Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Favre or Ripken?

Sources tell me that instead of another Desperate Housewives promo before this week's Monday Night Football game, ABC was planning to have the entire media, clad only in towels, kneel before Brett Fav-ruh and collectively suck him off to completion. That really wouldn't be all that groundbreaking, though, as it happens every single Sunday or Monday.

People hate how the media gush over Favre's game...I, on the other hand, adore it. I don't think you can say enough about Brett Favre. I'd watch an all-Favre network on satellite television -- well, if I had satellite television, and if satellite television actually had an all-Favre network. To me, this guy is the epitome of a football player, a classy guy who compliments his awesome play on the field with that boyish "I can't believe I get paid to do this" quality. His receivers step up and make big catches for him. His running backs step up for him. And he's even got a great American story: Married his high school floozy, fought through a painkiller addiction, played through emotional torture on national television after his father's sudden death, continues to take the field while supporting his wife through breast cancer. Great stuff, great Favre.

But last night was a bit much, even for my Favre-sucky-sucky standards. Favre started his 200th consecutive game, a pretty arbitrary number considering the season is played in 16-game intervals. It's not like he passed #1 on the list last night; that, he did about five years ago when he started his 117th game and passed my favorite ESPN football analyst Ron Jaworski. This is the equivalent of ESPN scheduling a national television broadcast for Cal Ripken's 2,500th consecutive game, a number that means next to nothing.

But here's the real question: Which streak is more impressive, Cal Ripken Jr.'s 2,632 consecutive game streak or Brett Favre's 200 games? A clear case can really be made for both, and both of these streaks certainly deserve to be praised to the fullest extent. The raw numbers alone point to Ripken, as his streak involved 2,400 more games and was four years longer than Favre's (although the latter is still ongoing, of course). But football is obviously a much more brutal sport, with Favre taking bone-crushing hits from 300-pound dudes on a regular basis. Favre, though, had the help of painkillers, while Ripken was never proven to take anything. But Ripken MAY have had the help of a grand conspiracy to cancel an Orioles game after he beat up Kevin Costner for sleeping with his wife, which is one of my favorite conspiracy theories ever.

There are countless other ways to look at it, and some make sense, some don't hold water at all (does the defense's case hold watah? Noooo. The defenssse is wrawwwng). How many guys play a full 162-game major league season? Not many. How many play a full 16-game NFL season, though? Plenty. Advantage: Ripken. But you could also argue that Ripken playing all those games without a rest hurt his team and his own body, and Favre was more valuable to his team when he played hurt than Ripken was. Advantage: Favre. And so it goes...

I don't know which guy's streak is more impressive to me, I really don't. I'm a baseball freak first and foremost, so I'd probably argue for Ripken just out of party loyalty. But you cannot overlook a QUARTERBACK who plays that many straight games, it's almost inconceivable. Perhaps the only thing that puts me firmly in Ripken's camp is that nobody, no-fucking-body, will break Ripken's streak, and nobody's even close. But if Favre's streak stops soon, and Peyton Manning continues his for another six or seven years, we've got a new undisputed heavyweight champion of gluttony for punishment. So I guess I'll say my vote's for Cal...

Weigh in with your comments below, who's streak do you think is a better achievement? Sound off...

Monday, November 29, 2004

Abridged Nothingness

I wrote a gloooriously long and somewhat brilliant post about two hours ago, but for some reason, Blogger sucks big floppy donkey dick and I lost it. Much like Willis McGahee's knee circa New Year's 2003, the post...is...gone. Sad, sad stuff. Now I'm busy with some of this, how you say, real work and I can't even remember the topics I wrote about, let alone the punchlines. Sad, sad stuff indeed.

Here's a very quick and very abridged rundown of what I think I might have said (perhaps):

--Peyton Manning, he's good. Eli Manning, not so much. For now, at least. Simply put, Peyton is ludicrous speed right now. Like the "he can't stop, it's too dangerous, he has to slow down first" type of ludicrous speed. This guy is carving up defenses all across this great land, torching a cowardly Lions defense for six touchdowns in less than three quarters on national television (sorry for the awful "Lions" play on words there). But for as good as he's been playing, my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, will tell him, it's all about the rings, nipple or otherwise. If this guy doesn't win some rings before he hangs 'em up, we'll be talking about Peyton's work in the "Cut that meat" commercial instead of his potential "best ever" status. Just ask Dannyboy if people know him more as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time or his work in finding the hidden penis of one Ray Finkel/Lois Einhorn. Oh, and selling fucking gloves. So you better start winning in January, Peyton...and considering he'll likely have to go through Pittsburgh and New England on the road to even make the Super Bowl, I'm guessing it'll have to wait 'til next year.

--Northwestern lost its bowl eligibility this weekend, dropping a wild one in Hawaii on Saturday night. I think NU had a great year, over-achieving big time to finish 6-6 with a winning record in the Big Ten. That's great. But let me put it this way: If the NU defense had a big game against a group of Iraq war double amputees, I'd bet the fucking house on a reverse with the amputees and the over. I only caught the highlights, but the Wildcats on Saturday looked like they were playing a game of "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy" rather than football. And we were clearly wasting our time, we were never gonna catch'em. And kudos to former NU linebackers Barry Gardner and Kevin Bentley, two cogs in the Browns defense that gave up 58 points to the Bengals this weekend (Gardner, however, did set up a Cleveland touchdown with a long interception return, giving his team the lead 48-44).

--The reason I missed the NU game was because we took a trip to Atlantic City for a friend's bachelor party. We stayed at the Borgata, the first time I've been down there since the Vegas-style hotel's recent erection (giggle, snicker, erection, giggle). The hotel itself is super sweet, but it's still Atlantic Fucking City -- there's still gonna be a slew of hilarious mullets, there's still gonna be Jersey trash all over the nightclub and the room's still gonna have a scenic view of...Atlantic Fucking City. But still, a fun time nonetheless, and we all had a great day outside the city, sometimes you just have to get away. Except, of course, my awesome gambling streak is still intact. Since leaving the Mohegan Sun last Christmas up several solid buckaroos, I have yet to return to a casino and walk out with any money. Compare and contrast that with my buddy JG Morgan, who is the Parker Lewis of gambling, despite knowing less about the games than any of my losing friends. Either this kid is man-raping a leprechaun before every trip or he's got the world's largest horseshoe jammed firmly up his bum. Either way, that's a trade-off I'd gladly take to pay for my trips. In fact, I'd even take that rapeable leprechaun just to solve my loneliness.

--Had some other gems about the Jets, a good night's sleep, one friend's decision to take a $400 car service home from AC early for no reason, and much more...but time does not allow and Blogger has yet to apologize for its mistakes. But for one last note, my roommate (The Ambiguously Gay Uno) is in first place in our weekly Pick 'Em Pool, now a whopping 41 games above .500, which is just craisins, and I'm in first place in the auxiliary Best Bets pool at 24-11-1 (pick three a week with spread). Just to let y'all know, our apartment is taking the overall title, we're taking the best bets title, and we're taking this armoire. Then we're throwing a party. You're all invited, although we can only fit about 12 people in the apartment. So yeah, you're all invited.

As for Blogger, I say "Thanks, g'night, fuck you."

Some Housekeeping

G'mornin' folks...lovely day, ain't it? Ah, eat shit.

We'll have a new post up in a little while, but I just wanted to take care of two quick housekeeping measures:

1. I want to wish my sister-in-law, who may or may not read this site today, a very happy birthday. So, Happy Happy to you, Sis Cowboy.

2. The very same sister-in-law in question forwarded me a new site for the "links" section: The IJC (stands for the Interchangeable Jappy Chick, what a concept). The anonymous site grew out of a pretty funny Craigslist post from a year ago...and a quick disclaimer, I don't endorse hating girls based on their religion, I endorse hating all people based on their religion, especially the Jews. Anyway, here's the CL post that started this kid's site:

"this was originally published on craigslist in september 2003

...i've got a few things i'd like to get off my chest:

1. frozen yogurt is not one of the basic food groups. it might be low fat, but it still has like 10 calories per oz., which means the 32 oz. medium you are diving into has around 320 calories. while we're on the topic, going straight to tasti-d-lite on your way home from the gym probably explains why your ass is big.

2. it's not normal to live in new york city, have your own apartment without a roommate, eat out every night and have multiple $300 handbags when you earn under $20k per year. that salary would technically qualify you as living below the poverty line. i've got an idea: stop taking your dad's $$, move to hoboken or queens, share a small apartment, stop going to saks every day after work, and start saving some money and taking responsiblity for your life.

3. is it possible to walk down the street and not talk on your cell phone? you're yapping away, completely oblivious to what's going on around you, waving your arms and gesturing wildly, talking loud enough so that anyone within a 10 foot radius can hear every word of your conversation about how you saw Ed Norton at some club last nite. nobody cares. put your phone away and pay attention to where you're going. i'm not going to grab you next time you're about to step in front of a bus.

4. if a guy takes you to dinner, whether or not you like him, the least you can do is say "thank you." also, at dinner please be prepared to talk about something other than the story about Justin Timberlake you just read in US Weekly, or the episode of the Bachelor you watched last night. Try reading the NYTimes (other than Sunday Styles)--you might just learn something.

5. wearing your "good jeans" is not getting dressed up.

6. no one is buying the fake tan.

7. sex and the city is over. cari is too old, miranda was never good looking, and we've all seen samantha's boobs one too many times.

8. try smiling on occasion.

