bum. Either way, that's a trade-off I'd gladly take to pay for my trips. In fact, I'd even take that rapeable leprechaun just to solve my loneliness.

--Had some other gems about the Jets, a good night's sleep, one friend's decision to take a $400 car service home from AC early for no reason, and much more...but time does not allow and Blogger has yet to apologize for its mistakes. But for one last note, my roommate (The Ambiguously Gay Uno) is in first place in our weekly Pick 'Em Pool, now a whopping 41 games above .500, which is just craisins, and I'm in first place in the auxiliary Best Bets pool at 24-11-1 (pick three a week with spread). Just to let y'all know, our apartment is taking the overall title, we're taking the best bets title, and we're taking this armoire. Then we're throwing a party. You're all invited, although we can only fit about 12 people in the apartment. So yeah, you're all invited.

As for Blogger, I say "Thanks, g'night, fuck you."


At 4:35 PM, Blogger ethan said...

blogger terrifies me with the random erasures. not good times.

peyton is having a fucking sick year. he's got that sort of clever ad at the spa with all the d-fenders, and the hilarious "you're my favorite accountant!" mersh you referenced. he's really taking his professional career to another level.

and apparently he's throwing a td here and there too.

At 7:03 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ethan, you bastard, that comment killed me. After reading your very first sentence, which contained the word "erasure," my head immediately began to repeat "Come to me, cover me, hold me, together we'll break these chains of love...and don't give up, don't give up, [c'mon, Ace, let's hit these high notes] Together with me and my baby break these chains of loooove..." over and over and over. I fuckin' did three jumping spins and a heel kick on the way home from work. So, thanks for that, much appreciated.

Haven't seen the Spa/Peyton mersh, but now you have me intrigued, sir. Henceforth, mine eyes will certainly be peeled for a towel-clad Manning.


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