Tuesday, November 16, 2004

What I'm Thinkin' About (Besides Swimming Pools)

Random thoughts today:

--Much like Scotty Smalls, the Jets were killin' me this weekend...not so much because of the loss, but because of the way they lost it. The Jets used the clock so atrociously that it prompted me to write this in my weekly fantasy football newsletter last night: "If I’m the general manager of the Jets, why the fuck wouldn’t I hire a clock management assistant for like, $100,000 a year? I love Herm Edwards, I love his motivation of the players, I love what he’s building in New York. But for chrissakes, the guy has zero idea how to conduct a two-minute drill or operate successfully inside of a minute. Please, Bradway, hire a guy who stands next to him and helps him out, I’m begging you..."

Turns out, the yokes on us. Even though the time management mistakes have not improved since last season, the Jets already have a fucking clock management assistant, I shit you not! Not only that, but the guy's name is Dick Curl (seriously, his name is Dick Curl, take a second and let that sink in). Where the hell was this guy against the Ravens, taking a shit? Banging a horse? Giving a horse some hot lunch? Something, like this article from Jets training camp, tells me that he was standing right next to Herm the whole time: "Edwards, not known for his efficient clock management, has appointed assistant Dick Curl to be his clock manager. Curl will stand near Edwards on the sideline." I'm totally confused. This guy is Herm's personal clock manager, he stands right besides him when it counts, and they still royally botched the last minute of that game?! How does this guy get paid after a performance like that? I'd say that someone cannot possibly be so bad at their job and get away with it, but then again, Tuesday, November 2nd was just two short weeks ago.

-- Kordell Stewart punted five times this week for the Ravens, and he was pretty effective. I don’t know what’s crazier, that Kordell Stewart is a back-up punter these days or that he was pretty effective at it. I miss the days when Slash was running all over the field, passing, receiving, picking up male hookers at 5 am, you know, the good old days.

--The Chicago Bears are incredible. Craig Krenzel is arguably the worst starting quarterback in the history of the NFL, for real, and yet the Bears are 3-0 under his leadership. I can’t make any sense of this. But with dat Urlacher guy down and out for a while, I'd bet against the Bears in every game for the rest of the season.

--Terrell Owens' celebration dances are awesome. I’m a purist sometimes, but this guy is just too funny not to laugh at. Ice-skating, standing on the little end-zone mini-star on Monday Night Football, I mean, it doesn’t get better than that. We need more of that.

--Joey Porter and William Green fighting before the Steelers/Browns game is a good thing, a very good thing (every time I think of the phrase "good thing," I think of the Fine Young Cannibals, and then I think of Damon Wayans' impersonation of FYC on In Living Color -- anyone else?). I don't wanna go off on a rant here, but what's wrong with a little pregame fight routine? I love pre-game fights, there’s really nothing like it. That’s a good sign, it means your guys are psyched up enough already that they’re itching to get a piece of the other dudes before the coin is even flipped. Like TO's celebrations, we need more of this, too. I hate confrontation and violence in my own personal life, but I love to see it in others. Teams that hate each other, like the Yankees and Sawx, the whole thing adds a little bingo to the rivalry if there's a chance of a good pregame fight (or one during the contest).

My favorite example of this actually comes from...um, hockey. Remember hockey? Everyone who has ever loved the Broadway Blueshirts has to love Tie Domi. The guy was as tall as James Madison, with Dolly's teeth, but he took on every team's biggest fighter from the rest of the league. I remember vividly in 1992 when the 22-year-old Domi challenged reigning league enforcer Bob Probert (a guy so mean he would punch your wife in the tits if given the chance, and maybe that's because his parents named him Robert Probert) to a fight immediately following a face-off. Despite giving up six inches, Domi ripped Probert's jersey straight over his head and pounded his face without so much as a hint of stopping. When the fight broke up, Probert was bloodied, and Domi skated off the face strapping an imaginary heavyweight belt around his waist. From that moment on, he was a Ranger, and a favorite at that.