9. the reason you're still single is because you are too picky and have outrageous expectations. all the men who are rich, over 6 foot tall, very good looking, who are either pro athletes or doctors have been taken. i've got bad news for you: women outnumber men in this city. that guy who you blew off last nite because you thought he was a not wearing the right jeans, he is probably wildly successful and will treat you like a princess.

this is just my advice and you can take it or leave it, but those of you out there in murray hill, who know who you are and it might be worth paying attention."

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Dance, Girl, Dance

If the media's gonna spend all this time discussing and re-hashing the other night's basketbrawl, at least it should give equal time to stories like this...Get a camera crew down to this kid's home immediately, I say:

"A 13-year old Virginia Beach boy is being held at the Virginia Beach Detention Center after police say he abducted an exotic dancer last Tuesday night.

According to officials, the dancer showed up at a pre-arranged appointment at a residence - subsequently discovered to be vacant - in the 700 block of South Rosemont Road around 6:30pm.

The woman noticed the client was a juvenile, but was told that the contract was for his older brother. Police say the woman waited for a while, but no one else showed up.

Authorities say when the woman eventually tried to leave the residence, she was stopped by the juvenile who pointed a shotgun at her and ordered her to dance.

The dancer diverted the boy's attention and tried to dial 911 on her cell phone. According to police, the juvenile then grabbed the phone. During the struggle, the woman bit the boy's hand and was able to break free and run to her car.

Police say their investigation identified the suspect, and also led them to believe that another juvenile was involved in the plan to abduct the dancer. Investigators are working on identifying the second suspect.

The initial 13-year old suspect was arrested Thursday. He is charged with abduction by force, conspiracy, use of a firearm in the commission of a felony, brandishing a firearm, and transporting and possessing an assault firearm at age 13."

Wait, hang on, "transporting and possessing an assault firearm at age 13" is a real criminal charge? Do they have one for each age or what? Just seems like a weird charge, no? Anyway, here's some monkey lovin'...

Monday, November 22, 2004

Gene Parmesan!

Ahhhhh! He got me again! Ahhhhh!

I can't wait to go home and re-watch last night's Arrested Development. I said it this morning, but if you're not watching that show, you're a Grade-A maroon. Set your TiVos now.

G'Morning, Bitches

Apparently there was some kind of fight this weekend. Not sure, but I think so. A few people are talking about it, but in a really low-key manner, nothing too grand. Psyyyyche.

Ron Artest is a Santa Claus of sorts, giving an early Christmas gift to the scores of ESPN anchors, cable and local news anchors and reporters, talk radio hosts, shoe-shine guys, sports reporters, bloggers, John Saunders, the three remaining straight haircutters on the planet, and other media types. Artest, who I accurately dubbed the new Tyson after last week's rap album shennanigans, is now the main star in The Story That Just Won't Die, and now all these folks have something to talk about for the next two weeks without mercy. No mercy. Sweep the leg.

I just want to make two quick points and then move on:

1. Why did Ben Wallace get a six-game suspension? You could make the argument that he started the whole thing, but not really...he started what happened on the court. If Artest doesn't make it into the crowd, Wallace gets something like a $10,000 fine and maybe, just maybe, a one-game suspension. Why does that change because of the inappropriate actions of a Rodmanian hothead? I don't get it, I really don't.

2. More importantly, is anyone truly surprised by this whole thing? I mean, shocked, sure. Appalled, no doubt. But surprised? It was only a matter of time this whole NBA thing blew up. And it was also about time before the fans of any sport got wildly out of control like this. It's just that the NBA has the easiest access to the court. There have been fights in the stands at more than half the games I've been to in my life -- football, baseball, basketball and especially hockey...the only real difference here is that the players got involved in the fracas. This is a black mark, this is virtually unprecendented, but this is not surprising to me in the least.

And that's all I'm gonna say about the subject. Well, one more thing: Jermaine O'Neal cold-clocking that guy? Unreal. Un-fucking-real. Watching that in slo-mo is gold, Jerry, it's gold. OK, now I'm done. Any more from me is just overkill. Heh, Overkill, great song, especially the acoustic version that Men At Work frontman Colin Hay played on the Scrubs season premiere last year. Download that shit, it's good.

One last note this morning...if you didn't see Arrested Development last night, we gotta talk, for serious. This show is as entertaining as it gets. I may have Scrubs and AD fight to the death, winner gets all my laughs. I like that idea. I'm-a gonna get that going.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Question of the Day

I walked into work this morning and saw that a Texas radio host is launching an offensive to ensure we don't change the Constitution to allow Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for president. And that's the first time it really hit me...

Are we seriously thinking about changing the fucking Constitution so Detective John Kimble can be the President of the United States? Wait, we're planning to re-write the oldest rules in the book so that Col. John Matrix can lead our country? Is that for real? Really?

I'm speechless. I am without speech. I'd heard about this pro-Arnold movement for some time, but this is the first time it sank in. Hilarious. Only in America.

And here's a follow-up on a story from earlier this week, the Jets getting on their knees and blowing the game as time ran out. And yes, clock management assistant Dick Curl is mentioned. Dick Curl, doesn't get old. The article also mentions LaMont Jordan's ill-fated, ill-conceived, You Be Illin' halfback option, the one he threw for no reason and cost the Jets the game...

Big game this weekend for the Jets -- if they lose, there will be nothing but hell to pay.

Quickie Funnie

Here's a great little story...Zee Germans love street cred:

DETROIT (Reuters) - The head of DaimlerChrysler's Chrysler division borrowed a phrase from rapper Snoop Dogg on Thursday to thank Motor Trend magazine for naming the Chrysler 300 its 2005 "car of the year."

"Winning the Motor Trend Car of the Year award is huge for us," said Dieter Zetsche, Chrysler's president and chief executive.

"As Snoop Dogg would say, it's the shizzle," he added.

Shizzle is urban slang that can have many different meanings, according to Snoop Dogg himself. But it is mostly used in the phrase "fo' shizzle," as in "for real" or "for sure."

Zetsche's reference to Snoop Dogg, in his German-accented English, was not gratuitous. The Los Angeles rapper is a big fan of the 3OO, which has a large chrome grill and low-slung roof. He grabbed headlines in Detroit last May after he left a voicemail message for Zetsche demanding to know how he could get his hands on the hot-selling sedan.

Click here for the rest.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The Return of D-I-Y Day

*Breaking News Update* 10:05 ET

A second case of mad-cow disease may have been found in the United States, the Agriculture Department told the Associated Press Thursday morning.

Information is INCONCLUSIVE though, so nobody freak out. Seriously, they really don't know yet what the deal is. Just puttin' it out there to incite some panic, no big deal.

I got nuthin' right now...drawing a total blank here. I'm busy, I'm annoyed, a bit nauseous too. Basically, it's not a good time to be the Ace Cowboy. Here's all I got:

I fucking knew we'd be talking about this MNF intro debacle for days. We all knew it. It's amazing, the media just doesn't let the frivolity die anymore, but the serious issues so easily fade into what Mike Tyson calls "bolivian." What a yoke, really. We talk about Janet J's nubian nips nonstop for months and Scotty P's fishing alibi every day for a year, we discuss Michael Jackson's court troubles and R. Kelly's urinary excitement all the time. And we never let this stuff die. But anything real and important gets quietly shuffled to the back of the paper and off the radar faster than you can say WMDs, CIA leak, Joe Wilson, Richard Clarke, missing explosives and the case for war. ESPN, CNN, FOX News, all these 24-hour non-stop cable sports and news channels just don't have enough programmiing to fill the void, and they harp on all the shit that should be swept away. It's gross. The fact that CNN is still talking about the MNF intro this morning, three days later (when they should have ignored it all together), is a sign that this network eats my shorts. Give it up, asshats.

Perhaps these stories don't die because some non-Billy Ripken fuckfaces continue to weigh in with their horrible opinions. Yesterday, Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy found the MNF intro racially offensive. Racially offensive! I can't get over that, racially offensive!

"To me that's the first thing I thought of as an African-American," Dungy said Wednesday. "I think it's stereotypical in looking at the players, and on the heels of the Kobe Bryant incident I think it's very insensitive. I don't think that they would have had Bill Parcells or Andy Reid or one of the owners involved in that," he added, a reference to the coaches in the game.

I mean, c'mon Dungy...racist? That's ridicurous (the rines are crossed). Even though I'm talking about it right now, here's to hoping this fucking story goes away fast. If you wanna focus on an offbeat story for three days, try this one, nothing but hilariousness.

Anyway, I doubt I'll be posting again today, but I'm sure I'll be checking in for comments. And the Good Lord Jesus knows that Donnie is a Busy Man Approaching Finals, so let's have another D-I-Y Day here at Slack -- sound off on anything above, bring up a topic of your own, write an essay, quote a quote, do your own thang. The blog is yours...roam free, children, Do It Yourself Day is back.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Shakin' Down Sheff

Gotta love the New York Post (and the Daily News too)...here's today's front page story for both papers:

A self-proclaimed minister tried to blackmail Gary Sheffield over alleged threesome sex tapes featuring the Yankee slugger's gospel-singer wife, another woman and R&B star R. Kelly, the player's rep and sources said yesterday.

Rufus Williams, the outfielder's business agent, revealed stunning details of the reputed plot to shake down his client for at least $20,000 to keep the raunchy tapes from surfacing and embarrassing the devoutly religious Sheffields.

The alleged footage of Sheffield's 28-year-old wife, DeLeon, Kelly, 36, and the unidentified other woman was said to have been made more than 10 years ago.

Click here for the rest of the juicy article, you gossip whores...

