Monday, April 11, 2005

Round Balls

We'll get to the Masters in just a second...but first, there's this under-reported story that Donnie and I were screaming about yesterday:

Giambi broke Pavano! That fat fuck fucking broke Pavano's fucking cranium! What a dipshit!

While you may have heard that Carl Pavano got drilled in the head by a Melvin Mora comebacker yesterday, you might not have heard why it happened, unless you were watching the game. With a man on first and no outs in the top of the third, Mora popped one into foul territory by the first base bag, a routine play for anyone above the age of seven with no history of vertigo and/or blindness. You honestly could have been in a Hawkings-chair and made the play easily. An armless schoolgirl most likely makes that play.

Giambi, however, sucks serious bullocks and predictably dropped the can of corn. Next pitch, you guessed it, a lined shot off Pavano's oversized noggin that forced him to leave the game and check into the emergency room. Even worse, now there's speed on the corners and no outs, instead of just Brian Roberts (this one is for you) on first with one out. Exit the dazed Pavano, enter bee-stung-lookin' Sturtzey into a shitty situation...Yanks exit any chance of winning this game and the three-game series against the O's. Fuckin' Giambi. I'd rather have Tino's defense than Ruben's offense any day of the week and especially this Sunday.

After the O's broke it open in that inning, I flipped over the Mets/Braves game for good. If you missed the Smoltz/Gaydro duel yesterday, you really missed out on what may actually turn out to be the best pitchers' duel of the season. Smoltz just mowing down Mets hitters left and right, striking every single starter out at least once, racking up 15 total through a little more than 7 innings on the day. Pedro matched him in brilliance, allowing only two hits in a complete game win. This thing was really a thing of beauty. But it's a crying fucking shame that my Even Wider Slider squad didn't get the Smoltzy win. Crap. Crapmunchers.

Last note about beisbol: When the Red Sawx get their new and exciting jewelry today, keep this pic in mind.

And then there was the Masters...what's left to be said that you haven't heard already? Nothing. Not a thing. The chip on 16, lovely. The bogeys on the last two holes, awesome. The playoff hole final putt, exhilirating. We all know it. My only real original thought on this whole thing is -- why all the hate for Tiger? Why do people not like Tiger Woods? I'd honestly like to hear it in the comments why you dislike this dude.

One friend compared him to Kobe -- calculated, robotic, shows no emotions, assrapey, whatever. I couldn't disagree more. When Tiger's involved, everyone knows it. There's a buzz on the course. You can feel it in the air. Everyone gets to a TV for the final round Sunday and all the spectators on the course follow him around. He gives any tourney instant credibility. He gives the players on the final round leaderboard a feeling deep inside their loins, and then they either elevate their game or shrink from the challenge.

But no personality? C'mon, he shows more emotion on the course than ANYBODY else out there, and this is not debateable. He constantly throws out the fist pumps and the air uppercuts. He curses very loudly when he messes up, almost to a flaw (and an indecency fine by the gov't). He shows so much emotion out there, and then everybody forgets and says he's a robot. Sure, he may not give the best interviews after the tourneys are over, but neither did MJ and neither did Gretzky after their games.

I love the underdog too, and I rooted for DiMarco at times. But I'll never understand the blind Tiger-hating. It's petty jealousy and insecurity at its finest. So stop it willya, you just look more foolish than a golfer in plaid pants. Recognize greatness and appreciate talent. You're watching history, enjoy it.

The Slack LaLane Luke Donald Watch: Third place finish, five under par after two ridiculous eagles on 13 and 15 and an impressive birdie on 16. That's good enough for $406,000, bringing his 2005 earnings so far up to $1.77 million. That totally skews the Northwestern '01 grads' average annual income statistics, no? I don't make quite that much. Close. (By the way, there was a Google/Slack search for "Luke Donald naked" last week...far out, man).

Another great Sunday in the wide world of sports. I can't take much more of this, I need to get outside once in a while.


At 12:57 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

No matter if you love Tiger, like I do, or hate him, you have to click here and then click on "Outtakes". Un-friggin-believable. I don't know why he's hated and I certainly wouldn't put him in the category with Kobe the Rapist. He golfs for a living and takes it seriously. Are people jealous? Maybe. BUt should he be hated? I don't think so. You have to respect the Tiger. He's the reason why I started golfing regularly and why I play Playstation 30 hours a week.

Oh, and his wife's pretty hot too.

Took the day off to watch the ring ceremony and opening day, ass-grabbing or not. I too blame Giambi for fucking my fantasy team and only starter I had going yesterday. Bastard.

At 1:22 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

You're absolutely right about Tiger, there's no reason to hate the guy. Maybe people are just racists.

At 1:37 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Allrighty, the Tiger love is back. And yes, I left out the fact that his wife is hot as a half-fucked fox in a forest fire.

Imagine smoochin' that after winning a green jacket and another million bucks.

At 1:45 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

Imagine smoochin' that after winning a green jacket and another million bucks, ON WEED!!

i dont get the tiger bashing either, i love the guy, and without him, i would rarely watch a golfing event

what hurts more, what pavano got, or a bare fist punch from tyson in his prime right to the nose??

At 2:03 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

"During back waxing, Varitek gamely took the pain, but Millar was more demonstrative, biting down on a wooden application stick and then his pillow."

Best. Line. Ever.

I'll bet he was biting pillows...

At 2:33 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

I really can't understand why people hate Tiger either. I mean in golf you'd have to guess the one most obvious reason, especially in a tournament like the Masters. It's such a shame. Not only is he really good, he's really emotional, and has a very hot wife. What more could you ask for in a super star?

At 2:35 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I'd bet the ball off Pavano's head hurts more than a Tyson gloved punch to the nose...but I'm not willing to step in front of either to find out.

Millahhh bites pillows? Great news.

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

Mariano Rivera just got a standing ovation during the lineup announcements at Fenway. He was laughing his ass off. Good stuff.

Millar does bite pillows, but wouldn't you for a couple a mil a year? He's a donkey, I must admit. But he always provides some great quotes.


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