Friday, April 15, 2005

Hey...It's Enrico Palazzo

By now everyone has formulated their own opinion of last night's severely overblown non-event. As always, I'll throw in my two pennies. Here's my elementary six-point analysis:

1. The idiot fan didn't throw a punch or anything, I'll concede that, but he did take a weird and unnecessary swipe at Sheff. He was clearly wrong, but not totally to blame.
2. The Hitler-'stached bohemoth was not wrong to react the way he did, as many of us would have done the same. Not me, though, I'm a total pussy. I would have cried to the ump.
3. Sheff showed excellent restraint by not cold-clocking the fan after confronting him. Anyone who disagrees with that needs to re-watch the tape.
4. That fan sucks and should be wicked banned from the pahk...he looked like he was gonna pee his pants ala Miles Davis when Sheff came back at him. But once the security guard hopped in between them he started to talk trash. Total d-bag move.
5. The security guard that hopped in between the two men should be promoted and fellated by a gaggle of fine ladies. He's the MVP. The MVP. Talkin' 'bout practice.
6. The man and woman that spilled their beers on Sheff...I agree that was an accident, the beers spilled in the heat of the moment. But it was the bottom of the 8th inning, and I doubt any ballpark in this day and age sells beer after the 6th inning, or the latest, the seventh inning stretch. So I think those people got called out on national television for nursing their beers. C'mon, ya pussies, drink it. That's what happens when you nurse a beer, people bump into you and you spill. Take it from me, I'm Captain Nurse. Wait, that nickname sucks.

But the main problem I have with the Sheff/Fan controversy is that the night's craisins-ness overshadowed one of the funniest games I've seen in a long time. Well, the first five innings at least. Pure hilarity.

It all started in the second inning, when one of the Yankees lined a pitch into the lower level stands in right field along the first base line. The ball was caught by a lucky fan with a glove that made an incredible catch...and upon further review, that fan turned out to be Doug Flutie. Rumor has it the diminutive quarterback sold the ball to his son for $300, or what his son thought the going price of the ball would be. OK, that's just a terrible yoke. Who's comin' to hell with me? I got dibs on top bunk.

But then the fun really started in the fourth, and at about that time, home plate Greg Gibson probably started to wish he never got out of bed yesterday morning. This guy proceded to pull off one of the greatest imitations of all time, tranforming himself into Frank Drebin/Enrico Palazzo with two outs in the top of the seventh trying to stave off the Queen's assassination.

Gibson/Drebin had been calling terrible balls and strikes all game up to that point, but then it escalated. With the bases loaded and two outs, Gary Sheffield clearly got fooled by an Arroyo off-speed pitch that crossed right over the heart of the plate. Strike three. Not so fast, my friend. Ball four, take your base, run scores and Matsui coming up. This was the point in the Naked Gun where Angels pitcher Dave Spiwack throws a strike right down the middle, Drebin/Palazzo calls it a ball and the manager looks on in disbelief before incredulously yelling, "Ball?" Well that was the Sawx reaction, and it was justified. Francona & Co. were just puzzled.

Out of nowhere, Gibson/Drebin tosses someone on the bench out of the game, which drives Francona out of the dugout to ask who it was that got thrown out. Turns out it was the Sawx hitting coach, Unknown Black Guy. Francona starts screaming, not necessarily the best health-related decision for someone with a serious heart defect that was discharged from the hospital just days earlier. Unknown Black Guy comes out and starts flashing what can only be construed as gang signs, points to the ump, points to himself, flashes more signs and ultimately storms off. I'm in tears I'm laughing so hard.

Back to baseball, where Slipples Matsui knocks in two runs, followed by a bloop single from the A-Rod Machine that scored another. 5-4 Yanks, even though the Yanks should have been down 4-1 (although the first base ump got on his knees and blew a call on Womack's lead-off at-bat, so it all evens out I guess).

Throughout the next half-inning, the ump starts blowing balls and strikes calls against Randy Johnson and the Yanks, and Torre takes time out from his nose-picking schedule to glare at Gibson/Drebin. Finally, the glares work, and the Yanks get a called strike at the knees (I can't remember who was hitting), which draws some ire from the Sawx bench again. Francona can't believe it at this point, so he starts to come out of the dugout...

In the major leagues, you cannot argue balls and strikes by rule. Unknown Black Guy already paid that price. So when Francona leapt out of the dugout, Gibson/Drebin had seen enough. He starts to make the motion of throwing Francona out and then aborts the move...he balked! He looks at Francona and says, "Are you comin' out to argue balls and strikes?" Francona nods affirmatively and Gibson/Drebin immediately throws him out, but not before the Sawx manager gets his money's worth. I'm sure Unknown Black Guy, some Zocor and an Asian massage waited for him in the home clubhouse.

I've probably seen thousands of baseball games at every level in my life, and I've never seen such a poor game called by a home plate umpire. He easily missed 10-15 obvious calls. And he knew it, because every close pitch after that inning was called a strike, which either received derisive cheers from Sawx fans or angry boos when the Sawx were hitting. What an incredibly funny game for a while. All that was missing was Mel Allen saying, "Now it appears the umpires have Crishone in a rundown."

Then it turned to shit. Did you even hear the score of the game this morning? No, it was all Sheffield, all the time. Crap.

In a side note to the game, I'm currently writing a letter to the Diamondbacks customer service representatives. It apeears our purchase of one Big Unit was damaged in shipping.