I love Sheff, he was clearly the Yank's MVP and almost the American League's MVP. He played with heart in every single game and rallied the team for much of the year, all the while playing with a bum shoulder held together with duct tape and chicken wire. But I'm rooting against DeLeon Sheffield on this one. This chick sang the National Anthem at two postseason games this year, Game 1 of the ALDS against Johan Santana and Game 7 of the infamous ALCS, and we lost both of them. She's bad luck and brought that shit to the Bombers. So I say she gets what she deserves, bad fucking luck, that DeLeon Sheffield.

Well, now that I think about it, I was at both of those games, too. Maybe I'm bad luck. Shit, have I ever slept with R Kelly on camera? Damn, I think I have. I'm fucked. Ah, can't worry about that now, I have to go read up on airline de-regulation, yaaaay!

Before I go, the Post is at it again...here's a pretty funny little blurb about world hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

What I'm Thinkin' About (Besides Swimming Pools)

Random thoughts today:

--Much like Scotty Smalls, the Jets were killin' me this weekend...not so much because of the loss, but because of the way they lost it. The Jets used the clock so atrociously that it prompted me to write this in my weekly fantasy football newsletter last night: "If I’m the general manager of the Jets, why the fuck wouldn’t I hire a clock management assistant for like, $100,000 a year? I love Herm Edwards, I love his motivation of the players, I love what he’s building in New York. But for chrissakes, the guy has zero idea how to conduct a two-minute drill or operate successfully inside of a minute. Please, Bradway, hire a guy who stands next to him and helps him out, I’m begging you..."

Turns out, the yokes on us. Even though the time management mistakes have not improved since last season, the Jets already have a fucking clock management assistant, I shit you not! Not only that, but the guy's name is Dick Curl (seriously, his name is Dick Curl, take a second and let that sink in). Where the hell was this guy against the Ravens, taking a shit? Banging a horse? Giving a horse some hot lunch? Something, like this article from Jets training camp, tells me that he was standing right next to Herm the whole time: "Edwards, not known for his efficient clock management, has appointed assistant Dick Curl to be his clock manager. Curl will stand near Edwards on the sideline." I'm totally confused. This guy is Herm's personal clock manager, he stands right besides him when it counts, and they still royally botched the last minute of that game?! How does this guy get paid after a performance like that? I'd say that someone cannot possibly be so bad at their job and get away with it, but then again, Tuesday, November 2nd was just two short weeks ago.

-- Kordell Stewart punted five times this week for the Ravens, and he was pretty effective. I don’t know what’s crazier, that Kordell Stewart is a back-up punter these days or that he was pretty effective at it. I miss the days when Slash was running all over the field, passing, receiving, picking up male hookers at 5 am, you know, the good old days.

--The Chicago Bears are incredible. Craig Krenzel is arguably the worst starting quarterback in the history of the NFL, for real, and yet the Bears are 3-0 under his leadership. I can’t make any sense of this. But with dat Urlacher guy down and out for a while, I'd bet against the Bears in every game for the rest of the season.

--Terrell Owens' celebration dances are awesome. I’m a purist sometimes, but this guy is just too funny not to laugh at. Ice-skating, standing on the little end-zone mini-star on Monday Night Football, I mean, it doesn’t get better than that. We need more of that.

--Joey Porter and William Green fighting before the Steelers/Browns game is a good thing, a very good thing (every time I think of the phrase "good thing," I think of the Fine Young Cannibals, and then I think of Damon Wayans' impersonation of FYC on In Living Color -- anyone else?). I don't wanna go off on a rant here, but what's wrong with a little pregame fight routine? I love pre-game fights, there’s really nothing like it. That’s a good sign, it means your guys are psyched up enough already that they’re itching to get a piece of the other dudes before the coin is even flipped. Like TO's celebrations, we need more of this, too. I hate confrontation and violence in my own personal life, but I love to see it in others. Teams that hate each other, like the Yankees and Sawx, the whole thing adds a little bingo to the rivalry if there's a chance of a good pregame fight (or one during the contest).

My favorite example of this actually comes from...um, hockey. Remember hockey? Everyone who has ever loved the Broadway Blueshirts has to love Tie Domi. The guy was as tall as James Madison, with Dolly's teeth, but he took on every team's biggest fighter from the rest of the league. I remember vividly in 1992 when the 22-year-old Domi challenged reigning league enforcer Bob Probert (a guy so mean he would punch your wife in the tits if given the chance, and maybe that's because his parents named him Robert Probert) to a fight immediately following a face-off. Despite giving up six inches, Domi ripped Probert's jersey straight over his head and pounded his face without so much as a hint of stopping. When the fight broke up, Probert was bloodied, and Domi skated off the face strapping an imaginary heavyweight belt around his waist. From that moment on, he was a Ranger, and a favorite at that.

Here's the point: A few months later, the Red Wings came to the Garden for a game and you could feel the intensity. Even though my memory is shit and this was more than a decade ago, I remember as clear as day that tickets were going for playoff prices -- this was the toughest ticket in town, people were paying $500, $600 whatever it took to get into MSG for the rematch. Everyone wanted a piece of this game, a random game that all of a sudden became a can't miss event because everyone knew Domi and Probert would tangle like Racki and Youngblood. Before the game, chants of "Do-mi, Do-mi, Do-mi" flooded the world's most famous arena, and the atmosphere was incredible. There were no playoff implications and no division rivalry, but the fans knew both sides were charged up about this little meeting and they knew that there was gonna be a first-class rumble like the Socs and the Greasers. And while there wasn't a pregame fight, fans got their wish just 37 seconds into the game, when the boys dropped their gloves. There was some dancing, and about 10 seconds elapsed before the fight began in earnest, when sadly, Probert got the upper hand. Haymakers were flying, but Domi was receiving much of the free dental work this time. A bloodied Domi stood up after the fight, dusted himself off and just smiled. He sparked his home crowd, he sparked his own team and everyone went home happy. Even Domi, he knew what he had done.

Obviously fighting is legal in hockey and not so much in football, but I think the point is simple: When the teams or individual players have a "thing" hanging in the air, when there's some genuine hatred or comments that need to be defended, the game just seems more important. Especially in this current state of NFL mediocrity, and in a time when both teams pray together after every game, I wouldn't mind seeing more shennanigans before and during the match-ups. Couldn't hurt. Like I said, we need more of this.

--And after the fighting, let's all make up and go get a Monster Thickburger from Hardee's. Sounds fucking awesome.


So Gov. James McGreevey packed up and moved out of the New Jersey governor's mansion today...I hear it was much easier for him to move out because all his shit was already packed. Heyyyyyo (Hi, I'm Brian).

Sorry for the insensitive joke, but that happened to be my favorite one from the whole "gay American" fallout. Feel free to post your own insensitive remarks below* (I know poophop is all over this).

*Slack LaLane does not condone these types of jokes, but it does laugh hysterically at them.

From Greeves to grilled cheese...EB down in Miami just crafted a lovely piece for the Miami Herald about some woman and her 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich with an image of the Virgin Mary (she's hot) in it. EB also tells me to get on the train quick, because the story is blowing up nationally -- it's already being written about or reported in Miami, Alabama, Kentucky, Kansas and some other states.

And it's only a matter of time before those greasy Phish fans pick up on the scent and start referring to this as "Phatty Virgin Mary Grill Cheese, one for $3, two for $5."

Monday, November 15, 2004

Scrubs Be Cool

Mi hermano, Red Cowboy, passed me this quick note last week that I forgot to report...but here it is now. For those of you who don't TiVo or watch Scrubs, you're idiots. It's that simple. I don't like name-calling, but I'll resort to it here if you refuse to tune into this 22 minutes of greatness. Outside of Arrested Development, it's the flat-out funniest show on television, and I may actually call Scrubs funnier than AD if someone put a pellet gun to my sac and made me choose. The characters are hysterical, the plots fantastic, guest stars and cameos fit right in with the ensemble cast, the jokes are somehow both subtle and in-your-face at the same time...basically, it owns my face. Scrubs owns my face.

Anyway, in last week's episode, Dr. Turk (better known as Stacey Dash's keepin'-it-real boyfriend Murray in Clueless), got real excited about his new cell phone number: (916) CALL-TURK. And don't worry, it's a realistic show, it was pointed out that the "K" was totally unnecessary and that his number was actually (916) CALL-TUR. Regardless, here's another example of what makes this show so incredible...It turns out, the phone number used on the show was real, and if you're strange and lonely enough to call a fictional number from the teevee box, you either got one of the show's cast or crew members or a message from Turk himself. Check it:

"Talk about a sweeps stunt. Some lucky Scrubs fans got the shock of their lives Thursday when, after reading my news item, they dialed 916-CALL-TUR and found themselves having a live conversation with the show's cast! "I just called Turk's digits and got a live person on the set," one TVGO reader told me via e-mail. "It was a writer, who then put me on with the woman who plays Dr. Cox's wife [Christa Miller]." Even TV Guide employees got in on the act. "We all just talked to Sarah Chalke, [series creator] Bill Lawrence and the guy who plays the janitor [Neil Flynn]," said Tess Forte, who works in TV Guide's ad-sales department. "It was so much fun — they told us to vote for Scrubs in the People's Choice Awards. I guess that's the point of the initiative." Have I mentioned lately how much I love this show?"

How freakin' cool is that shit? Yes, that's cool. Admit it. What's not cool, however, is the way the Oklahoma-Nebraska game ended Saturday night. With Oklahoma up 30-0, the Sooners drove the field with little time left, in the hopes of running up the score on their hated rivals. The BCS calls for it, OU coach Bob Stoops said later, they had to run up the score to remain in the two-slot after Auburn's impressive win. Anyway, OU failed to drive the whole field, Nebraska regained control of the ball and moved it the other way with less than a minute left. And with no time on the clock, Nebraska's kicker booted a 41-yard field goal to break the shutout and lose by 27 points: 30-3.

