Wednesday, February 09, 2005

D-Bags of the Day

Curt Schilling
The Pats are "the Yankees of the NFL, but without being greedy bastards" this asshat says? Dude, you're a loudmouth, obnoxious, camera-loving attention-slut, so please you tubby bitch, keep your mouth shut. I seriously can't wait until opening day when Sheff slams a line drive off your fucking face.

I've done such a 180 on this pudgy fucker -- I used to think he was a cool guy, like Billy Zane, talking to the media like a regular fan, a student of the game, blah blah blah. But now this pile of dogshit is showing his true colors, and I think even Boston is getting tired of his self-serving antics. You call New Yorkers obnoxious, Curt, but every time you open your big mouth you make New Yorkers look that much better by comparison. Keep talkin', ya sock-fetish freak, you'll eventually get yours.

And by the way, Col. Revisionist, the 1996-2000 Yanks weren't greedy, they weren't loud, they weren't even flashy, they were more similar to the Pats dynasty than your own championship squad from this year (talk about obnoxious). Everyone forgets that those Yanks, who were one of the greatest teams in sports history, were mostly homegrown or adopted Bombers except for a few pitchers and players, and their greed at the time was no worse than any other team in the majors then. It's amazing that people forget the recent past so easily. Goddamn, Schilling will pay.

The Media Campaign Against Jose Canseco
So the big man says he injected steroids into Golden Boy McGwire and watched McGwire and Dead-To-Me Giambi inject each other. And the media is up in arms! Wait, for real, why isn't Canseco as credible as a guy who all of a sudden hit 70 homeruns while admitting to taking a since-banned substance and a player whose statistics plunged after a disease which may or may not be linked to his knowing steroid use? I don't get it.

Maybe he is lying about some of the other things in this book, but the pundits are lining up to discredit this guy on behalf of two guys who admitted to taking illegal substances to help their performance. I don't know who to believe, and I don't know what this will mean for the game -- frankly I really don't care. But surely we can let the man speak and make our own judgment as to whether we believe him or not, right? Right? Isn't this how it's supposed to work in America?

Now, the jury is still out on some of his other claims: We may never know if Raffy, Pudge and Juan Gone are guilty, nor if they all had the complicit support of then-owner George W. Bush. And if he's lying about them that's pretty fucked up. But even if he is just trying to make a buck, and even if he is breaking the code of ethics, who's to say he isn't telling the truth?

(And also, why is it that everyone in the media and fans across the country line up to bash Barry's HR record, but McGwire's gotten away with this squeaky clean image? I don't wanna play the race card, because I'm whiter than a ghost drinkin' milk, but that shit just seems a little fishy to me...)

Speaking of the President
I love this story for some many reasons:

While talking with audience participants, President Bush met Mary Mornin, a woman in her late fifties who told the president she was a divorced mother of three, including a "mentally challenged" son.

MS. MORNIN: ...because I work three jobs and I feel like I contribute.
PRESIDENT: You work three jobs?
MS. MORNIN: Three jobs, yes.
PRESIDENT: Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that. (Applause.) Get any sleep? (Laughter.)

I love that! Not only is the president sort of laughing at this woman's troubles, but he sounds almost proud about calling it "uniquely American" to hold three jobs at once. "Europeans are lazy, we work all the time, fuck you and your six weeks of vacation, Europe." But my absolute favorite part about this little exchange is that yes, it is an "Only in America" situation where a woman approaching 60 years old with three kids, one of whom is handicapped, has to work three fucking jobs just to make ends meet. Unreal stuff. Need some wood?

And finally: Virginia State House of Delegates
The House voted 60-34 for his bill, which would impose a $50 fine on anyone whose boxers, briefs or thongs peek above their pants or skirts.

"It's not an attack on baggy pants," said Delegate Algie T. Howell Jr., Norfolk Democrat. "To vote for this bill would be a vote for character, to uplift your community and to do something good not only for the state of Virginia, but for this entire country."

Overload, overload, many bells and whistles going off in my head, I can't even think straight. Uplift this, Mr. Howell, pulling your pants up is not going to contribute anything positive to Virginia, it's also not going to do anything to strengthen this country. With all the shit that's wrong in these United States, and all the shit that's wrong in the state of Virginia (I'm sure), this is what we choose to legislate? Awesome.

