Thursday, March 31, 2005

Not Alone in Death

I hate to put something on top of Donnie's Schiavo/Tube post, because that's just awesome stuff right there...

But Mitch Hedberg died this week -- maybe last night, maybe before, nobody really knows just yet. It also hasn't been confirmed by too many people, but it's starting to come out. Howard Stern broke the story this morning, and now Comedy Central is carrying it as well. I thought it might have been a pre-April Fool's Day hoax, but now it appears to be true.

Anyway, if you haven't seen this guy do stand-up or heard his act, you truly missed out. I never saw him live, but he cracked my shit up any time I saw him on TV. In honor of Hedberg's passing, here are some of my favorite bits:

--I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. (Since he overdosed, this one may not be that funny anymore).

--I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

--I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

--I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

--Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

And lastly, one of my favorites:
--When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish...the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths, and they're hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.

7 Comments:

At 2:30 PM, Blogger Wooglin said...

This isn't a Mitch Hedberg piece but it is a fantastic joke that I heard the other day.

A pedophile visits a park and goes up to a little boy and says, "Hey, little boy. I'll give you this piece of candy if you get in my car."
The little boy responds, "If you give me the whole bag, I'll let you cum on my face."

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Such a sad day. Mitch was the man. I have a bunch of his cd's and dvd's. I'm setting up a memorial when I get home.

"Excuse, but do you sell coke in a glass harmonica?"

"Last week I helped my friend stay put, it's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just stood there and made sure he didn't start to load shit into a truck."

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Jeez, Woogie, that's another brutally hilarious joke. This site's full of 'em today.

Matty, I love that "stay put" routine. This guy was a talented motherbitch. But I'm sure he died the way he wanted to, having fun on lots of drugs.

 
At 3:28 PM, Anonymous Spanish Miguel said...

I saw Mitch Hedberg opening for Wendy Liebman back in high school, though never knew his name, and thus, referred to him as the guy with hair in his face.

seriously hilarious. Had me cracking up talking about rotisserie chicken and ¨I like my chicken dizzy!¨ or something.

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Bella said...

I may have caught him on CC at one point in time. That last one had me rollin. Pretty fuckin funny.

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Yeah, and he's got a whole slew of awesome bits that I didn't put up there (obviously). I always thought he was one-part Seinfeld, one-part Stephen Wright.

If someone had to die, why couldn't it have been Elayne Boozler. She's not funny at all.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

I never heard of the guy, but if you're Seinfeld/Steven Wright comparison is accurate, then I'm sorry I missed him. Those are two hilarious people.

I plan to live forever...so far, so good.

 

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