Friday, January 07, 2005

Quick-Pick Snack Pack

No idea what I'm doing here, but somehow I picked three 'dogs this weekend. That's usually a playoffs no-no, but I actually feel pretty confident. Every game from here on out is a best bet, and we all know how the Ace Cowboy likes to fuck up the competition in the world of best bets. Basically, I will fuck you the fuck up. So now you know.

Everyone wants to be the guy who goes 11-0 in the playoffs, and I'm clearly (cleeeeearly) not going to be that guy...but here's my best attempt:

J-e-t-s (+7) over CHARGERS
I'm not sure how many ways I can say this: Rushing and Defense wins championships. Everyone says it, everyone knows it, everyone repeats it like a life-affirming mantra. Yet with one of the best one-two combos in the backfield and the league's second best scoring defense, the only thing getting less love than the Jets these days is my groinal area.

I like the Chargers, and I'll root for them to win it all if they beat the Jets this weekend...but that's just not going to happen. We're lookin' at a repeat of Week 2, folks, when the Jets severely outplayed the Bolts and Jon McGraw nearly knocked that mole off Brees' face (I know I've posted the Ace Cowboy/Drew Brees story before, but I just think it's too funny not to post here again -- it's a long post, so feel free to scroll down to the part about my nemesis).

Final score: Jets 26, Chargers 20

Rams (+4) over SEAHAWKS
Both teams are dreadful. "Dreadful, dreadful thugs" (Dr. Rod Randall, 1991). The Rams are usually successful at losing badly when I bet on them, but then again, the Seahawks have fucked The Uno in the ass so many times this season that he's beginning to leave shitstains all over our couches. So, you can't trust either team. And when in doubt, bet the 'dawg.

Final score: Rams 34, Seahawks 28

COLTS (-10) over Broncos
Never in my life have the words "lay the wood" been more appropo. Well, that's not true, there was one time when this girl was passed out in my bed after a party, and the phrase was appropriate there*. But it's also very true in this case. I mean, let's put it this way: If the line were 15, who would you take? 20? I'd need about three touchdowns to bet on Plummer and the Denver running back du jour (that's the Denver running back of the day -- mmmm, sounds good, I'll have some) to cover against this Colts offense in round one of the playoffs. So, just 10 points? I'll lay the wood. Big time.

(*What, you think Mulgrew's the only one who can joke about sexual assault? That's bullshit, I love rape jokes, I'm makin' rape jokes forever, bitch).

Final score: Colts 87, Mini-Ditka 2.

Vikings (+6) over PACKERS
The Pack just isn't that good this year. But the Vikings are worse, and in a weird way, it's almost like they want to be worse. This game isn't much better than the Rams/Seahawks game when it really comes down to it. With the Moss leaving early thing, and the cold weather thing, and some other factors, I just think everyone hates the Vikings so much this week that they should probably cover.

I'm goin' with the Law of Contrary Public Opinion on this one: "When everyone says one thing, I say bet the other way" (Ricky Roma, 1992).

Final score: Pack 31, Vikings 27

Good luck with you bets, Slackers...and for my close friends who will not be at this wedding with me on Saturday night (PEACE D, still time to run, baby), PLEASE text me the Jets scores in real time. I'll be TiVo-ing the game, but I don't expect to make it home without knowing the final score.

Go Green.


At 2:38 PM, Blogger ethan said...

the Law of Contrary Public Opinion - i always like this one. plus, it's sort of like how costanza got a job with the yanks.

At 2:54 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

Hire this man.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

Your analysis of the Jets/Chargers game isn't very good (biased?). While it's true that the Jets have a great one two punch with Rushing and scoring D, so so the Chargers. The Jets are 3rd in the league in rushing offense, and the Chargers are 6th, not a big difference. Total D is not that far off either, about a 30 ypg difference. Martin has more yards tham LT, but LT has more TDs. And while it's true that the Jets give up about 3 fewer points per game on D than the Bolts, the Chargers also score about SEVEN points more per game than the Jets. They also have the home field, and that is big in the playoffs, especially when the other team has to come all the way across the country. The Jets may well win, but the reasons you give are not very solid in my opinion.

At 3:43 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

JRH, welcome to Slack...home of the Jets bias. I am an unabashed Jets cheerleader, sans skimpy tights.

There is no such thing as logic when it comes to the green folks. So yeah, throw all the rational arguments you want my way, I'll just dismiss them as evidence of a half-baked intellect.

Everyone in the country needs to get off the Chargers' jock -- Jets win.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

YEAH! what that guy said!!! i'll be damned if i am just gonna sit here and let JRH be the only one heckling the cowgirl

he may not be a very good qb, but i'll be damned (didnt think i could use that twice in the span of a sentence huh) if theres another qb out there who can grow a kickass beard as good as jake the snake can, and that has to count for something. in no way (shape or form am i involved in any ni__erdom!) am i implying they will beat the horses or even cover, i just thought it should be brought to light

At 3:55 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

Yeah, I like that analysis much better than your first. I hadn't read enough of your posts to know for sure if you had a Jets bias, but I was pretty sure that that might be the catalyst for your analysis.

At 8:01 PM, Blogger stephie said...

Good call Ace... Rams 27 Seahawks 20 Tell Uno sorry his Seahawks fucked him again for me but that ball should have been caught in the endzone... I am a firm believer that if you can touch it you can catch it (as per Lance Rentzel of the Cowboys circa 1969 or so...). Of course I'm a girl and have never played football!

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

How bout them Jets?

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