Friday, April 22, 2005

Sports Sports Sports Sports

The NFL Draft is tomorrow. Normally this is my favorite day of the year next to Opening Day, but this year the Gods decided to make Passover on the same day as the draft.

So instead of the Ace Cowboy reclining on the couch all day long in his boxers with a constantly packed bong and a million cigarettes, I'll be doing all those things but remaining sober enough to get on a train after a few hours to go home to the Gisland (despite the fact that I'm a heathen that doesn't believe in religion). Actually, now that I think about it, this development won't affect my day at all. If there's one thing I'm better than anyone at, it's being stoned in front of my family and other people of import. A decade of practice made perfect.

This year's draft is going to be memorable, as nobody knows who the best player is, nobody knows who is going to be selected first, nobody even really wants the number one pick, and none of the pundits have a clue what they're talking about (although if you wanna read a good mock draft, Dr. Z to the rescue). If I were San Fran and Miami at #1 and #2, I'd trade for more picks and get the hell out of Dodge.

If I'm the GM of the team with the #1 pick, I'm taking either Michigan WR Braylon Edwards, former USC WR Mike Williams or Auburn RB Ronnie Brown. Those are three can't-miss prospects, whereas the top two QBs on the board being bandied about are garbage. Auburn's Jason Campbell and Akron's Charlie Frye will be better pro QBs than Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers, you can mark those palabras.

The J-E-T-S stunned all their fans this week by trading their first-round pick (#26) and a seventh-rounder for Oakland tight end Doug Jolley, a second round pick (#47) and two sixth-rounders (#182 and #185). And to that I say, "Great move." Slow clap for the underrated move. Now we had a legit NFL tight end (maybe) and two picks in the second round where we can pick up some defensive backs and linemen. This is a draft that is deeper than it is stacked, and I salute Terry Bradway for realizing that fact.

I know I sound like an idiot sometimes (sometimes?), but the Jets have made INCREDIBLE moves so far this offseason, and as our rookies and free agents from last year grow with defensive coordinator Donnie Henderson and new offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger, we're gonna go on a serious run. You want some more palabras to mark? We're going to win the fucking Super Bowl this year. Yeah, I said it.

Either way, this is going to be an unscripted draft like we haven't seen in years. Trades, surprise picks, Kiper's hair, Boomer's tired shtick...I can't wait.

The NBA Playoffs also kick off this Saturday. And let me be the first to say, "Who the fuck cares?" This league is trash, and while I admit it is getting much better than in years past, it's still garbage. I watch the playoffs and I follow the sport, but I don't understand for the life of me how this sport is fun to watch and hockey sucks. The NHL Playoffs are only about 1,000 times more exciting than the NBA's.

But, I'll give my predictions for the first round anyway:

The East
1 Miami over 8 New Jersey, 4-2
I love watching this New Jersey team, but they're out of gas after that incredible run to the playoffs. Plus, the Heat swept the season series 3-0 by an average margin of 21 points.

2 Detroit over 7 Philly, 4-1
So it's official, Chris Webber sucks, right? I like Philly...when I look back at the last decade of the NBA, I'll remember how fucking awesome it was to watch A-I play basketball. Guy's five-foot nuthin', a hundred and nuthin', and he dominates. Dominate.

6 Indiana over 3 Boston, 4-2
Obviously, I despise Boston. I have nothing against the Celtics really, as I kinda hated the Knicks growing up, but I really detest Boston. The 80s band is awesome (Foreplay > Long Time is one of the best tunes ever), but the city is atrocious. Let's move on.

4 Chicago over 5 Washington, 4-2
The Bulls are easily the coolest team in the league not named the Nets, Nuggets or Suns. And any team that features both the Mazda "zoom zoom" kid all grown up playing point guard and a head coach that still gets the adjectives "gritty, gutty" gets my support.

The West
1 Phoenix over 8 Memphis, 4-0
How cool are the Suns? Seriously, how cool are the Suns? Nash, Amare, Marion, Q, some role players...they're not losing. They should sweep easily.

7 Denver over 2 San Antonio, 4-3
Yeah, I see it happening. Denver's just been way too good in the second half of the season while San Antonio has show me nothing. Maybe they have shown me nothing because I don't watch NBA games regularly, but that's a discussion for another time. I'm not sold on Melo, but I love any team Marcus Camby plays for.

3 Seattle over 6 Sacramento, 4-1
You have to root for the Sonics in this series, you just have to. They're a European basketball team playing in a sports city that might as well not exist to us East Coasters. As Donnie Fiedler likes to say, "Do you really know anything about the Seahwaks or Sonics?" The answer is no. that's enough to root this team on.

4 Dallas over 5 Houston, 4-1
So this must be Planet Hooston. The Mavs are so much better than the Rockets it's scary. No contest. The only reason they won't sweep is because T-Mac is the greatest player of all time.

Let's get our sports on this weekend, Slackers. But before that, I'm going to see a Phish cover band tonight, Phix. If anyone wants to meet up, it's about 11 pm tonight at the Lion's Den. Gonna be a good time. Full report on Monday (hey, don't roll your eyes at that).

Have a great weekend, ya jackasses.


At 4:01 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Jakey Zeebs and the younger of the Handstands' of Cranford will be going to see Bobby Weir tomorrow night. Fingers crossed for Minglewood Blues. . . .I believe Billy has his crossed for Corrina.

At 4:13 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

The real Ace Cowboy, eh? Where's Ratdog playin'? Loves me some Bobby and loves me some short shorts.

Considering Minglewood is one of my favorite songs of any band in history, I'm hoping you get it, man. I love any song that glorifies pedophilia.

I'm sure you'll get a "Oh yes and it's T for New York City, where the little girls know what to do..."

At 4:32 PM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

Hey Ace, not sure if the first comment I wrote actually did post. As far as the Jets go, Bradway has been right on! I totally agree with what you said about his actions this offseason. What this means is that Herman Edwards has a great team to lead, and it's now his job to make them perform--no more passing on the blame.

As far as Phix goes, I will be heading there tonight. If you've got AIM, im me at offpeak34 and maybe we can try and meet up, smoke a big before the show.

At 4:52 PM, Blogger jakezebra said...

Orpheum - Boston. Short shorts will definitley be on display, judging from pics of previous shows.
I was born in the desert, raised in a Liger's den ....

At 4:59 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Have fun, Zeebs...gosh.

At 5:14 PM, Blogger poophopanonymous22 said...

i actually agree with your statement of the jets winning the super bowl, if by jets u mean patriots or any other team in the league besides the jets. how many horrible predictions are u allowed before u are tarred and feathered, (testes, testes)1, 2...3?? stop hating on boston, douche

At 5:42 PM, Blogger 'Thought & Humor' said...

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At 9:33 PM, Blogger Don Fiedler said...

Nothing ever happens on Mars. No supersonic airplanes, no flashy cars. The sun goes up. The sun goes down. You can't go to the country, you can't go to town.

Keep on ascendin' on,

Quiescent Don

At 6:04 PM, Blogger Matty Mac said...

thanks for the defense on Boston poophop. Don't hate the people or the players, just hate the laundry. Not sure if that Jolly trade is really all that it's cracked up to be. But the Jets are moving on up, I must admit. The run for the Superbowl goes through New England, for your sale let's hope the Jets don't trip over their shoelaces on the way.


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