I'm unofficially done with this post, but just for the hell of it, because I can't stop singing it today:
Show me that smile again (Show me that smile)
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’
We're nowhere near the end (nowhere near)
The best is ready to begin.


At 12:34 PM, Blogger Sox1918 said...

i don't know which i would prefer...that fat fuck having an awful tear in his arm rendering him unable to pitch or him being the goat in the next chapter of the rivalry.

maybe i would prefer him getting wacked by some dude in the bronx walking out of the stadium...

At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

how are you not talking about this:

she is the hottest teacher ever

At 12:48 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Sox, you the man...if Schill gets capped, I know where to direct the police.

And yes, everyone in America is talking about the hottie teacher/teen thing, but I'm not sure how to handle it -- I mean, it's hot as shit, and I'm certainly gonna go home and beat off to the thought me being this kid, but I'm still weirded out by the fact that if the genders were reversed this would be an outrage and an abomination and people would be calling for castration. I haven't heard anyone suggest a cliterectomy. This kid will still be fucked up because of this, regardless of whether he's hailed as a hero right now or not. Anyway, I'll shut up with that shit, because it makes me look "like a fag." So to over-compensate, let me just say, "I'd fuck her and shoot it in her hair."

At 1:42 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

Ace -


- Mulgrew

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Mulgrew -

Hurry it up!

-Ace McNabb

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

From the point of view of a Sox fan:

Now, as much as I love what Curt did this past year and how thankful I am for it, he needs to shut the fuck up. The ankle, the Yankees, the history, blah blah blah. Curt, we know what happened, what odds you overcame, how God lifted you to a higher ground and now you are next in line to be canonized. That's great, now move on.

All I can think of is the press conference with him after the whole "ankle" thing and all he kept talking about was how awesome he is for doing what he did. He's always first in line to defend himself and his teammates, but he does not ever offer praise anyone else (sans God) before praising himself. He's a great pitcher, and now because of what he did he is trying to expand his horizons by supporting Bush in Ohio and just plain spew his mouth off about anything he feels like.

In the Boston area, there has been a big Fuck You Curt going on because during the NFL playoffs, he was wearing his Steelers jersey and talking about the Pats as not being the ones to beat them. He did this using the local media and it outraged people. I can understand him being a fan of the Steelers, just like Brady is a fan of the Yankees, but don't go around flapping your gums about the city you play for and your anti-support for them. Brady wears a Yanks hat, but that's it. He never says anything about it. And since then, he starts calling the Pats a "Dynasty" and making all these comparisons. Fuck you Curt, we don't need you to tell us what we already know, especially since you were on the other side of the ball 2 weeks ago.

So, yeah, that's where I stand.

At 2:37 PM, Blogger ahren said...

ok, i'll bite-- what exactly is wrong with a lady working three jobs to support herself and her kids? it is uniquely american and it does rule. having the latitude to be resourceful and self-sufficient is a great thing. i'd rather work 20 hours/day, 7 hours/week than have my life rest outside of my own domain upon some social safety net.

don't get me wrong-- i think the situation was hilarious and our president is a douchebag... especially since he didn't just answer, "well, maybe if you had less kids, you could have less jobs"

also, "dead-to-me giambi" is funny.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

I'm pretty sick of Schilling myself. As for Cancesco's book, I'm not sure how this is even news. Like the Balco trial and it's revelations about Bonds and Giambi, all I can say is you're kidding? These guys were on steroids? Who knew? Wow, if we had only known that sooner, we wouldn't have been forced to cheer for them those several years. Now that the truth has finally come out, we can give these guys the trashing they deserve. Jesus, shut up everyone, all this is is slightly more evidence of something that was already pretty much assumed anyway, how does this make the situation any different?

At 7:50 PM, Blogger Dorsey said...

God bless Matty Mac. Dude, you are the first Sox fan I haven't had the burning desire to piss on, shit on, or otherwise curb since one of your boys hit me in the head with a coke bottle at Fenway last April (I was seated in the bleachers quietly, by the way... though I may or may not have been spotted wearing a Donnie Baseball t-shirt. Poor etiquette, I know).