There was a frosty handshake between the two coaches, and Stoops all but apologized in the postgame interview, saying the current playoff situation called for running up the score. But here's the one thing I've yet to hear a word about thus far: The line was OU by 30, or OU by 29.5 in some cases. So the field goal not only broke the shutout, but it assured that Nebraska covered the point spread. And not ONE word has been mentioned on the subject. I'm not claiming conspiracy, alls I'm saying is, doesn't hurt to bring up all the facts, especially when dealing with big, and perhaps shady, academic institutions with huge football programs.

Either way, Auburn is the best team in the country. I've said it for about five weeks, but now there's no doubt in my mind they're the best team around. Carnell Williams and Ronnie Brown are a dynamite duo, the defense is unforgiving and rock solid, Auburn is well-coached, they've got great fans, and they're definitely blowing through Alabama (sorry, Bux) in the Iron Bowl this weekend and whomever they play in the SEC Championship. And if they get dicked out of the BCS Championship game, that'll be two years in a row that perhaps the best team in the country doesn't get to play for the officially recognized national title. And I'll be smiling like the cat who ate the canary. I just heard that expression, it sucks bullocks, but I figured I'd throw it in somewhere today. Oh, go fuck yourself, Diane.

Feliz Lunes

Northwestern lost big in a second-half trouncing, the Jets lost in overtime for no reason whatsoever, then two of the four elevators in my building broke this morning, forcing me to wait 20 minutes for a ride down, I had to ride up 10 floors just to get down 18, I walked to the subway just in time for it to close in my face, one was right behind that one but it rode so slowly that the trip took twice as long as usual...Long story short, I got to work 30 minutes late for the first time in a long time (maybe ever). So, if you ask me how I'm doing, the answer is: I'm fine, could be worse.

Monday, now that sucks. Here's some good news though...And now, some bad. There's always a bit of both, ain't there?

And here's a funny little note from Alexander the Great -- I think his alias is Debbie Trautwine, so ease up on making fun.

Friday, November 12, 2004


You get off your ass and you Taser that fucking kid. At least the kid wasn't doing cartwheels and/or handstands, which apparently are bad news (Brown).

Captain Starbux was kind enough to pass this along...researchers at the University of Michigan and Princeton University are trying to comfort the downtrodden blue staters, attempting to show that the country isn't as red as the necks of Bush's supporters. Check out some new maps, folks.

One more election note: If Ron Artest ran for the position of the new Mike Tyson, I'd vote for him. This guy is media gold, television tea. After yesterday's stream of consciousness ridiculousness, you just know ESPN is going to follow this guy around 24/7 for the next few months. So buckle up and hunker down Ronnie, expect to see some non-stop ED-TV type shit (did I just reference ED-TV? Fuck.).

And here's one bartender you can tell to do anything you want, and you don't even have to tip her...may or may not be safe for work, depending on how your warped little mind works. Try "Kiss a girl," that's a nice. High fiiive. My work friend who showed this to me recommends "Start a fight," which is pretty funny as well. It's in your hands now, go forth and do things. IBM Presents, You Make the Call.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I Like This

I don't really want to bring up the election again, but I thought this was one of the best written articles about the fiction of "moral values." Frank Rich's take on the subject contains many, many points I've wanted to make since election day, mostly about Rupert Murdoch, but he obviously says it better than I ever could (You dirty rat. I already said that. Yeeeah, but I say it betttter).

And here's a great line from ChipotleBob, aka Left Coast Bobby: "Anyone catch Mike Martz calling out his players and blaming them for the losses. Was this some kind of April Fool's Joke? Anyone who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express could coach a team better than this guy." So true, Bobby, so true. I've never seen anyone so inept at his or her job. Well, considering I can't see myself in action...

Sawdust and Mildew

Am I the only 25-year-old in America that still eats Froot Loops for breakfast? Damn these things are good. Follow your nose? Sure thing, you fucking awesome bird. I'll follow you anywhere, Mr. Sam.

As if the Ron Artest story isn't crazy enough, here come two redshirt freshmen wide receivers from Michigan State to make him look relatively normal...what the hell is wrong with these people?! Making and planting homemade bombs? Fannntastic.

And speaking of bombers, Bronx or otherwise, nothing makes me happier than waking up to find out that Joe Girardi is the new Yankees bench coach. A good day for NU alumni, a good day for the Yank'ums.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Kids are Awesome

1. Three high school students face charges for using a bat to beat another student who taunted them about being John Kerry supporters days after the contentious election. It gets better...

2. Four young teens have been arrested after the torture and killing of two sharks and a ray at a California aquarium.

3. And my favorite "teens is dumb" story of the day: Two teenagers recorded their beating of a Junction City High School student, set it to music, and distributed the DVD in school. I've seen some clips of this on CNN and it looks as ridiculous as it sounds...someone's gotta get a copy of this and pass it around like Black Sheep's 40. Oooh, here's a version of the story with some pics.

I'm all for the corruptiuon of high school kids, but more in a sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll kind of way. Outside of the fact that I was a professional wrestling addict for a decade, I abhor violence. Hate it like I hate McCarver. Kids, listen to me, here's some solid big brotherly advice: Stop fighting and killing sharks, and start getting hot girls drunk and naked, then post their pictures on the Internets for all the world to see. Trust me, it's good times.

OK, back to work.

Mas Futbol Americano

Three football posts in one day...yikes. Apologies to the one feminine unit who reads this blog.

Well, the point of this post is simple: Finally (and maybe this has been around, but a first for mine eyes), someone's done the impressive job of releasing a comprehensive salary database that shows you just how overpaid those star wide receivers are...check it out for yourselves. Play around, children, it's even easy to use!

But on another note, has there been a more valuable member to his team than San Diego tight end Antonio Gates? I'd argue that this guy is having more of an MVP season than anyone out there. This guy is off the charts this season. We need new charts. The second-year tight end out of Kent State has caught five touchdowns over the past two weeks, eight total on the season. Going into the bye week, Gates has 54 catches for 602 yards, and 38 of those receptions have gone for first downs. This guy is a beast, and he's reason number one the San Diego Super Chargers are atop the AFC West standings.

A few weeks ago, I was wondering where in the shit this guy came from, and then I realized exactly where I knew his name from: an article I wrote two and a half years ago. In my preview of the 2002 NCAA Tournament, I mentioned Gates as a big reason the 10-seeded Kent State Golden Flashes would upset two big opponents and dance among the final 16 teams. This is what I wrote on 3/12/02 for my old college magazine about who the next Cinderella team would be:

"Mark Few's Zags should be fuming after receiving a six seed; regardless, they've won too often in March to ever wear Cinderella's slipper again. So it's time to pick the next sleeper squad to make more waves than a Shawn Kemp cannonball. This year, look out for the Kent State Golden Flashes out of the 10-spot in the South to take down No. 7 Oklahoma State and No. 2 Alabama.

Led by senior guard Trevor Huffman and sophomore Antonio Gates, Kent State posted a 27-5 record, captured the Mid-American Conference title, and showed Flashes of brilliance in last year's tourney victory over Indiana. Along with No. 12 Tulsa and No. 10 Pepperdine, look for Kent State to be dancing in the Sweet Sixteen. (Also, look for Deshawn Stevenson and R. Kelly to be dancing at a Sweet Sixteen, looking for cutie high school chicks to deflower.) "

OK, I must admit, I suck at predictions. I really do. But somehow I was dead-on-balls accurate about that Kent State prophecy (and also about Maryland winning the whole thing by the way). Kent State beat both teams I thought they would, and bested me by one, making it to the Elite Eight before losing to eventual runner-up Indiana. Based on this historical performance, I will forever be a fan of Antonio Gates, as he made me look good in public. And we're now linked together in history -- for good measure, if you type "Antonio Gates 2002 NCAA Tournament" into Google, my old article is the first link up there...that makes him the Ace Cowboy's favorite player in the NFL not named Chad Sexington or Jonathan Vilma. We love Gates, we love Gates!

I realize this whole post is a bit self-aggrandizing, but take it more as profession of love for an athlete I couldn't even pick out of a lineup than a boasting of my uncanny talent for accuracy in augury.

So in a sign of good faith, here's another football-related note from EB down in Miami...apparently Randy Walker pumped up the Wildcats with a little Griffin family magic:

So, how did Northwestern break its road game slump at Penn State this weekend? A little "Family Guy" maybe?

"It was an animated thing," coach Randy Walker said at his weekly Monday Press conference. "A bunch of...Family Guy? Family Man? It was a cartoon on Fox. I'd never seen it and it was pretty good."

Running back Noah Herron enjoyed the selection, calling it "quite hilarious," but didn't think the choice of the weekly Friday night movie made any difference.

<>"The coaches try to overanalyze it and break that down," said Herron, who also said he felt no lingering effects from his first quarter collision on Saturday. "If we don't have our heads together the next day, it doesn't matter what we watch on the movie screen."

Are we, are we supposed to beat Michigan with our penises?

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

OSU = Ohhh Shit U'Guys

Clarett claims cash, cars among benefits at OSU

"Ending six months of silence, former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett has told ESPN The Magazine in this week's edition that he "took the fall" for the school during a 2003 NCAA investigation and that he's talking now because he wants to "clear his name" with National Football League owners and general managers.

Clarett says that while he was at Ohio State in 2002 and 2003 head coach Jim Tressel, as well as certain members of his staff and boosters, provided him with improper benefits. He says he covered up Tressel's improprieties during the NCAA investigation and afterward, Ohio State "blackballed'' him from the football program." Click here for the full article.

