Saturday, December 11, 2004

Fourth Quarter of the Last Crusade

1st and goal from the 9 yard line. 47 seconds left on the game clock. Arkies trail 26-20 in this epic battle.

Jones drops back to pass, he spots Brody over the middle. Complete at the 6, he's got a block via a punch through the newspaper from Sallah at the 5, but, OH NO! Nazi-Agent tricks Brody into looking for the museum of antiquities. He's fumbled into the back of a truck made to look like a bazaar stall. It's the worst-case scenario for the Arkies.

Now, with the ball on their own 4 yard line, the Nazis look primed to run out the clock.

But wait, looks like they've decided to show the Arkies how "ve say goodbye in Germany." Nazi Commander Vogel drops back to pass and it's complete down the right sideline to Despotic Tank Commander. But wait, he's been shot in the eye from a ricocheted bullet. It's a fight for control. There's a pile-up. And it's unbelievable. Old Henry Jones squirts ink in the eye of another Nazi Soldier and claims the football. The Arkies have new life with 34 seconds remaining. What a terrible blunder by the Nazis. Perhaps they should have consulted their playbook instead of burning it.

First and 10 at the Nazi 26-yard line. Jones takes it on the bootleg. And what's this? Old Henry Jones is clearing a path through the Nazi Blitz by opening his umbrella, quoting Longfellow, and scaring birds into the path of the oncoming defenders. It's an 8-yard pick up for Jones.

Second and 2 at the Nazi 18. Jones takes, keeps and dives over the line for the -- oh, no. He's been hit by Nazi Commander Vogel and the two have tumbled over a gigantic cliff out of nowhere. It's a mess down there. Old Henry Jones looks despondant. But wait, Brody is signalling. The Arkies still have it. Jones is OK! We thought we'd lost him, boy. Unfortunately, Nazi Commander Vogel seems to have gotten the worst of it.

Third and 1 at the Nazi 17. Jones pitches to Old Henry Jones. The Nazi pursuit is all over him but, OH MY! A crushing block from Armenian Guy who protects the grail with a weird-cross tattoo on his chest springs Old Jones loose. First down Arkies at the Nazi 12. What a block! And to think, he was nearly killed with Armenian Olin and Armenian Crews back in Venice.

Old Jones splits out wide left. Sallah wide right. Jones back to throw. Complete to Old Jones at the 6, cuts back at the 5, he's lunging and, oh MY!. He's shot in the abdomen by covert Nazi Walter Donovan. It looks painful. He's being carted to the sideline where he's laid to rest on a stone floor. His old man skin is pale in the eerie cave-light. Jones is going to have to go the rest of the way without his father now.

Can he do it?

Jones drops back at the 5. Rolling right. Looking, looking. And here comes a blade up out of the ground, Jones dodges it. Another comes out of the sideline. He dodges it again! Oh...what penitence by Jones! He steps out of bounds at the 4. A smart play.

12 seconds left. 2nd and goal at the 4. Arkies lining up in the "J" formation. Jones comes to the line. But wait, the ground beneath his offensive linemen begins to crumble. He calls time. He's thinking it over now. Realizes, he needs the I-formation. In the 4th quarter, the spread offense begins with an "I". Crisis averted.

Still 2nd and goal and Jones comes to the line. Gut-check time. Jones takes. It's a draw, he steps forward with a sudden faith in the lord that he never had before and lands on a stone bridge that he should have seen but it blended into the background. He's through before being brought down at the 1. Arkies call time.

1st and goal at the 1. 5 seconds left. Jones barks out signals. He drops back. Fires. And it's intercepted by Walter Donovan in the back of the end zone. Donovan is taking it back the other way. He's got a clear path to the endzone. Oh no! What a horrible way for this to end. But wait. The 900-year old official has thrown a flag. Let's get the call...

"Illegal cupping, number 1 on the Nazis. He chose poorly. Half the distance to the goal. First down."

The Arkies have new life. Donovan is devastated. And he's aging at an incredible pace and becomes a skeleton before being smashed into a pile of bones against the wall. Incredible!

Time has expired but on the Nazi penalty, the Arkies have one last play. Jones takes the snap. He starts off left, then moves back to the right, he's clearly scrambling. He finally sees his opening: the shabby, modest and moralistic opening of a carpenter. He goes for it. Drinks. TOUCHDOWN!!! The official raises his decrepid hands and signals: "He chose wisely!!!" Pandemonium. Tie score, 26-26.

Now for the extra point. Old Henry Jones, revived by the everlasting touchdown, will come on to hold. But an earthquake ruins the field. Dr. Elsa Schneider wants to go for two. Jones won't hear of it. He demands her other hand but she slips into a giant cravasse. Somehow convinced by the late Dr. Schneider, now Jones wants to go for two. But it's Old Henry who is the voice of reason on the sideline. "Indiana," he says. "Let it go." Jones does. Snap, spot, kick is up it issssssssss...Good! Arkies win, 27-26! It's pandemonium as the stadium crumbles to the ground. Oh man, the official is slammed on the head by a falling pillar with a lion on it.

But the Arkies are OK. Brody says he knows the way to the Super Bowl in Jacksonville. He takes off at a demented pace, clearly not in control of this team. Sallah laughs and the Arkies live to see tomorrow.


At 7:09 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

brilliant donnie!! could only have been topped had keith jackson been calling the game

At 11:17 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, but this Dick Enberg rendition does the trick...


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