Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Downhill From Here

The best part about every fantasy baseball season is the draft, which I'm sure I've noted here before. There's just something special about nine guys you went to college with sitting around a room for six to eight hours talking baseball, watching basketball and eating, in this case, the terriblest pizza in Manhattan. It's something special allright: the action fast-paced and nonstop, the interaction intense, the air thick with tension and cockiness and cannibis, the jokes flying faster than Ron Albertson's "You remember my wife Sheila from previous bills..." barrage outside the auditions for Red, White and Blaine.

Our commissioner tried unsuccessfully to procure an amateur stripper/hooker, but we surprisingly got no response from this CraigsList post: "Need nude model for 5 hours of assistance in premier Soho fantasy baseball draft on Saturday March 26th at 1 pm. Nice and fun atmosphere...alcohol and food will be provided. Services will include serving drinks and standing naked while filling out names on draft board while players are selected. Must have limited baseball knowledge and good sense of humor." [Ad]

My favorite part about that is "limited baseball knowledge." If we somehow found and hired a college-aged stripper/hooker with any baseball knowledge whatsoever, I'd marry her on the spot. If there are two things I love unconditionally, it's baseball and hookers. But I digest...

Stripper-less, we started the draft. I had the second overall pick, and when Mitchell VergerDartz III took Albert Pujols with the number one pick, I happily selected Alex Rodriguez, who may hit .475 with 85 homers this year after the motivation Boston gave him in the offseason. I followed that pick with AL-to-NL, Leo Mazzone-coached Tim Hudson at 19 and Roy Oswalt on the way back up at 22. Couldn't be happier about that start. Solid start.

I tried to concentrate on pitchers and infielders, as the talent pools at those individual positions are generally more shallow than in the outfield. So I didn't take an outfielder until the ninth round, when I put an end to a great social injustice by picking Brian Giles, five rounds later than when someone jumped the gun on his younger brother Marcus. You see, Brian is clearly the better Giles (I bet even their parents would admit that). But because Marcus is a second baseman, and there's a shortage of quality second basemen, he's more valuable to someone's fantasy team than his clearly better brother. As I said on draft day, "I don't want to live in a world where Marcus Giles is taken before Brian." It's the very reason fantasy baseball makes no sense.

As the draft progressed I added the ageless Steve Finley and the incomparably disappointing Pat Burrell to the outfield. Then I waited until the very late rounds and put Operation Draft Every Young Rising Star Outfielder That May Be Great Or May Suck Balls into full effect. So for the final two starting outfield slots, I drafted Cleveland's Grady Sizemore, Toronto's Alex Rios, Seattle's Jeremy Reed and Oakland's Nick Swisher. And I make this promise to you, right here and now: By season's end, two of these guys will finish one and two in the AL Rookie of the Year voting. Mark those palabras, ese.

Without further (Freddy) ado, I present to you Even Wider Slider:

C Joe Mauer, Johnny Estrada
1B Carlos Delgado
3B A-Rod
Corner Troy Glaus
2B Ron Belliard
SS Michael Young
Middle Carlos Guillen
OF Brian Giles, Steve Finley, Pat Burrell and two of the four young stars mentioned above
DH Lyle Overbay

Other two young outfielders who don't start, Nick Johnson, Matt LeCroy, Aaron Miles

Nine starting pitchers (and my five interchangeable bench arms)
Tim Hudson, Roy Oswalt, John Smoltz, Francisco Cordero, CC Sabathia, Jaret Wright, Kevin Brown, Kris and Anna Benson, Scott Kazmir (Jeremy Affeldt, Mike Adams, Randy Wolf, Huston Street and Zach Day)

Let's go get 'em EWS...this is the year.

And now, several numbered unrelated items for you:

1. Allow me to boast for one second...My brackets aren't great. They're not all that good. Two of my Final Four teams were gone well before the weekend and the left side of my sheet is filled with X's. But, for the first time in my history on this planet, I selected a perfect regional bracket. That's right, the Syracuse bracket (with #1 seed UNC advancing) was all mine: perfection.

All eight first-round games, including Bucknell over Kansas, all four second-round games, including Wisconsin over UConn, both regional semifinals and then the UNC over Wisco call. Fifteen games, 15 wins. You don't see that every day. I don't mean to sound like Rikki Lake, but "You go, girl."

