Monday, February 28, 2005

Five Awards After the Awards

I'm a bit busy on this glorious Monday, so I'm gonna hand out some hardware quickly and quietly:

Red carpet conversation of the night:

Star Jones Reynolds (I love adding the last last name) interviewed Oprah on the red carpet before the show. I found the transcript, in case you missed it:

Oprah: "Hmmm, girl, you look good, child."
Star: "No, child, you look better."
Oprah: "Uh uh, girlfriend, you got your thing goin'."
Star: "Hmmm hmmm, girl, child go child."
Oprah: "Child, girl, please."

(And did Star Jones Reynolds not realize you can see orca-sized whale fat coming out the back of her dress? And that woman had some serious titbags comin out of the front.)

One-liner of the night:

Chris Rock's monologue was good; seen better. But he was perfect for the Oscars for the intros, including the Salma Hayek/Pene-lope Cruz "four presenters" zinger. And here was his best:

"Ladies and gentleman, comedy superstar Jeremy Irons."

The funniest part about it was that Irons proceded to bring the house down on an unscripted joke after what sounded like a gunshot. I fucking love Jeremy Irons. Hook. Line. Sinkah.

Weirdest moment of the night:

In one of the Non-Stage Peon Awards, the always sexy Scarlett Johansson reported the winners of the Science and Technology Oscars and the network aired snippets of their speeches.

First of all, the Academy seemed to give the award for inventing the crane to separate winners, and one guy I think even accepted the award on behalf of the crane. More importantly, the first three dudes all had thick French accents, as if movie technology were born over there. AGU and I wanted the French theme to continue, as it was fun, but the final award winner was a guy who looked more Japanese than the cast of Gung Ho's great grandparents. And then he broke out a perfect American accent like Pat Morita (is there an American accent?). Strange doings in Hollywood and France.

Non-fluid exchange of the night:

Ace: Is every commercial on television either about penis enhancement or ugly cell phone overage charges?

AGU: I like penises.

Excellent work.

Mersh of the night:

Did anyone else tune into ABC right before the Oscars, catching the one-minute Olay face cream commercial? Well, Lisa McDowell was in it. Coming to America's Lisa McDowell was on TV last night! I have a date with Lisa!

I was psyched about picking her out. That is all.


At 1:13 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

See, it's funny cause it's true. I do love penises... And take my word for it- the exchange was both hysterical and really, really awkward.

And confused calls from my Girlfriend to begin in 5...4...3...2...1

At 1:46 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

that was good stuff on the jeremy irons thing, who knew this guy had improv skills, sign him up for whose line is it anyway

and my new fav mersh is the coca cola one with the black guy playin hoops and his dad comes over with a grocery bag, schools him and before ya know it the son is scratching his head holding said grocery bag. nothing like a good warm coke after u take someone to school, goes down smooth

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Speaking of Whose Line, like 50 billion commercials had Colin Mochrie and the dude from Drew Carey's show that played Jethro and the next door neighbor in Office Space. As AGU pointed out, "What's this, Friends of Drew Carey Night?"

My new favorite mersh outside of last night is for the Allstate Alumni 3-on-3 tournament. They have the guys re-enacting the Duke/Laettner play against Kentucky in the Tourney, right down to their celebrations (including Thomas Hill crying like a baby with his arms behind his head). And then Coach K runs out of the bush and starts celebrating with them. Clasico di Roma Four Cheese sauce.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:07 AM, Blogger John Howard said...

I love Coming to America. Recently the part where he jumps up at the basketball game and says "In de face" is stuck in my head, but I think that's just because I read the transcipt of Kobe's police interview.

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Always funny, John. Eriq LaSalle at his finest.

"Hello, Babar."

At 9:57 AM, Blogger John Howard said...

I liked Samuel L. Jackson as the stick up guy.


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