Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I'd See These Guys

My friend Chuck is looking to join a band here in Manhattan, so he's been checking out some listings on Craigslist from time to time. Recently he found this ad, which is just too good not to post on here:

Looking for hermaphrodite for high concept art rock band called Rape!
Reply to: anon-54313764@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-03, 6:49PM EST

So heres the deal, its always been a great debate, are male artists better than female artists, are they equal in talent? Thats why I figure a hermaphrodite, simply put, someone born with male and female genitalia will be the perfect frontmanwoman for my new high concept band.

I have a vision, it is brilliant and we will all make millions.

Imagine 4 guys on the stage, all naked, and having sex with each other, not gay sex, but really straight hetero type of ass play. These guys should be talented enough to be simulataneously playing their instruments while fucking each other, which is genius because of the dual symbolism. Then imagine for the encore we put honey on their naked bodies and release 2 dogs, a horse and 3 monkeys to lick the honey off them, while the animals are being blown by really hot amputee women. All the while the band will keep playing, while either fucking, sucking, or getting blown, never missing a beat!

The hermaphrodite frontmanwoman will be at the center of this and will be dressed like an egyptian pharoa and instead of a microphone he/she will be using a bullhorn which will distort his/her voice so anything he/she says sounds cool. If you are not a hermaphrodite but are willing to castrate yourself, which has some benefits on vocal abilities anyways, than I will consider you for this project.

The name of the band is Rape and we are going to have the word Rape painted in pigs blood on everyone in the band. Audience participation is part of what will make this such a huge hit as by the end of our performance the entire club will be engulfed in an orgiastic frenzy that will be certain to impress Tommy Mottola and Clive Davis, whom I both have on speed dial, and it is not far fetched to say we will have a record deal withing 5-6 weeks of performing. There is serious label interest from all the majors, a massive record label bidding war is imminent. Not to mention the massive publishing deal and rights to the made for TV movie.

Don't miss this amazing opportunity to have an amazing career, this is going to be the biggest band of all time and you suckers dont even know whats coming!!!!


At 3:44 PM, Blogger ethan said...

ace, you better make good on that new year's resolution. don't look a gift horse in the mouth; here's some live music to be seen.

Rape! - the new phish.

At 3:53 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

i thought mulgrew said he wasnt posting til thursday?? what the fuck

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Ethan, if I had more time today that was my very introduction...but I botched it. Good lookin' out.

Poophop, that looks like an old post. Don't have time to read it. Manny sucks.

At 4:24 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

uhm no ass cowboy, i was simply implying that craigslist post sounds an awful lot like a mulgrew post, idiot stimpy

gay-rod swallows

At 4:30 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Oh. I get it now. That's actually pretty funny.

Jokes are awesome when you have to explain 'em.

At 4:45 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

yeah, was a little worried people would mistake it for me just being an idiot, rather than the comedic genius that i am

who's the best bet master like tonight in the toilet bowl??

At 5:30 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I suck at college...but I like: USC 20, Oklahoma 16.

At 5:35 PM, Blogger stephie said...

Awww now Ace, you know who I have my heart (not to mention pride and money) set on... Boomer Sooner! :-)

Oh, and I LOVE your band idea! If I were an amputee chick I'd be totally signing up!

At 6:35 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Sorry Stephie...good luck tonight.

At 12:13 AM, Blogger stephie said...

Oh, Ace... what a fucking blow. How and why don't even matter. I'm absolutely beyond consolation. Some people as you know pin their hopes on a team and sometimes ya lose. Oh, the agony... At least your dream band keeps me going. (insert diety) knows that I at least have 1/16 sense of humor or I'd probably commit harey carey (who gives a fuck about spelling?)

Love ya Ace.


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