Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I Miss Dean

Slack's election coverage continues...the first polls officially close in a little more than six hours, and then it's time to sit back on the couch and follow the hilarity on the teevee. Maybe Donnie and Bart Starbux will want to come on over tonight, so the three of us can sit around narrating the entire night in the guises of Keith Jackson, Tim McCarver, Dick Enberg, and hopefully even a special appearance from Michael McDonald ("Lisssssten baaaaby, ain't no vote too high, ain't no Bush too loooow"). Then maybe we'll act like a pubesecent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and ztickas.

I'm feeling very guilty today. Around the time of the primaries, everyone and their mother bought into the horribly crappy myth that Howard Dean wasn't "electable." I even bought that shit. Hook, line, and sinker, like the fuckin' NYPD cops in Die Hard with a Vengeance. He was my guy, he was our guy, he was a guy that energized just about everybody under 35 not already a member of the College Republicans. First it was the rolled up sleeves and the poor presidential presentation, and then, of course, the wheels came right the fuck off after The Scream. And then everybody abandoned ship, including my asshole self, and we're stuck with the douchie Democrat from Beantown, rather than the only "real thing" in the primaries.

But we're all idiots...again, including my fuckface (Billy Ripken) self. Instead of running a real anti-war candidate with more conservative tendencies than people give him credit for, the Democrats are running a candidate with more positions than the Kama Sutra and less conviction than a cranky child. If we were going to run an anti-war candidate, why not run the one that actually believed the war was the wrong decision? If we were going to run an anti-tax cuts for the rich candidate, why not run the one that actually believed those tax cuts were the wrong decision? This election was supposed to be a referendum of the president, and in some ways it still is. But many of the people who disagree with him on the two key issues of this election will vote for him anyway, because the alternative lacks a spine and will say whatever it takes to get elected. And in some ways, their absolutely right.

Bush's approval rating is in the shitter, but for lack of a better option, the election is still as tight as a high school freshman. But Dean was the anti-Bush, not just because he hated the president, but because he disagreed with him. His policies were polar opposites of the president's. And because of that, I am 100 percent firmly convinced that Dean would have run away with this election, earning at least 300 electoral votes in the process. If this election is so close with Kerry in the race, there's no doubt to me that Dean would have crushed the incumbent. What would be the knock? Too liberal? More liberal than Kerry, who was voted the most liberal member of the Senate? Not presidential enough? After the debates we saw how un-presidential the president can be, and he's doing fine. Dean woulda run away with it like the Real McCoy.

So partly because of me, but mostly because of the media's spin machine and the merciless Internets, we're faced with these two choices. Just unreal how the political and media machine works sometimes. And here's the epilogue to the whole surreal episode: The scream that killed Dean wasn't even a loud scream at all...in fact, from video shots taken at the rally, the scream could barely be heard over the raucous crowd. Talk about blown out of proportion. Ah, politics, you suck balls. I'm sorry, Howie D, I'm sorry!

Donnie's up, I hear he voted and he's ready to blooooog on Election Day.


At 1:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i will not stand for this kind of negativity today.

At 1:26 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Ace is right. Bush is crack, but Kerry is still cocaine. Of course, I voted for cocaine. Word to those who haven't voted yet. Jokes about voting early and often do not go over as well as the used to at the polls. I just found out the hard way.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

I will NOT stand for those Welch's grape juice commercials with those impossibly cute kids...little bastards.

At 1:44 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Oh I wasn't being negative about this election...i was merely saying I think we all messed up. I think Kerry's gonna win, but I'd rather have a real candidate, that's all I'm saying.

F grape juice.

At 3:04 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

mmmmmm, crack

well, the poopster chose to use his vote by not voting, hear me out, if i waited in a line for an hour, with people behind me still waiting as i went into the booth, theres about a 100% chance i would have f'd up and voted for W under all that pressure, so, by not voting thats like 1 more vote for kerry, wooooooo i can be political toooo. i hope puff daddy doesnt kill me now

At 7:48 PM, Blogger ahren said...

huge props on the fuckface billy ripken reference... oh to be 12 years old and get that card in a pack again... greatest day of my life.


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