Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Burn, Baby, Burn

I don't hit women that often, but I really thought about punching this girl right in the tits this morning.

So I'm in my office building's cafeteria just before 9 am, buttering my toasted bagel at the condiment island/salad bar in the middle of the main room. I've got the Greyboy Allstars funkin' and jazzin' it up on the earpieces, so I'm fairly oblivious to the world and really can't hear shit.

From behind me I hear this girl, maybe my age, give or take a year or two, say something like "I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning." I turn around to see what the problem is, and while she is clearly making that strained "I'm in pain, but I'm okay because I'm in public" face, I can't see any coffee spilling from her plastic cup.

Keep in mind, I'm at this condiment island having just finished buttering my bagel, and this thing is probably 12 feet long and four or five feet wide (the island, not the bagel). This fuckin' strumpet could have easily stepped right around me and put her hot-ass coffee down on this monstrosity of marble, but instead she just stood there yelling "I'm burning" repeatedly. So now I turn around fully, and ask, "Are you okay?"

In obvious pain, she finally steps around me and puts her coffee down ('cuz coffee is for closers only). And then this bitch looks at me and says to me she says "Well, you were still standing right in front of me," meaning that even though I turned to see if she was okay, I didn't allow her a path to the 48-square fucking feet of table space directly in front of her. I so desperately wanted to yell right back at her "Well, you were still standing right behind me, stankbox!"

Instead I laughed heartily in her face, shook my head slowly and gave a silent prayer to the Almighty God of Vicious Handburns that she may be afflicted with pain today. Perhaps this wasn't explained properly, and perhaps you need a diagram of what the cafeteria looks like, but this was quite a funny way to kick off the morning.

The funniest part of the whole episode is, though, she'll be cursing me all morning for not getting out of her way following the "I'm burning" call, and I'll be laughing all day long at the thought of her scalded right hand. Score one for the Ace Cowboy.

An unrelated note: In honor of "The Trio" officially announcing a Jazzfest nighttime gig, I invite (nay, I implore) all of you to listen to their version of Roundabout from Mike "Uncle Cactus" Gordon's first performance with the Benevento/Russo Duo at moe.down on 9/4/04. Do it. Do it.


At 12:29 PM, Blogger ethan said...

the word strumpet! yes!

along with "broad", "dame", and (my personal favorite) "skirt", strumpet is a female-referencing-word i throw around as often as possible, though clearly it has more negative implications and can't be used as much as the other 3.

now, stankbox is a new one to me. and i like it already. i think i shall henceforth label anyone who interupts me during bagel time "stankbox", meaning our cat oscar will be getting renamed every morning around 8.

At 12:41 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

holy shit balls, the Q (classic rock radio station in nyc) just played bouncin round the room, craisins

broad is my personal fav as well

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Strumpet's a great word, I used it last night referring to my friend's girlfriend. I'm pretty sure it literally translates to "prostitute," but it's great to use in the same category as "broad" and "dame."

Stankbox is new to me, just came out in that fit of brief rage (well, there was no rage, but fit of annoyance). I'm not sure I've ever used that word before, and if I have, it wasn't a conscious choice of diction on my part. Feel free to re-name the cat.

The Q is playin' Phish now, eh? Does this mean we're getting old, or does it mean Phish hung it up too soon? Either way, the thought of turning on the radio and hearing Bouncin' kinda bums me out.

Good thing I don't ever listen to the radio (best advantage of not owning a car, IMO).

At 3:03 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

I made $970,000 last year. How much do you make? You see you cooze, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Hot hands, I don't give a shit. No 93% recycled paper cup holder, f you. Go home and get some gloves. You wanna set the cup down, move laterally. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you tartlet?

At 3:49 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Col. Zebra, that's a fucking hysterical parody right there. You just made my rainy day...

That scene (the real one, not the one about Strumpet Coffeeburns) is among the greatest five minutes in cinema history, no exaggeration.

Nice guy? I don't give a damn. Good father? Fuck you, go home and play with your kids.

Awesome. Baldwin shoulda won a Best Supporting Oscar for that scene, and I'm not joking in the slightest. Sure it was just five minutes, but as Slaterson rightfully points out, "It's quality, man, not quantity."

At 7:41 PM, Blogger ahren said...

so, when trey (who's slated to play the fairgrounds the next day) sits in with mike and the duo, can we refer to this band as phish II or phish lite or phish N/A? will page and fish feel sad? was this mike and trey's way of letting them down easy?

At 10:11 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Whoooa, I didn't even put two and two together...If I were a betting man, I'd bet that Mike would rather chew his nuts off than allow Trey to play with him and the Duo. But I'm sure they'll end up on stage together.

Meanwhile, how sickkkkk and disgusting would a Phish + The Duo new band be? I mean, if they truly meshed, which I expect they would as their all studied musicians, I'd quit my job and follow them wherever they went.

Imagine combining the two drummers ala the Dead, put Page on the piano and keys and Marco on the organ ala the Band, and let Trey and Mike just rip. that could honestly be the sickest band of all time.

And I call it: Phish Plus.


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