Here are the key questions as far as I see it: Does this really come as a shock to anyone? Does Clarett have any credibility though, and should anyone believe him at this point? What happens to squeaky clean Jim Tressel's rep after this allegation (she said you're only 18, you don't have a rep yet)? Should Peter King call this OSU team the greatest college team in two decades? Will there be a riot with bonfires and flipped cars in C-Bus after this? Will John Kerry actually carry the state of Ohio now, in light of this new information (...man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light)?

Only time will tell. But this is just what we needed, another sports scandal...

Football and an Anniversary

Sometimes I forget to check, but when I remember to read Peter King's weekly column, I thoroughly enjoy his commentary and insight. His Monday Morning Quarterback piece is a great read -- we here at Slack highly recommend it -- as there's no better take on the weekend's games anywhere else on the Internets.

But I fear Mr. King has fallen prey to the writing disease that currently plagues most professional sports journalists: embellishment. In this week's column, King makes the pretty outlandish claim that the 2004 Pittsburgh Steelers are one of the best teams of the last 20 years. Yes, one of the top teams of the last two decades. Yes, just as good as the mid-80s Bears, the late-80s Niners, the early-90s Bills and Cowboys. This guy's taking a sample size of about six games (since Old Mother Hubbard bent over and Rover Roethlisberger took over) and saying this team is an unbeatable force that will go down in history as one of the greatest teams ever. To that prediction I say, "Ohhhhh I dunno...Lemme think it over, will ya? I got a guy on the other line about some white walls."

The Steelers are arguably the league's best team right now, and sure they're winning games handily at this point, even beating two previously undefeated opponents. But seriously, one of the best teams of the last two decades? Didn't the Patriots just win 21 straight games or something like that? I can't imagine saying this year's Steelers are better than that team. And in addition to the squads King mentions himself, I can't imagine saying the Steelers are any better than the '99 Rams, the '91 Redskins, the '94 49ers, maybe even that '98 Cunningham-led Vikings team or Moon's Oilers from the early-90s. Slow down Peter, we love ya baby, but let's wait and collect a little bit of solid evidence before making such a ridiculous suggestion. Rome wasn't burnt in a day. I haven't seen such a bold statement since Lance told Vinnie Vega he'd take the Pepsi Challenge with that Amsterdam shit any ol' day of the fuckin' week. I like Big Ben and I'm on the Steelers bandwagon, but I'm riding the brake.

Staying with the football theme, here's a question I've been screaming since Sunday: Santana Moss, will you please run to the fucking endzone? Not to sound like a Phil Mushnick or Mike Francesa douche or anything, but what's happening to this game? You're trailing by 12 with about four minutes on the clock and you've got nobody in front of you for the remaining 40 yards 'til paydirt, why are you hotdogging your way to the endzone? Run, run fast, use that blinding speed and get on your horse. I sincerely hope Herm took some action on that one, maybe talked real fast and got up in Santana's face, maybe asked him who told him to put the balm on...

Well, Dave Wannstedt is officially out as head coach of the Dolphins. I saw Wannstedt play craps in the Bahamas one spring break, and he jumped up and down like a middle school girl every time someone hit a point. That's grounds for firing right there. I don't know what took them so long. That was years ago. I hope general managers get taught a lesson here -- some people are coordinators, and damn good ones, and some people are head coaches. Guys like Wannestedt, Norv Turner, Dave Campo, Bruce Coslet, Mike Fucking Martz, these are coordinators, not head coaches, not strong leaders of men...there's a difference, and it's amazing how many GMs have yet to figure it all out. Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs. Blue.

Moving on, it's a special anniversary for Ace and Donnie...well, not an anniversary for us, but the day of a pretty ridiculous night in our history. Six year ago today, the popular rock band Phish capped off a fantastically swell three-night run at the UIC Pavillion in Chicago, closing with an a capella Freebird that's still etched in my mind like it were yesterday. In honor of this occasion, allow myself to introduce myself, or more accurately, indulge me in re-visiting my thoughts on the subject of this night (this, from a 7/11/04 Slack post):

It's been about six years since ol' Ace has dabbled in the psilocybin trade, but good times were certainly had before then. That last time was the 11/9/98 Phish show at the UIC Pavillion, a great and severely underrated show by all accounts. Except, of course, for the 45 minutes when I just completely freaked out, peaking hard in a fully enclosed arena with no air and no music to distract me, as the band was taking a break in between sets. I began to wander, first mentally while sitting two rows up off the floor. Then I had to get up and find some air, some water, something to kick me back into normal life, to remind me I'm okay, you're okay. But that backfired, as I committed Mushrooms Cardinal Sin Numero Uno: Don't look at yourself in the mirror. No sir, not ever, under no conditions.

Am I dying? Am I dead? Do I normally look this gaunt? No, fat. No, wait, holy shit my eyes are huge, look at those pupils, ha, pupils, that's funny. Is that funny? Yeah, that's funny, funny like those jokes about manboobs. Oh man, that guy just looked at me funny, I bet his name is Boris, maybe Lucy. I gotta get out of here, wait, where the fuck am I, can't I just go home at the snap of my fingers, wait, I have fingers, yeah man, check out my fingers, dude, look at this. Oh no, no, my fingers are freaking me out, bad fingers. Baddddfingeerrrrrrr. Stop singing to yourself. Get out of here already. I hope you die. Nooo, stop. I'm okay. I'm gonna die. I'm not. Wash your face. Fuck you.

So I washed my face and left the bathroom, and proceded to get pushed threw a throng of unkempt hippie folk, everyone's eyes darting side to side, everyone looking like the Reaper himself ready to claim me. Pushed and pushed and pushed, I finally made it to to the side of the tiny concourse and bumped into Fake Jerry of the Dead cover band Dark Star Orchestra (who looked a lot like the hyperlink picture attached). "Jerryman you'regreat Igottago, um, okay, kick ass whatever" I think I mumbled to him. By the stroke of luck, I ran into two friends who told me I looked like shit, and one went to get me some water. It was then that I pulled up next to the ketchup and mustard dispenser kiosk across from the concessions stand and began to vomit up everything I had in me, which wasn't much. After all, mushrooms are food poisoning. It felt better, but I still felt really high. Then I felt the hand of a stranger on my back, as a nice fella came over to say in a typical stoner hippie voice, "Happened to me in Vegas man, happened to me in Vegas." And it's happening to me now. It's all happening. Emily Rugburn.

Slowly I got back in the positive frame of mind, but halfway through the second set when I looked at Donnie and said, "If they don't play Moma Dance right now I'm going home," he knew that I was serious. Bam! Moma Dance! The band abides! Now I was determined to end this trip on a great note, and indeed I did. All systems go. From then on out, I saw it and it was good.

And lastly, have you seen the horror? Have you? This weekend I spotted the incomparable Buddy from Just One of the Guys/Mikey from Parker Lewis Can't Lose, actor Billy Jayne, on a Circuit City commercial, hawking plasma televisions for the electronic retailer. Oh Buddy/Mikey, I know you gotta live and feed your family like Latrell Sprewell, but I figured after doing those Bud Light mershes a few years back you'd cool it on the awful sell-out appearances. The guy who uttered the immortal line "Hey yo scumbag! Suck your own! Eat me...Mom says "Hi'" should never be reduced to pitching high definition wares on national television. Shouldn't happen. Yer better than that, Billy, yer be'er.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Two Funny Links

Good discussion today, ladies and gents...excellent stuff.

Anyway, here are two funny links for your soon-to-be-weekend enjoyment.

1. Bush's Inbox

2. Drunk driving arrest (this faked some people out who thought it was real...it's actually from Reno 911, but it's incredibly funny nonetheless)

Enjoy your pebbles, sir.

Brooklyn: The Craps

Ol' Don took Irene to Broadway yesterday to see the steaming pile of plotline poo that is "Brooklyn: The Musical." Great singing. I mean fantastic. Problem was that the writer obviously is the cheesiest person in the world. (Even more than Piven!) An orphaned girl from France, named Brooklyn after the homeland of her long lost father, comes to America as a pop-star to find her dad by singing a lullaby he sang to her mother that he never finished. The mom hung herself after never receiving a note from the dad (who was killing entire villages in Vietnam with Loser Kerry) b/c evil French grampa was confiscating the letters. Anyway, the girl gets to Brooklyn and, while preparing for a winner take all sing-off at MSG with a true Brooklyn native, Paradice, finds the dad shooting heroin. Then, Paradice inexplicably wins after Brooklyn sings with a smelly homeless man names StreetSinger. Brooklyn looks set to leave and then finds her dad at the bus station. I'm hyperventilating. Seriously. I can't do musicals ever again. I was squeezing Irene's hand really hard to keep from exploding all over the theater in derisive laughter.

I'm listening to Strangefolk right now. They were a cool band.

Jump on In

The sun is out, the grill is hot, the pool is luke...we've got a red hot discussion going on in Donnie's "Needing Newton" post below.

Anyone been watching the awful Hearsay bits on SportsCenter? I mean, aside from being absolutely terrible and time-wasting, would it kill black people to even attempt a guess on anything related to white people? Aside from Paris Hilton, I don't think any white password has been given even a chance to be guessed. If the word is Seinfeld or Tom Selleck or Cheers or whatever, you get an immediate pass, "next." If someone is somehow related to bleck culture, then there's at least a guess or two: "Oh, oh, he did a video with Jay-Z, the rock guy" and an immediate response of "Lenny Kravitz." Craisins. But if it's like Beyonce, it's like "She's that girl..." and the other dude's like "Beyonce." Talk about Two Americas.

