Thursday, March 03, 2005


I'm watching the Yankees take on the Pirates on ESPN right now, first Spring Training game of the year for the Bombers. Could I be any happier? I could try, but I would not be successful.

In honor of Yogi Berra and Bill Dickey, here are 8 things I'm thinkin' about as I watch this and don't do any work:

1. Tanyon Sturtze is going to be a big part of the Yanks' pitching staff this season. He's not just going to be a long reliever or a spot starter, he's going to be a full-fledged starter by July or August. And he's gonna be good. Plus, I love the fact that he looks like a combination of John Rocker and Bill Paxton after getting stung by a handful of Africanized bees (that's racist to bees everywhere). Six up, six down in his two innings of work.

2. Jason Giambi looks like he's got a lot of extra neck fat right now. When I called Donnie to tell him the game was on and that Giambi has a lot of neck fat, he said:"That's what happens when you stop taking the juice, you get lots of neck fat." Good call, Donald Fiedler.

3. Something about seeing Tino Martinez in pinstripes gets my motor running. I was at Tino's last game in Pinstripes (Game 5 of the botched 2001 W.S. -- the Brosius game) and I'd love to be at his first game back at the Stadium. His performance with the Yankees, save his subpar 2000 campaign, was both steady and excellent. Not sure those adjectives can work in conjunction with each other, but it's as true as can be. Just look at his stats with the Yanks, and also keep in mind his defense is sexy.

4. Hideki Matsui really might make a run at the AL MVP Award this season. He improved in just about every offensive category in his second season last year, and all signs point to continued improvement. I'm putting him down for 162 games of consistent defense in left field to go along with his .312 batting average, 110 runs scored, 38 homeruns and 118 RBI. Slipples for all!

5. While we're talking bold predictions, let's take a look at Randy Johnson's Ace-projected stats for the upcoming season: 25-3, 1.74 ERA, 248 strikeouts, 16 complete games and 9 shutouts. I've never been more excited about a New Guy than I am about the Large Unit.

5a. By the way, if Randy's numbers look familiar to any Yankee or baseball fans, they're Ron Guidry's ridiculously amazing 1978 stats, one of the more underrated pitching seasons in baseball history.

6. I mean, who wouldn't make like a circus seal and fellate the hell out of Derek Jeter? I said Goddamn. Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn.

7. My Larry King-ism of the day: Officer Tony Womack could end up being a decent signing.

8. I'm pretty optimistic about the upcoming season. Why wouldn't I be? We won more games than anyone in the AL last year (101) and added Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright, maybe a healthy Jason Giambi, plus we upgraded out lefties out of the bullpen and shored up the defense with Tino back at first. We're talking 105 wins this season, unless we collapse.

Many of my fellow Yankee fans are clucking that the sky is falling -- or has fallen -- but I don't see it. All I see is another trip to the postseason and our first World Champion pennant in five seasons. I'm currently reading The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty and it troubles me greatly. But as I watch a little bit of this game, I feel like I'm watching the first warm-up game for the first day of the next dynasty.

Slipples for all, I say, slipples for all.


At 4:40 PM, Blogger ethan said...

this post give me an erection, right up to #7. tony womack kills me, and my hard-on.

otherwise, ace, i'm right with you. i can't wait for opening day. i love how super-dad trot nixon is sitting vs. the unit. that's some good shit right there.

At 5:20 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

You know I was opposed to the Tony Womack signing...but let's wait and see. Sorry to give you a hard-on and not get you off.

"The least you can do is jack me off or something." --Guy who almost bangs Rollergirl in the limo while Jack is filming and then gets his ass kicked

At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Greg said...

Tanya Sturtze... hahahahaha.... enjoy!

At 1:52 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Just you wait, Greg, just you wait. Sturtze is gonna be filthy this year, and Bonds is gonna die of sudden heart failure.

My prognostication skills are incredible...


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