Monday, December 06, 2004

Wedding Jets Cal Urban Cheesy Holmes, Et Al

As previously declared on Friday, I love weddings. No matter what, they're always a good time. Always. Even if your mother is there, she gets wasted, does shots with your friends and subsequently hits on some of them, they're still a good time. Even if you're already a bit tipsy, go outside to get ridiculously baked with a couple of random kids, one of which was just hit on by your mother, then come inside and your wasted mother is right there with some friendly conversation before you can hit up either gum or eyedrops, they're still a good time. As long as there's a little cart parked on the side of the dance floor, with a Jager Luge of sorts and many bottles of horribly flavored vodka, everything's gonna be just fine. I mean, you know it's a good time when you have to look your father in the eye and make sure he's okay to drive. "Are you cool, Dad?" If he answered, "Like, how?" I would've just started a slow clap and cried tears of joy.

Here's the only story worth re-telling in this here space, though: It's about 7:45, the wedding's scheduled to commence in about 15 minutes or so. I'm standing with my pops and a few friends when this family walks in, a couple from the neighborhood and three kids around my age. Good people. Standing near us, by the way, is the bride's 85-year-old grandmother, who just got finished saying how all the dresses were being cut for the younger audience. Anyway, the daughter of this incoming couple walks in, and immediately turns a shade of red my buttocks turn after a good shpanking. She's wearing the same exact dress as the bride's grandmother, and now they're standing right next to each other. Nervous laughter ensues from most, outright hysterics from me. What's worse though, and this is saying something, the grandmother actually looked much, much better...I'd have taken a hummer from the octagenarian over the college coed any day of the week and four times on Wednesday. I gave an audible "awwwwkward" and sauntered away.

After Saturday's festivities, I was hungover like balls yesterday. Thank goodness for football in December, an excuse for men everywhere to never leave the couch. And after a first half in which I got up to dry heave a few times -- the Ambiguously Gay Uno reportedly reversed the path of Peristalsis Trail several times in his lady friend's bathroom -- the Jets went to halftime of a really-need-to-win game down by a point, but it could have been worse (our noses could have been gushing blood). The Return of Chad Sexington was going okay, but we needed touchdowns, baby, not field goals. It was clear something would have to give in the second half. Hackett would have to open it up or something...

But while the offense did put some points on the board, it was the Jets defense that continued to step up and provid the spark they've grown to provide week in and week out. In the 23-0 second half at the Meadowlands, the Jets defense looked like a force that could give other teams' offenses trouble come January. This was the sixth game this season in which the Jets defense hadn't allowed a second half point, the SIXTH!, which to me indicates that new D-Coordinator Donnie Henderson is making better adjustments than Oprah's tailor (zzzzing!). I've been a fan all year of the new look D, they're fast and agile, they tackle well, they adjust very well, they have great instincts on the field, and most of all, they have completely bought into what the coaching staff is selling. Sound familiar? We've stolen the Gaytriots' recipe for success...hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? I'll take it. Bring on the Steelers, bring on the Pats, let's get the offense straightened out and let's continue on the road to the Super Bowl. Incidentally, I saw a stat yesterday that in Chad Sexington's career, he's thrown 35 touchdowns in the red zone as opposed to zero interceptions. Say what you will about Chad, but that is sickening. Welcome back, kid.

In other football news, whoooooa boy did the Cal Bears get screwed. I mean, as pissed as Auburn has to be right now, I think Cal might have an even bigger gripe. Hey, at least Auburn is getting the $14 million check or whatever the BCS pays. Cal went from the fourth-best team in the nation with only one loss to playing on December 30th in the Holiday Bowl versus the 7-4 Texas Tech Red Raiders. Yikes. See, to me, this is an outrage, and I'm more pissed about this than the national championship fiasco.

ESPN Daily Quickie writer Dan Shanoff, a guy who I actually like, said this: "Sure, they were aced out of the Rose Bowl by Texas, but no sympathy: It had a chance to beat USC and get to the Orange Bowl and fell short." Eh, that's bullshit, Danny. First of all, they had the same 10-1 record as Texas, and probably looked better in its victories than the Longhorns. But more importantly, and speaking to Shanoff's point, in that USC-Cal game early in the season, Aaron Rodgers threw a 20-yard pass on 3rd down to the endzone with not much time left that went right through his receiver's hands. It was a contested play, but it could have been caught. A completion would have given Cal the victory and perhaps an undefeated season, even knocking USC out of the title hunt. But I guess by losing 23-17 to the nation's top team, Cal simply fell short and deserves to be left out of the BCS altogether in favor of 10-2 Virginia Tech and 8-3 Pittsburgh, which is ranked 21st in the final standings. This sytem doesn't need work, it needs to be fucked up beyond all recognition. FUBAR the BCS, I say.