Anyway, I watched a fair amount of Louisville's 56-49 shootout win over Memphis last night...Perhaps there aren't too many Mallrats fans out there, but L'Ville's quarterback is named Stefan Lafors (oh you don't know LaFours?). The whole game I half-expected Jay and Silent Bob to run out and nail him over the head with a sock full of quarters. Never happened. I was upset.

Well, jump in the discussion below...good talk, see ya out there.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Needing Newton

Shocker. This blog is going to reference something in the NYTimes Op/Ed. But I think "The Day the Enlightenment Went Out" is very valuable for two reasons.

1. Jingle those keys for it's Prof. Wills from Northwestern.
2. It is a really cogent piece on my point from yesterday: that I can't drop my rhetoric and try to unify this country because a) I can't do that in good conscience and b) the people with whom I'd be unifying won't budge to the left because of intrinsic moral and religious values (read: you can't talk sense into them).

If you don't want to read the article, Wills looks at Christian Conservative America from the point of view of the Early Modernists, people like Newton, Locke, etc. who eschewed a worldview seen through the lens of religion to one seen through the lens of empirical evidence. Basically, this evidence no longer applies to a great majority of the population. That's why it doesn't matter if Bush grounds his reason for war in truth or fiction. His base does not rely on evidence of this sort to make judgments as to critical issues facing this country. That's why more people than not believe in the Virgin Birth and Adam and Eve than evolution. That's unfathomable.

So what does this all mean? Well, if America is going to eschew evidence, no wonder the rest of the world looks at us as if we've gone mad. Secular Europe is looking at devotional America. And who's our enemy? People whose reason is clouded by religion: Jihadist Muslims. We're going down the same medieval path with them.

I do think it's time for the smart people in this country (yeah, I said it) to stop defending their logic, degrees, and academic and judicial robes and start coming back at the religious right with an assault of reason and evidence. At some point, then, the non-religious conservatives (yes, the neo-cons and fiscal conservatives) have to make a choice: with the Enlightenment or with the religious believers.

Come on baby pump that thing shake it uh uh doo doo Brown!

Inside the Campaigns

Here's an interesting excerpt from an article that will run in TIME magazine shortly (or maybe on their website, I'm not entirely sure)...

"TIME goes behind the scenes of the Bush and Kerry campaigns and reveals a series of untold stories and crises as well as the key moments that changed the race for President. Bush and Kerry weren’t only battling each other -- in the hunt for every last vote, each man had to rediscover his own instincts as well, TIME’s Karen Tumulty, John Dickerson, Perry Bacon and Jay Carney report."

Among the key issues: How Bush laid a trap for Kerry on Iraq, How the Bush Team's reaction to the bin Laden Videotape helped the president and hurt Kerry, How Bush pulled McCain into his camp, and How Kerry was furious when word of ‘Strategy Call’ with Clinton was in newspapers shortly before Clinton's heart surgery...

Check out that excerpt...Nothing major is unearthed here, but still pretty interesting stuff. Well, actually, the last part about the Clinton phone call is fairly groundbreaking.

Bad day for the Edwards family...shortly after conceding the election, John's wife Elizabeth was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been a very Favre-ian week for the Edwards family, and we here at Slack wish Ms. Edwards a speedy recovery (see, I can be nice sometimes).

In other news, Dallas elected a new sheriff, the first Democratic sheriff since the mid-1970s. But that's not it...Lupe Valdez is also the first woman to hold the office, the first Hispanic to hold the office, and the first openly gay person to hold the office. Naturally, the headline of this article is "First gay Hispanic woman elected as Dallas sheriff." I'd give Dallas a ton of credit if she was the second gay Hispanic woman to be elected sheriff, but nah, she's the first. By the way, notice I said "gay person" there. If I hear one more person use the McGreevey-phrased "gay American" I may go apeshit. What the fuck does being gay have to do with being American? Does that make any sense? That phrase enrages me beyond belief, especially when the Governor fails to lube up my Jewish ass.

This guy got naked in protest, I'm just not entirely sure what he's protesting. The man "was charged with trespassing after he stripped naked, scaled a airport fence, ran across the tarmac and climbed into a plane's wheel well before firefighters talked him out..." Great stuff. Maybe naked protester guy was cracked out on liquid heroin, who the hell knows. Why liquid heroin? Well, apparently it's not just for adults anymore. Liquid heroin, now for kids!

On the coaching ballot, it's no on Spurrier, yes on Wave 'Em In Willie, yes on Charlie Manuel. I say, bad move, bad move, good move. Willie's a good guy and I'll always love him for being a part of six World Series pinstriped champions, but this guy is not the manager the Mets are looking for. He's not turning around you ballclub so soon, fellas. I mean, I guess it's good for the Yanks, maybe now we can bring in Northwestern alum Joe Girardi, who will be a major league manager within five years (tops). Also, good riddance to Mel Stottlemyre. I tip my cap to the man and I'll also love the guy for what he's done for the Yanks, but we need some new blood in the bullpen...this guy probably did more harm than good over the past two seasons. Let's go get a Leo Mazzone or a Rick Peterson and get our guys to start being nasty again.

And to my friends out on the Left Coast, get used to this headline from last night: "Kobe scores 38 in loss." Left Coast Bobby, aka ChipotleBob, just sent this hilarious link to me, so thanks for that. Sorry 'bout your basketball team, that sucks.


**Breaking News**
Palestinian leader/known terrorist Yasser Arafat reportedly has died in France, according to Israeli state and private media cited by Agence France-Presse. Arafat, 75, had been undergoing medical treatment at a Paris hospital.

The Palestinian prime minister is denying reports that Yasser Arafat has died, according to the Associated Press. A French hospital official also denied Arafat has died a moment ago. So apparently, he's not dead yet, although Israeli TV is now calling him "brain dead." That's just not nice. Other TV stations around the world are saying the same of our president.

During his press conference right now, a reporter informed the president that Arafat had died (whether true or not)...and then asked him what he thought. Bush replied, "My first reaction is, 'God bless his soul.'" My thoughts exactly.

Who was the big winner on Election Day? Cold, hard cash, that's who. I think it was Bill Frist who said on the Senate floor last year, "Cash rules everything around me, CREAM, get the money, dollah dollah bill, y'all." That Frist, such a good talker. I'm not a talker. Anyway, in 96 percent of House races and 91 percent of Senate races that had been decided by mid-day yesterday, the candidate who spent the most money won, according to a post-election analysis by the nonpartisan Center for Responsive Politics. Plain and simple: Cash rules.

There's gotta be a better way, whether it's public financing or matching funds, but we have to ensure you cannot just buy elections in this country. Bloomberg, Corzine, all the guys this time around, what are we doing here? If you have some cash, you get the influence? Is that for real? It's one thing for Steinbrenner or Huizenga to buy a championship or two, but this is lawmaking, decision-making, this is people's lives we're talking about here. This is my life here we're talking about, we're not talking about something else, we're talking about my life (Corky St. Claire, 1996).

Wanna know about the youth vote, by the way? What the hell happened to all the young people who were supposed to change this election?! Did they just hang out and get stoned all day like I did in 2000? Did they show up to the booths and find a six-hour wait (spies in Columbus tell me that Ohio State University, with all its 60,000 students or so, had just two voting booths)? Well, it looks like they came out more this election than in previous years, but they were swallowed whole by the I Love God-ders and new voters on the right. Here's a decent take on the matter.

The fallout from Election Day continues, and some people are taking it better than others. Just look at yesterday's Slack posts and comments for examples of that. As for the real public eye guys, Michael Moore was a bit pissed off, and made a mosaic on his site of the US casualties in Iraq, very clever and I give him three gold stars and an extra snack pack. Well, he may not need the extra snack pack. Surprisingly, Billionaire Bush-hater George Soros took the news rather well, kind of the same way as me actually, saying on his website: "Obviously, I am distressed at the outcome of the election. I hope, but don't trust, that the second Bush administration will have learned something from the mistakes of the first. What is at stake is our ability to recognize our own fallibility."

And Canada released a statement, saying "Nice try, ya hosers, but you're gonna have to wait to get in here, to live here and work here, and wait to come to our bars and fill yourself with the piss and vinegar, eh?" So yeah, if you're thinking about Canada, where everything's basically free, it's gonna be a little while before that materializes.

But thank Arlen Specter for getting re-elected...this guy might be the last Republican friend we got. Specter knows what's up on the bench.

Lastly, not only does a Bush victory mean that everyone around the world has to convert to Christianity, it also means the animals around the world have to as well. Take this, for example, a man in Taipei survived a fight with a lion after jumping into a den at the Taipei Zoo and trying to convert the lions to Christianity. Fan-fucking-tastic.

More to follow...I didn't hear no bell.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Reflections on Elections

Here's just a few thoughts:

Obviously, I'm extremely disappointed in the results of this election. I don't think I'm angry about anything. I don't think that's the way to react to an election where the people spoke their peace. But I am very disappointed and, well, frightened.

The thing about the fright, however, is that it works both ways. The rather remarkable Bush victory was bolstered most by moral values. It was the #1 issue among Bush voters and, in some of the gay marriage referendum states, the only reason they went to the polls. I voted for Kerry because the Christian right is scaring the shit out of me in its views on what have been termed "moral values." The middle of the country voted for Bush because my liberal proclivities scare the shit out of them. It's fair on both sides.

I'm just not sure how to reach for the middle on this one. Everyone is saying that they're ready to move on and put their differences behind them and unite the country. I can honestly say that I don't feel that way.