Ace, you are so on target about Schilling. I had crazy respect for the man, both as a pitcher and "one of the good guys" in professional sports... even after he joined the Sox, even after he shut us down a few times in the regular season, and even more so after he used one foot to stomp on our throats in Game 6 at the Stadium. And then I had the serious misfortune of listening to his postgame press conference rant, not to mention all the ass comments since.

It's painfully obvious that Schilling never quite grasped the concept of humility (he also happened to miss a lesson in manhood - fucking crybaby, sobbing like a bitch after a regular season game - but that's another story for another day). He could have been the coolest dude on the planet had he not attempted to shove in America's face what every baseball fan with a pulse already knew about his performance in Game 6. It was unfuckingparalleled heroicism as far as pro sports go. But he couldn't help but talk about himself afterwards. Curt loves the attention.

I'll tell you what should be getting more attention than anything that comes out of this ass clown's mouth. The fact that there's even an ounce of dislike for this guy in Massholechussets, when you consider how many lives he changed for the better literally from now until forever. It's unreal to me.

By the way, did anyone else notice the precious picture of pedro and his shaved pits on the back cover of some of today's local tabloids? Homo.

At 7:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get real dudes. You hate Schilling cuz he kicked your butts. He did what he set out to do-win the World Series and break a curse. I'll agree he is arrogant, but so is the typical New Yorker.

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I'll give you that we did what he set out to do...but I'd be very hesitant to agree he kicked our butts -- in fact, in much the same way he took us later in the Series, we kicked his ass in Game 1.

And every person from Boston I've met is just as arrogant, lately even more so, as any NY'er I know.

At 9:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on man. Bottom line is we all know the outcome and how it all came down.

Matty Mac doesn't appear arrogant, although maybe he is a politican-quite diplomatic in his comments.

Boston fans appear arrogant these days cuz they have a mighty good reason to be.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Dorsey said...

No one's downplaying Schilling's accomplishments in '04. To do so would be silly. I'm a huge Yanks fan, but trust me, I'm not in denail about what happened last season. The Red Sox beat the Yanks, Schilling was a big part of that, the Red Sox are awesome, all hail Papi. Now I'll puke.

But let's get something straight, buddy. Schilling isn't arrogant, he's a fuckface (see Billy Ripken's knob). And there's a big difference. He's one of those guys I'm supposed to hate simply because he beat us (in much the same way the Mets fan base hates Jeter), not because he's a first class asshole. I revered the man when he wrote his "Letter to America" following 9/11. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he and RJ butted heads in Arizona. I found his desire to join the Boston-NY rivalry heartwarming, I swear. But then came the postseason comments, and now the post-postseason comments. And then his comments about Pedro Martinez (granted, another ass bag) after ol' pube head gave 8 great years to Boston. And then his comments about A-Rod. The guy is so beyond arrogant. He's an egomaniac to the point that I now question whether his letter in '01 was truly sincere or driven by a desire to see his words in every god damn periodical across the country.

And you're right, I am arrogant. What fan wouldn't be after seeing their team pimp slap their rival repeatedly for the better part of a century? As much as you think you'll ride the glory of '04 til the end of time, the Red Sox are once again just 1 of 30 teams come April 1st. And if they don't win it again this season, they fall right back into the "just another team" category with all the others. So seriously, enjoy the next few weeks. Throw back a few at Casken Fagen if you get the chance. I have a very good feeling the beer there will never again taste so good.

Ah men.

At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting. I knew I'd get someone riled up.
After all these years, we win the World Series, and it eats you up. You just can't let us bask in it for once.

Long live the rivalry....buddy.

At 1:01 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Well, do you wanna bask in it or shove it in everyone's face? You guys are a lot like the little brother that lost 100 games of driveway hoops, only to win once and parade around the house all night talking about your greatness. It's obnoxious and you look silly. I was happy for Sawx fans at first (see my post the night of Game 7), but any one of 'em who calls NY'ers sore winners and arrogant will get nooo sympathy from Ace.

And way to hide behind the Anonymous your face, ya goddamn Papi-blower.

At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys are so easy.

I think you'll be name is Audrey. Does that make a difference?

At 3:49 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

It DOES make a difference: in all future reference to you, I shall use the pronoun "she".

And I'm not easy. I really thought Uncle Eugene would give me a lolipop if I did what he said.


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