Best point I've heard on the Notre Dame situation, on how the pundits are saying ND's program is dunzo after losing Urban Meyer: Greeney of the Mike and Mike show on ESPN Radio put everyone in their place, saying it's a bloody joke that people are calling for the downfall of college football's grandest tradition all because a coach with only four years of head coaching experience that most avid fans couldn't even pick out of a lineup picked another school over ND. And he's right. If his name isn't "Urban" and the media weren't so little guy crazy, there's no way this is blown so far out of proportion. Good point by one of my favorite dudes...And also, Urban Meyer's got nothing on Urban Shocker.

The BBC polled viewers as to what are the cheesiest lines in movie history -- most of 'em make sense that they're on this list. But #2 "Nobody puts baby in the corner" should probably be #1, even if it is one of the greatest lines ever uttered in cinema. Check out the full list here.

And caution at work, but this must be checked out immediately...please verify the authenticity of this Katie Holmes flashing her breasts moment. Is it her? I say yes.

11 Comments:

At 1:44 PM, Blogger ahren said...

re: jets-- i'll have one order of crow, medium rare please

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ahren, at least you're man enough to place that order...I've been leading this Jets ruckus all year, and I'm gonna get some fucking people on this bandwagon. Much like the NBA, our defense is fannnnntastic.

Oh, and your picks...another mediocre week. The trick is, stop posting them in public and you'll do better -- that's how I started getting hot this season.

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

So that's why you like the movie Harold & Maude. Hey whatever floats your boat man.

I cannot speak to the authenticity of this clip, but Katie Holmes flashes her boobies for sure in the movie The Gift.

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger stephie said...

Ace, I agree Cal got royally screwed. I mean really? What the fuck? And Auburn is playing Virginia Tech? Are they serious? But you know I'm a happy little camper that my Sooners are going to the Orange Bowl! I ain't gonna jinx it but I think I know who's gonna win!!! Oh, yeah, baby!!! Bring it on!

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Even if we've already seen Katie's boobs, there's something about amateurly taped boobs that makes it a must-see. Ya know?

Enjoy it in OK, Stephie...you guys better win this one, or it'll be two straight years you could have been left out, got put in the title game, and LOST. So, win it or be the odd man out in the years ahead.

As for Cal, I just saw this stat: They were the only school in the nation's top six both in scoring offense and scoring defense. And again, they're playing Texas Fucking Tech on December 30th. Unreal.

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger stephie said...

If they don't win this one I swear I will never again get my hopes up for the Sooners ever ever ever again!!! Yeah, right... But for the last two years they have let their fans down by losing in games they should have easily won. This year I don't think Stoops will allow that to happen. They've been going balls to the wall all season and I don't think that Jan 4th will be any different. As I said, I don't want to jinx it because it seems like every time I want them to win so badly that I project the outcome beforehand, they fuck it up. I'll just hope and pray they mop the field with USC and prove they deserve to be #1. And you can be sure I will enjoy that!

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

joey potter would never, EVER, do something that audacious (quadruple words score)

"i dont wanna wait for my trapper keeper, scooby doooby doooo"

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger Bill said...

Definitely not a legit Katie Holmes. In the interest of accuracy, I studied this video several hundred times to compare the camcorder Katie with the for-really real nude Katie seen in the film "The Gift." One can clearly delineate (am I using that word right here?) the difference between the camcorder Katie and the movie Katie. The size is about the same, and the camcorder Katie even reflects the discrepancy in size between right and left. But the telltale sign that it's a fake?: Nipple size. The nipples are much smaller in this video than in the film.

I bring this fact up strictly to settle the matter. I derived no enjoyment from it. I derived only a little enjoyment from it.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Well, thanks Bill, you've done us all a great service...

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

Vanilla Ice's "Drop that zero and get with the hero" from whatever the fuck that movie he was in should be #1, but I'm sure not enough people saw it to even think of it.

 
At 10:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

it was "Cool As Ice", and Michael Gross of "Family Ties" fame was the uptight father that just couldn't handle ol' Vanilla taking away his little girl.... I guess I'd be a little disappointed if my daughter brought home Vanilla Ice too... were all the New Kids on The Block taken or what?

 

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