I think that the evolution of order in human society is the by-product of an expanding tolerance for others or the enfranchisement of that other. From the first laws that outlawed the killing of another man to the freedom from social bondage to the abolition of slavery to the Civil Rights of the 60s, I think that tolerance is trending up while fear of the unknown is trending downward. I also think that, every so often, there's a test period, where people fear the unknown so much that they cling hard and fast to what is known. These people tend to be more isolated, less familiar with that unknown and thus foreseeability is an issue: How do I know what hell will come of letting gays marry if I know no gay people? I think it's understandable. And I also think that will change. It's part of our social progression.

I'm pretty sure that the religious basis for arguments are a hinderance to the progression, but not a definitive roadblock. Religion has held very powerful sway forever, with precepts of religion used to justify any of humanity's abhorrid social creations. I think that, here too, the great force of social progression will eventually overcome the fear of the unknown that leads people to hold on to religion. (I don't want to sound callous on this. I think one's religious beliefs are their's alone. I cannot question that. But what I can do is make a prediction on evidence of a larger trend. Let me be clear, I do not think religion is the enemy.)

So how do we help the trend along to expand the tolerance? I'm really not sure. I do know that only 18% of people who cited moral values as their key issue in this election actually voted for Kerry. I think the Dems need to increase that number a lot and make people realize that A) there is nothing to fear and B) Democrats have moral compunction too.

Couple more points:

--I think it's obvious that a huge mistake was made in appointing John Edwards as the VP candidate and not Dick Gephardt. In retrospect, I can't see how this was even an issue. Here's a guy who has been a champion of the working class in the traditional sense, not as a flashy trial attorney. I think Gephardt would have anchored the ticket, allowed more of a connection with the union worker who's freaked out about terrorist attacks and nipples during halftime and, instead, focused his attention on jobs and the economy. That was a huge mistake.

--Going the other way, would Dean have been a better choice than Kerry? Hmm...I'm not sure about this. I'd like to view Kerry as the Democratic version of Bob Dole in 1996: part of the establishment, perceived as "out of touch", and somewhat unresponsive to the burgeoning grassroots movvement in the party. Make no mistake, the GOP won in 2000 and 2004 because it has a far better mobilized base that, I'm pretty sure, does not really identify with Bob Dole. Well, I think the same thing could happen here. Dean's ability to motivate and mobilize the Democratic base is essential for 2008 and I don't think that base had a whole lot in common with John Kerry. Just as Republicans use religion as a rallying point, so too must Dems find their unity in something: Internet, education, Civil Rights. I don't think Dean was a better candidate in terms of electibility. But in terms of charging the Dems, I think he would have made the party more streamlined and energized. Of course, the risk there is that Dean only hardens the Republican resolve because, like I wrote above, Dean's agenda scares the ever-loving shit out of religious, rural, conservative Americans. Any thoughts on this?

I obviously have a lot more to say on this but, you know, I got shits to do.

Coming To

I've felt a veritable bevy of emotions of the past 24 hours...I've been optimistic, cautiously optimistic, anxious, nervous, nervous as shit, tired and hungry, sad, confused, and most of this morning I called myself disheartened and heartbroken. But much like the Yankees/Sawx series, I'm strangely getting over it already. I never thought I would be doing that this quickly, but I am. I have completely accepted Kerry's loss, and I'm growing more okay with it by the second. I've done a bigger flip flop than Kerry on the $87 billion. Maybe it's because I never thought Kerry would be a good president, just better than the other guy. And that's no way to go into an election...

I mean, I'm still pissed off that this guy gets four more years, while a handful of neo-conservative douchebags get six more years in the Senate and two more years in the House. I'm gravely concerned that they'll appoint hordes of conservative judges to high circuit courts, where they'll probably make more laws than anyone in Congress or the Supreme Court put together. I'm wholeheartedly weirded out by the fact that our society is moving towards a more conservative ideology that I couldn't agree less with, and I'm worried about how our foreign policy decisions will be made over the next four years. These things worry me, and it'll take a little while to see how this plays out.

But I'm slowly coming to realize that the sky will not fall...we're still gonna be okay. Bitch, be cool. Sure, we may have to put up with another term of policies some of us definitely disagree with, and that truly sucks. But couldn't the other side say the exact same thing had our side won? A pretty conservative buddy of mine from Kentucky put things in a much better perspective when he said the following this morning: "In fact, I would be the one saying 'I can't believe this is my country' if Kerry had won the election winning the few states in New England, the upper Midwest, and the West Coast that he did-- just as it is almost irrelevant to you what people in places like where I live think, the reverse is true for me." Pretty good point...either way, 50 million-plus people were going to be pissed off at what happened.

Also, I can't honestly say that I did anything to help my side. Besides donating about $150 of my hard-earned cash to the Kerry campaign and Move-on.org (what's that, a fortnight's worth of cannibis for me, that's nothing), what the fuck did I do to stop the president's bid for re-election? What did you do to help the guy you voted for? Did we work for the campaigns? Did we go to a battleground state to make a difference where it counted? Did we drive people on our side to the polls? Did we make phone calls to get out the vote? Most people I know did none of those things, yet all of them, including myself, feel compelled to bitch about the outcome. Yes, we all participated in the great process of democracy when we voted yesterday, but can we truly feel good about doing that and nothing else? We may have the right to bitch, we may have the right to feel angry...but that doesn't help anyone. It's deeds, not words that count in this life, and most of us sat there and babbled. Jeez, this paragraph makes me sound a little like Pat Benatar. That's okay, she rocks. No, you rock.

I'm done with this partisan shit, I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to shake hands with the people I disagree with and figure out a way to make us all happy. Red states, blue states, we're at a crossroads here, and civil war without the war is what we're staring at right now. We need to come together and engage in debate about the issues that really affect our lives, not spiteful politics that govern the way we oughta think. I am fucking ready to move on.

On a very similar note, I've been e-mailing with the great T-Tyler-J, who watched this go down from his battleground state of Ohio. TTJ, if nothing else, is good for excellent insight and contrarian thinking most of the time...here's a great point here made this morning:

"I'm sickened by conservatives refusing to listen to or even acknowledge that there are other sides to the story. I'm sickened by liberals trying to make people feel stupid or talking down to them if they don't agree with what they think. It's wrong and they all should be ashamed of themselves. I almost felt a pang of guilt yesterday when I voted for one the parties.

It's really a broken machine, every little bit of it. It seems like Republicans and Democrats are more interested in besting each other than doing what's best for our country. It's time for revolution. But we won't even get that far. Like the politicians, it seems like people want to be proved "right" more than they want to fix what's wrong with America. They want to wallow in negativity and trash the guy next door with the opposing view. They want someone on TV to validate their opinions so they can go stand under the elephant or donkey umbrella and laugh at the people that are caught in the rain. It's spiteful, it appeals to our LCDs and sadly, it's what this country has become.

So I don't feel downhearted about four more years. It's the same old, same old. I feel downhearted because of this lack of common ground and complete disrespect for anyone that doesn't see things the same way someone might, and the sad truth that it's not changing anytime soon. People are no longer capable of respectfully disagreeing with other people or positions."

I agree, Circle gets the square. I'll take Jim J. Bullock to block.

Yeah, What He Said

I second that: Crap.

Not even a visit from Keith Jackson can cheer me up right now. "Whooooa boy, John Kerry got hit on the inside of the country, and the country is...gone."

See? Nuthin'.


Like I said: Crap.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


Forgive the following rant:

You know, every talking head I've seen over the last few days has said that Bush did a good job over the last 2 months or so in keeping the focus of the election on terrorism because that's where he is strongest. I understand that this is, inexplicably, a strong talking point for Bush because people really do think he is the right American leader to deal with terrorists.

But that's fucking nuts! What are these people thinking?

The way I see it, the best way to stop terrorists is to reduce their numbers. Seems right that less terrorists means less terrorism. But how do we lessen the number of terrorists? Probably some combination of strategic precision strikes against the leadership and good faith efforts to change the economic/social motivations for these people to, you know, blow themselves up n' shit.

Probably the last thing I'd do if I wanted to reduce the number of terrorists is MAKE MORE TERRORISTS. Yet this is exactly what super-leader Bush has done. He invaded a country where there were no terrorists, only a semi-sexy despotic psycho with a killer moustache and a penchant for dipping people in battery acid...but no terrorists. Then, he crapped up the war by having no contingency plan and refusing to send enough troops to secure the country. So now, we have what amounts to a fertile terrorist breeding ground that A) did not exist before the invasion of Iraq and B) we have no chance of controlling (Newsweek just reported that Powell conceded privately that the insurgents are winning).

Iraq is now like the NFL's pre-draft scouting combine in Indianapolis, only, you know, with a lot more camels and amputees. I can imagine Al-Zarqawi poking and prodding future terrorists, saying things like, "He's a keeper" or "I'm willing to take a chance on this one despite his inexperience with ricin. He's just raw talent."

So the argument that Bush has somehow done well in the "War on Terror" is simply unfathomable to me. The "We haven't had another 9/11 under Bush's watch" is not a worthy argument either. Check out what's going on in Israel right now and what's happened in Bali, Madrid, Tunisia, Morocco, etc. They're just lots of little 9/11's.

How the media doesn't realize this (outside of Eleanor ("Nice Gams") Clift) is beyond me. Why Kerry didn't hammer this point home time after time after time at the debates is even more insane. How much more artillery did he need than "In the effort to fight terrorism, Bush attacked a country that had no terrorists and now has thousands and thousands of new terrorists in a lawless society that the US cannot control." Holy Shit!