At 11:45 AM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

wow, very well said

i only have this to add about the guy who took the mysterious swipe at sheff, the 1st time i watched it it looked like the guy took a swipe to get the ball, not to hit sheff, its really hard to tell from the camera shot whether he was trying to hit him or go for the ball, but i would obviously not be surprised if he was attempting a cheapy. thank god sheff did not retaliate, the fantasy reprecussions to my team would have been no bueno

u failed to mention the hilarity about gayrod saving a kids life, when douche face kay said it i thought he was joking at first, as if to say gayrod could save a kids life on newbury street and people would still hate him, oopsies, kudos bar to u gayrod, now i wish only a quick and painless death to u

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Personally, I think the guy was trying to knock his hat off. His arm didn't go low enough to look like he was reaching for the ball, but it also didn't look like he tried to punch him. So I'm goin' with "weird and unnecessary swipe."

The A-Rod story is hysterical. So many jokes. I can't believe it's a real story. But I saw the kid and his mom interviewed on TV and apparently it's totally legit, A-Rod really saved this kid's life. Apparently the kid is a Yankee fan though, living in Martha's Vineyard -- I'm sure he gets his ass kicked all the time.

Joke #1: A-Rod did it because Mariano couldn't make the save.

Joke #2: [Insert error joke here]

The other ridiculous Yankee-related note is that we go to Baltimore tonight. That means the Yanks will have played 12 games by Sunday -- six against the Sawx and six against the O's. Ummmm, excuse me, do you mind scheduling some other teams every now and again? Can I see a team other than these asshats? Holy jeez.

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Jacob Eli said...

I think that clearly the guy who hit Sheffield was doing it on purpose, but the stupidest thing about it was he seems to have thought that no one would notice! He kinda leaned his shoulder in while still hanging over the fence and bumped Sheff on the head...I mean if you touch a player who is on the playing field you gotta know better than to think you're gonna get away with it. Now as for the beer that got spilled on Sheff, I watched it a few times in slo-mo and I really think that was on purpose as well. Clearly Captain Nursalot was sick of his warm beer and blatantly just dumped it on Sheff as soon as he turned around to see what hit him. I was shocked, however, that they didn't hold Ortiz at third base and call it a ground-rule double however. A fan of the home team blatantly interfered with play, and there was a no-call!!?? How does Joe Torre not argue that one?

Secondly, stop referring to Papa Jack (Ron Jackson) as "Unknown Black Guy"! That dude rules.

At 2:24 PM, Anonymous SpanishMiguel said...

We just got the video over in the Iberian Peninsula, and I can tell you Artest definitely hit that guy on purpose.

At 2:56 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

A few notes from a Sox fan here:

1) Ace - I agree 100% with you on all you said. The fan was a moron/douchebag and punches like a girl (if what he was doing was actually punching, but I don't think so), Sheff acted as anyone would and he showed great constraint and professionalism, and the security guard should become head of Homeland Security.

2) I was at the game and sat 4 rows behind home plate. It was one of the WORST umpired games in the history of baseball. In one inning the strike zone was 4'x4', and the next inning it was 4"x4". Utterly atrocious. Both the Unit and Arroyo got screwed on many occasions.

3) The Unit's slider is the nastiest pitch I have ever seen in person. The thing just bites over the plate.

4) Someone should tell Tom Gordon that you don't have to throw every pitch 95 mph and directly over the plate. I blame him for the whole Sheff/douchebag-fan thing, but I also thank him for pitching like that too.

5) I sat about 10 seats over from Johnny Damon's new wife, and it's safe to say that she may be the hottest woman on the planet. She could shit out a gold nugget and I wouldn't be surprised.

6) The whole Ron Jackson/Terry Francona getting tossed thing was hysterical. Ron Jackson is about a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier than Enrico the ump. I think he was tossed because Enrico was afraid for his life.

At 2:57 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

And one more thing: Fenway stops serving beer after the 6th inning. They were definitely nursing. I think one was spilled by accident, the other I am not so sure of.

Sorry, another thing. Kevin Millar threw me a ball. I should have thrown it back at him.

At 3:06 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Papa Jack getting tossed was hysterical...and I'm not exaggerating, I definitely saw some gang signs being flashed (although The Boston Firekid tells me he's a gentle giant off the field).

Agreed on all points, fellas. Funny how Yanks and Sawx fans came together on this one...I like the Slack spirit of objective discussion.

Spanish Miguel, didn't this clip just seem boring after watching the whole Italian soccer/flares fiasco?

I must reiterate I'm pissed that this event took place, it definitely took away from the hilarity of the umpiring.

Damon's new wife can eat me. Hot or not, she's married to a first-rate d-bag.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

I saw the gang signs in question and he was definitely flashing 5 fingers on one hand and 3 fingers on another. From which I can only conclude that Papa Jack running with the Van Buren Boys - which is interesting cause I thought he was in deep with the Pug Uglies --they're from the old country.

At 3:30 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

The Van Buren Boys are fuckin' tough. They even tried to get a new initiate to steal Morty Seinfeld's wallet!

I can't believe I missed the VBB joke in the gang signs graf. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Good pick up, Zebra.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

Great line about the Director of Homeland Security. That guy clearly deserves the biggest raise ever...

I have to admit that I'd never seen a pic of Damon's wife, but upon reading your review, I decided to google it up. This is what I found:

Not the most flattering picture, I would assume. Please tell me she looked better than that in person!


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