2. Deadwood (cocksucker) has started a little slow this season, but it's still riveting. When the Doc isn't jamming a metal rod up Al Swerengen's pee-hole, the storyline is building and the characters are starting to show their cards. I have to hand it to the producers, though: They added the all-time greatest That Guy -- Ned Ryerson/Werner Brandis/Sammy Jankis -- to the cast. I can't tell you how awesome it is to see That Guy escaping his 19th century garb to be bathed by a whore and yell "Your titttttties" before diving into the cleavage of this young "cunt." Have you ever imagined what it would be like to see Ned Ryerson get head in a bathtub? Look no further, Deadwood at your service. You should be watching this show.

3. Luke Donald blew it. He blew it! The Players' Championship was virtually rained out this weekend, but they finally had themselves a winner after yesterday's 95 holes in windy and wet conditions. Northwestern's own Luke Donald shot a final-round 76 (which wasn't so bad for the final round, 16 players failed to break 80), relinquishing the third-round lead to finish tied for second. I mean, the guy's still gonna collect $600,000 for a weekend of work, and he's made $1.3 million since the start of this year, but I selfishly want to be able to say I sat next to a TPC winner in The Italian Diaspora class junior year.

Hoobs and I thought this class was going to be all Puzo novels and The Godfather. Instead it sucked big time. The only redeeming quality was the time our I-tal immigrant professor declared "Dwarves are malicious people" in all seriousness before asking "What, you do not have that stereotype in the United States?" That, and the time when Luke Donald was called on in class and he gave his answer with a British accent. I looked at Hoobs puzzled. "This guy is fucking British?" This was spring quarter junior year and I had no idea the best college golfer in the country that lived down the street was British. Lymie fuckface.

4. I've had many Google and Yahoo! visitors come to Slack lately looking for "Mila Kunis Oklahoma State." It makes sense, as in the past couple weeks I mentioned Kunis in a Family Guy post and Oklahoma State in my college hoops posts. But what are these people looking for? What's the impetus behind all these searches? Anyone? Help.

That is all at this time.


At 10:46 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

man, comments are hard to post today... anyway, another golden moment from that italian diaspora class was when our friend (read: disgusting guy we knew who lived upstairs) left a note under the door asking ace and i to tell the professor he couldn't come to class because he had a case of "diarreedha." hilarious.

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Comments are fuckin' hard indeed...sorry bout that, but you get what you pay for. Free, eh?

Now that I think about it, the other funny thing from that class was the kid who literally pulled off the "I was gonna say France" SNL thing (unintentionally). The teacher asked a question, gave the answer, and then this douche raises his hand and says, "I was gonna say [answer]." I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like that.

Dwarves are malicious people.

At 12:15 PM, Blogger hoobs said...

totally forgot that guy. all we needed was an ellen cleghorn to chime in with "who came up with that name, europe?"

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Bart Starbux said...

Lots of fodder for posting here, like the fact that THAT GUY portrayed B.J. McQueen in Alien Fury: Countdown to Invasion. There's nothing better than a THAT GUY finally getting his own starring role in a completely shitty project. Wouldn't you love to see his agent talking him into this?

"Say goodbye to Ned Ryerson, baby! If you're not too busy next week, I've booked you a ticket on the fast track. You wanted to headline? You got it, baby! Yeah, you know who loves ya! Wait'll Bruckheimer gets a load of you as B.J. McQueen, he'll have you making out with Portman in magic hour in no time! They'll be lining up down Wilshire to suck you off. I'm going to have to buy you another dick just for the producers, baby!"

At 12:39 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I'm going to have to buy you another dick just for the producers, baby!"

I hope someone says this to me one day. I can only pray.

At 3:50 AM, Blogger Grant Hutchins said...

Mila Kunis played a game on Celebrity Poker on E! wearing an Oklahoma State shirt. I can't really figure out why. The best I can come up with is that I think she dated Macaulay Culkin (who is also in the game) and Culkin recently got arrested for pot possession in Oklahoma. Maybe the two of them were visiting a friend at Oklahoma State?

I searched because I am in Oklahoma and it was a bit of a surprise.


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