If Kerry loses, I'm pointing to this as the major failure of his campaign. They say he didn't focus America on domestic issues. Bollocks! The winning argument fell in his lap. You cannot convince me otherwise.

Breaking News

Drudge is at it again:

"Election 2004 has been rocked with first wave of exit polls which show Kerry competitive in key states, campaign and media sources tell DRUDGE.... National Election Pool -- representing six major news organization -- shows Kerry in striking distance -- with small lead -- in Florida and Ohio..."

Dennis Martinez

I might, just might, have voted for George Bush if he came out and campaigned on absolutely no issues and instead just moved from state to state, using his name "George Bush" set to the theme song from NBC Saturday morning's Hang Time:

"George Bush, hangin' together,
George Bush, puttin' it on the line,
Me n' my friends n' George Bush"

That would have taken real guts, guts like the girl on Hang Time with the unfortunately enormous nose needed to play with the guys.

Imagine Brokaw asking things like, "Mr. President, where were the weapons of mass destruction?" and Bush would answer "Gee, Tom, you know, um, 'George Bush, puttin' it on the line.'"

So Ace was right. I already voted. Didn't have school today since the professors are all stationed in Florida and Ohio, prepared to litigate the shit out of this election. My criminal law professor just filed a law suit against Al Roker for the bad weather in Ohio. When asked about the suit, Roker was unable to answer as he was masturbating to an advertisement for chocolate syrup. (Too soon?)

The polling place I voted at was a synogogue. I did see some "Gangs of New York"-style voter fraud as uncircumsized men would vote, then visit the resident moyle downstairs and then vote again as circumsized men. The old switcheroo.

So I'll try to keep posting some updates throughout the day.

I Miss Dean

Slack's election coverage continues...the first polls officially close in a little more than six hours, and then it's time to sit back on the couch and follow the hilarity on the teevee. Maybe Donnie and Bart Starbux will want to come on over tonight, so the three of us can sit around narrating the entire night in the guises of Keith Jackson, Tim McCarver, Dick Enberg, and hopefully even a special appearance from Michael McDonald ("Lisssssten baaaaby, ain't no vote too high, ain't no Bush too loooow"). Then maybe we'll act like a pubesecent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and ztickas.

I'm feeling very guilty today. Around the time of the primaries, everyone and their mother bought into the horribly crappy myth that Howard Dean wasn't "electable." I even bought that shit. Hook, line, and sinker, like the fuckin' NYPD cops in Die Hard with a Vengeance. He was my guy, he was our guy, he was a guy that energized just about everybody under 35 not already a member of the College Republicans. First it was the rolled up sleeves and the poor presidential presentation, and then, of course, the wheels came right the fuck off after The Scream. And then everybody abandoned ship, including my asshole self, and we're stuck with the douchie Democrat from Beantown, rather than the only "real thing" in the primaries.

But we're all idiots...again, including my fuckface (Billy Ripken) self. Instead of running a real anti-war candidate with more conservative tendencies than people give him credit for, the Democrats are running a candidate with more positions than the Kama Sutra and less conviction than a cranky child. If we were going to run an anti-war candidate, why not run the one that actually believed the war was the wrong decision? If we were going to run an anti-tax cuts for the rich candidate, why not run the one that actually believed those tax cuts were the wrong decision? This election was supposed to be a referendum of the president, and in some ways it still is. But many of the people who disagree with him on the two key issues of this election will vote for him anyway, because the alternative lacks a spine and will say whatever it takes to get elected. And in some ways, their absolutely right.

Bush's approval rating is in the shitter, but for lack of a better option, the election is still as tight as a high school freshman. But Dean was the anti-Bush, not just because he hated the president, but because he disagreed with him. His policies were polar opposites of the president's. And because of that, I am 100 percent firmly convinced that Dean would have run away with this election, earning at least 300 electoral votes in the process. If this election is so close with Kerry in the race, there's no doubt to me that Dean would have crushed the incumbent. What would be the knock? Too liberal? More liberal than Kerry, who was voted the most liberal member of the Senate? Not presidential enough? After the debates we saw how un-presidential the president can be, and he's doing fine. Dean woulda run away with it like the Real McCoy.

So partly because of me, but mostly because of the media's spin machine and the merciless Internets, we're faced with these two choices. Just unreal how the political and media machine works sometimes. And here's the epilogue to the whole surreal episode: The scream that killed Dean wasn't even a loud scream at all...in fact, from video shots taken at the rally, the scream could barely be heard over the raucous crowd. Talk about blown out of proportion. Ah, politics, you suck balls. I'm sorry, Howie D, I'm sorry!

Donnie's up, I hear he voted and he's ready to blooooog on Election Day.

Fill Me Up, Mr. M

That's right, it's Election Day...so remember to go vote if you're over 18. But if you're dead, or illegally out-of-state, or colored, or female, don't cast a ballot and a shadow of illegitimacy over this important election. What's that? Women and blacks can vote? OK, if you say so, chief...

The lawsuits are on their way to being filed, folks, that's a certainty. The magic has started already. According to the always reputable Drudge Report, votes were found on machines in Philadelphia before before the polls even opened: "Before voting even began in Philladelphia -- poll watchers found nearly 2000 votes already planted on machines scattered throughout downtown... One incident occurred at 2601 N. 11th St., Philadelphia, Pa: Ward 37, division 8... pollwatchers uncovered 4 machines with planted votes; one with over 200 and one with nearly 500... A second location, 1901 W. Girard Ave., Berean Institute, Philadelphia, Pa, had 300+ votes already on 2 machines at start of day... INCIDENT: 292 votes on machine at start of day; WARD/DIVISION: 7/7: ADDRESS: 122 W. Erie Ave., Roberto Clemente School, Philadelphia, Pa.; INCIDENT: 456 votes on machine at start of day; WARD/DIVISION: 12/3; ADDRESS: 5657 Chew Ave., storefront, Philadelphia, Pa... Developing..."

Can we have an actual election that doesn't revolve around this shit? Seriously, there are dark corners of Laos that have cleaner elections than the supposedly most advanced country in the world. We've got 90 international observers from 36 foreign countries monitoring some of our polling places, we've got people from this country making sure there's no voter intimidation, people making sure everyone can cast a proper ballot, people making sure P. Diddy shows up on cable news at least 11 times today...this is craisins, we've got more poll watchers today at elementary schools than at strip clubs. Where are the dominant male monkey mothafuckers when you need 'em, the guys who'll march right up to these dudes and say, "Well why don't you observe while I punch your fucking teeth down your throat?"

So remember to make Slack LaLane your home for all election news coverage, and stay tuned. Okay, that's just a yoke. But I'm sure we'll be posting today with some non-insightful commentary and breaking news from the field...

Above is your first, here's your second bit of election news (okay, that's also a yoke). That article has more to do with 300 children being bitten by 'blood sucking' monkeys at a famous Indian temple than our election. But the difference is negligible...

Oh, and go J-E-T-S, finally lookin' like the team I thought they'd be out of the shoot. Maybe it took a tough loss to the Pats and a high-profile game against the worst team in the league, but Herm finally got the team kicking on all cylinders. Two 100-yard rushers, what looked like the best offensive line in the league, a quick defense led by a dominating D-Line and speedy, young linebackers, decent special teams (but go FORWARD, Santana, FORWARD) and excellent play-calling by coordinators Hackett and Henderson. Six wins, one loss, and so far, not many bumps on the road to the Super Bowl...

Monday, November 01, 2004

Better Late...

Where the shit were these costume ideas when I was looking for something creative to wear? I woulda absolutely pooped in my panties if I saw someone dressed like any of these people...

Ah, good times. There's always next year.

Gettin' Antsy

I was talking to my grandpa this morning and he said, "Ho' snap. Shit's 'bout to go down tomorrow." And grandpa knows his shit. He actually voted for Polk and was a member of the Whig Party so he's seen his share of elections. But, as he swears, "He's never seen a sumbitch come down to the wire like this. Some motherfucka gon' be pissed as a motherfucka." Russert couldn't have said it better himself. Gramps told me to tell all of you that "you best get yo' lilly white ass to da' polls tomorrow. Chump don't vote. Chump can't bitch."

By the way, what happens to Russert after tomorrow (assuming, that is, that we actually know who our president is going to be and America's credibility won't resemble, say, Panama's)? He is kind of a "bear-like" animal, maybe he just goes into hibernation, passes Meet the Press over to Jim Miklashevski for a couple years and then re-emerges at mid-terms in 2006. Oh Russert! You sweet thing! Sleep tight!

I'm voting Acocella tomorrow and you should too.

--In other news, ex-Met firebrand Wally Backman is the new manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks. I read "The Bad Guys Won" this past summer. It's a look back on the lovable bunch of miscreant assbags that were the 1986 Mets. Apparently, Darryl Strawberry was fond of making fun of Wally's back, which was pockmarked from years of terrible acne (known as "back-ne"). Between golfclub-sized lines of coke, Straw liked to say things like "Nice back...man" and "Hey Zitboy." Congrats, Zitboy! The NL West is ripe for the taking. Take comfort in knowing that you are a major league manager and Straw is filled to the gills with Coke and some sort of grass fertilizer, living out of a halfway house in Tampa.

--My bocce ball team, "Bruce Bocce," won its inaugural match at the Floyd, NY Bocce Ball Tournament in Brooklyn yesterday. For any of you not familiar with "America's Other Pasttime," bocce ball is so amazingly difficult and requires such a high-level of honed and polished skill that a completely shitfaced hunchback with no prior bocce experience played on our team and we won (6-7, 7-1, 7-0). Think of the commitment! Way to go, Mike!