Here's the point: A few months later, the Red Wings came to the Garden for a game and you could feel the intensity. Even though my memory is shit and this was more than a decade ago, I remember as clear as day that tickets were going for playoff prices -- this was the toughest ticket in town, people were paying $500, $600 whatever it took to get into MSG for the rematch. Everyone wanted a piece of this game, a random game that all of a sudden became a can't miss event because everyone knew Domi and Probert would tangle like Racki and Youngblood. Before the game, chants of "Do-mi, Do-mi, Do-mi" flooded the world's most famous arena, and the atmosphere was incredible. There were no playoff implications and no division rivalry, but the fans knew both sides were charged up about this little meeting and they knew that there was gonna be a first-class rumble like the Socs and the Greasers. And while there wasn't a pregame fight, fans got their wish just 37 seconds into the game, when the boys dropped their gloves. There was some dancing, and about 10 seconds elapsed before the fight began in earnest, when sadly, Probert got the upper hand. Haymakers were flying, but Domi was receiving much of the free dental work this time. A bloodied Domi stood up after the fight, dusted himself off and just smiled. He sparked his home crowd, he sparked his own team and everyone went home happy. Even Domi, he knew what he had done.

Obviously fighting is legal in hockey and not so much in football, but I think the point is simple: When the teams or individual players have a "thing" hanging in the air, when there's some genuine hatred or comments that need to be defended, the game just seems more important. Especially in this current state of NFL mediocrity, and in a time when both teams pray together after every game, I wouldn't mind seeing more shennanigans before and during the match-ups. Couldn't hurt. Like I said, we need more of this.

--And after the fighting, let's all make up and go get a Monster Thickburger from Hardee's. Sounds fucking awesome.


At 1:25 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

i am all for pre game donnybrooks, however, let me just say, i think being spat on is probably the worst and most degrading thing one human can do to another, take a hot carl over my face, drop the cosby kids off on it, just dont hock a lugey on me

At 2:11 PM, Blogger ahren said...

what's this "hockey" you speak of?

At 2:14 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I don't condone spitting, poophop, never have and never will. Fight fair, fight nice -- that's my slogan.

Hockey, it's that sport with the things. Good times.

At 3:06 PM, Blogger ethan said...

ever seen the hardee's commercial with a hot cowgirl riding one of those mechanical bulls while eating the most enormous burger ever with ketchup/bbq dripping all over her hand while 80's rock plays in the background?

two words: simple (and) elegant. my hat goes off to the 'dee's marketing department.

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Can't say that I have, Ethan, can't say that I have. But that does sound both simple and elegant. Also sounds like a potential Cleo Award winner...

There's no better commercial in the history of teevee better than the Nextel mersh right now. The dudes dancing in office while the other guy plays the radio. Unreal. Un-fucking-real.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger ethan said...

yeah methinks hardee's is more of a midwest thing. but because i think you need to see this:


in my search for it, i stumbled upon a lot of complaints about this mersh. people saying they weren't eating at hardee's anymore, blah blah blah. because, you know, you should obviously be disgusted at the girl/bull but NOT the 1400-cal burger...

and yes, the nextel spot is awesome. i need to get a job as a nerdy office guy dancing to a boom box. well, at least one that pays.

At 5:10 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Wow, it's a nice! She is smokin'. And way to point out the hypocrisy, Ethan, I'm with ya full tilt.

At 7:48 PM, Blogger ahren said...

speaking of swimming pools and dripping hot chicks... that chick in the movie "swimming pool" is hot... not the old one.

At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does anybody have footage or a link to the fight at the Vibe Awards the other night?

At 9:21 AM, Blogger ethan said...

lem, is swimming pool a good flik? we saw coffee and cigarettes the other nite and found it generally unimpressive. good concept but other than the wu-murray scene it wasn't special.

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

No link to the Vibe fight, sorry...it was on CNN all day yesterday, maybe they have it on their web site somewhere.

I've also heard Coffee and Cigs had a great concept but fell short. Swimming Pool -- what's this? Is this some fancypants foreign film I've never heard of?

At 12:53 PM, Blogger ahren said...

swimming pool is ok as a movie. but the girl in it is hot and slutty, so it's worth seeing, although you married-types will have to sit there and pretend that the naked chick isn't the reason your watching, so it might not be that enjoyable because of that.


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