Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Any Given Wedding

You never think it can happen to you...until it does. Some hero foolishly schedules a wedding in January, and all of a sudden you're no longer watching your favorite team in the biggest game of the year. A solid investment of 960 minutes in 64 quarters of the season's 16 games yields nothing but a tuxedo, a hefty gift, round trip rides to and from Lawn Gisland and a yarmulke. Of all the time slots the Jets could play in this past weekend, the NFL just had to schedule them at 8 PM on Saturday. Of course.

After sweating out the entire game through text messages, phone calls, a trip to someone's car (where other goodies awaited, snoogins) and a family friend of the groom's portable radio, this was shaping up to be the Best Game I Never Saw. We celebrated wildly when the Jets apparently won, but Radio Guy was quick to note the flag down on the field: Eric Barton, you whore. We're going to ooooovertime. And I'm at a wedding.

The pictures that follow were taken my a very sneaky photojournalist posing as a wedding guest. Rather than re-tell the story of the last few seconds of the game in this here post, feel free to take a look for yourselves at what unfolded...

13 Comments:

At 8:51 AM, Blogger abby said...

Best sports recap on this blog yet.

Also funny..."a family friend of the groom's portable radio." Let me get this straight, the groom's portable radio had friends?

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Thanks Abby...I'm going mainstream.

Good point on my grammatical error -- still not sure how to say that properly, though. How's "a portable radio brought by a family friend of the groom?"

Yeah, that works better.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger abby said...

Don't worry, Ace. I frequently say, "My friend and I's private joke," or "my Dad and I's favorite movie," which is just downright dumb. Yours was not that bad. I was just being knitpicky, because I'm a woman.

 
At 9:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! Is that how I always look when I'm wasted?? Good God, why didn't anyone tell me? Ace, is that what you mean when you always say "dude you look like a fuckin douche when you're drunk?" I don't even really like football.. I guess johnnie does...
I guess johnnie does.

good times.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

My father is on the horn right now, trying to get a refund from that journalism school business. Damn that grammar...I got a C+ in that freshman year grammar-based class, but that was more due to a near fistfight witht he teacher. Now, THAT's a good story.

Ev, you look fiiiiine. Regardless, all that counts is that Johnnie Walker makes you feel fiiiiine...

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

Change of subject jones...

Has anybody spent an unusual amount of time in the past month re-ordering their "Worst Ways to Die" list? I mean- we know the obvious best ways to die:

1) Heart attack while getting laid (except that you'll be found dead and nekkid in bed, but it will be obvious that you were at least getting laid).

2) Heart attack while pooping (except that you'll be found dead and nekkid on the toilet and it will be obvious that you NEVER get laid).

But with all the recent talk about natural disasters, there has been some re-shuffling of the worst way to go list. In the past, I would have thought drowning (which would suck) or being buried alive (which would suck worse), however, with the recent addition of Tsunamis and Mud Slides to the equation, the combination of both drowning AND being buried alive has got to be the worst. New worst way to go list:

1) Mud Slide. Did you see the pictures of that town in California? I mean, they said they are using instruments to hear if anyone might still be breathing under there... Not to sound callus or nuthin, but I think I can save you some time...

2) Tsunami. And I know I'm going straight to hell for saying it, but just for the reason that it looks like you could so easily OUT RUN the damn thing... So not only are you getting dragged for miles before you drown, but now everyone thinks that you are an inferior athlete with the footspeed of (Insert Name of Really Slow Athlete Here).

3) Burning Alive. I mean, this one's obvious.

4) Any other way that includes crapping yourself before going. I mean, just the embarrassment of that alone. I can picture it now: "Well, we can bring you in to see your husband's body, but I gotta warn you, he shit himself right before he died and he smells pretty bad." Yeah that's what I want my wife's lasting memory to be...

 
At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AGU, I meeaaaan, why don't you just get your own blog?

"I'm giving the survey here, pal. Go give your own survey."

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

I mean- I'm just trying to help out here. What the hell are you doing? You think this thing is free? You think that you just get to come here, listen to Ace's story, while you laugh in your tiny little cube? You gotta pay to play here, pal, and I'm just trying to do my part.

Ace and I were discussing the obvious lack of participation of late, and you, my friend, are part of the problem. I mean, you can't even get a username (or pass).

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Wait, heart attack while pooping is on your best ways to die list? For real? That's a shitty way to go. HA! Damn, I'm funny.

I've always been afraid of being buried in the sand during low tide, and when high tide rolls in it drowns me. Is that a rational fear? That's how I would kill someone if I were to, say, kill someone. Takes a lot of time, and chances of being caught are great, but that seems like a good way to do it. I'm diabolical.

I think falling over a stadium wall, landing hard on the concrete, being rolled over by a steamroller and then have a marching band step all over me is close. "My father went the same way."

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

As you know, I really enjoy pooping- I like the alone time. The only way it could get better is if I was eating a sandwich at the same time...

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

And why didn't anyone tell me I'm the palest motherfucker in the country? I look like a Klansman. That's hot.

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

Beauty post, Bullet. I had four coffee-snorts on that one.

Reminds me of the the 1992 NLCS. Had to be at a play, but my friend was playing drums in the orchestra pit. He had a mini TV and flashed hand-signal scores to my brother an I. Brent loved it. I was offended. This was My Fair Lady, for God's sake!

-bux

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Bux is back, yaaaaay!

Am I, am I supposed to get scores with my penis?

 

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