Friday, January 14, 2005

Tilt

Just when you thought you'd seen the worst show on television, here comes ESPN's latest original program Tilt. Here's my extremely well-reasoned, uber-scholarly four-word review of last night's debut: This show sucks balls.

The only time I was even close to interested was the 10 seconds of actual poker they showed, or when I thought the Matador banged a 12-year-old girl, or when the Matador said, "When I run out of toilet paper, I wipe my ass with eight grand." Otherwise, this show is right up there with me not having a day off on Monday on my "Things That are the Terriblest" list. I'd rather watch this high school basketball game instead.

I mean, how does this show get made without a scene where Madsen dances around whilst slicing off an ear? Instead he throws a handful of peanuts at someone? That's lamer than FDR's legs. What, too soon?

In other news, the Pentagon today revealed a list of rejected chemical weapons it had been considering. According to the article, "Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an 'aphrodisiac' chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a 'distasteful but completely non-lethal' blow to morale, the proposal says." Click here for more bombing hilarity...

NFL Divisional Playoffs picks coming later today...

9 Comments:

At 10:09 AM, Blogger ethan said...

great review of tilt, winner of the prestigious "most contrived characters/scenes ever" award.

after that scene in the basement of the strip club where the two guys pull guns on each other, then utter the phrase "oh. my bad." i almost threw my miller high life threw the television.

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I wouldn't waste the Champagne of Beers on that gargage. Tilt was just unwatchable, some of the most trite dreck I've seen in a while. With all the shit that's on TV these days, it's a shame they can't find time to re-run old episodes of Newsradio or The State or Mr. Show or Dream On or First and Ten.

 
At 1:24 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

I know I'm off topic again, but F You. Just got this forwarded from a friend:

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/quiz/superhero_quiz.asp

So what kind of a superhero are you? I'm not a comic book guy, but apparently it's only Marvel Comics.

I was "ArchAngel," Carefree Mutant Millionaire Warren Worthington III. Have no idea who that is, but doesn't sound like a bad gig.

I also just got this weird feeling like we've done this before and I'm having deja vu. It must be a glitch in the Matrix.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger thebiglou said...

Hey Ace,

Long time listener, first time poster.

Ran across this article today and couldn't believe it

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=mg18524823.800&print=true

Watch out for the "gay bomb!!"

And more interestingly enough - how do they test that shiite?

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Good to have you...I will say though, that link was in the very post you commented on -- scroll up.

But thanks for lookin' out, keep it all comin'.

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger thebiglou said...

apparently I am also retarded - hope there is a place for the "special people" here

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Always, dude, it's okay.

I used to wear velcro sneakers for a few years, so I'm clearly "challenged" in some capacity.

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Apparently I am the gayest superhero known to man: The Human Torch. My human name is Johnny Storm (insert joke about being the name of a porn star here:______) and I am the hothead (pun intended and extremely stupid) of the Fantastic Four, often impetuous and immature. I also have a knack for tormenting and chasing my teammate "The Thing".

I always knew there was a reason as to why I never read an entire comic book from cover to cover. Aside from being completely homoerotic, the stories are fucking dumb. However, if we are talking about a little Hentai porn, that's a different story.......

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I got Mr. Fantastic...but I prefer to go by Mr. Bombastic -- screw Shaggy, that's me.

 

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