Friday, April 22, 2005

V-Card Mary

We're living in a theocracy. Well, we might not be quite there yet, but we're close. I'm thinkin' that by the end of the decade, three-quarters of our country will be as ridiculously devout as the Muslims we lovingly refer to as extremists. Part of me really believes that.

First, the growing army of zealots flocked to the polls on November. Then they butted into the Schiavo Family Circus, and now they're coming in droves from miles away to see a fucking salt stain that may or may not resemble the Virgin Mary on the wall of an expressway underpass in Chicago.

The nuts are gathering. They're kneeling with rosary beads, they're praying together, they're leaving flowers and candles...Basically, they're delusional. My friends, my nutbar friends, it's a stain, a gross, unsanitary fucking stain on the grimy wall of an underpass that homeless Chicagoans piss on daily. A stain!

My question is: Who are the people that take off work and go view this thing? Just like, who are the people that took vacation days and pulled their kids out of school to go down to the hospice where Schiavo was idling?

Say, Mr. Boss, I know I just took a week's vacation to hold up signs threatening the life of a highly respected judge while trying to help re-insert a tube into a woman I've never met, but there's a big stain on a wall in Chicago that may be the image of the Virgin Mary...so I'm gonna need another couple of days to go and check that out. Thanks, and God bless.

I'd like to be the millionth customer to say, "You're all fuckin' nuts."

[ed. note: There's a movie or a TV show where the character looks at everybody and says "You're all fuckin' nuts" before walking out of the room, and I feel like it's Nicholson but I'm not really sure. Can anyone help me out? What is that from? I can see it so clearly and I'm drawing a total blank.]

15 Comments:

At 9:43 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

That stupid stain keeps screwing up my commute. All these peoples just standing around under the Fullerton off ramp, staring at nothing. And now it's even worse. A shanty town of people selling souvenirs has sprung up (a la Timmy O'Toole on the Simpsons), the local restaurants have all taken carts of food down there.
Just ridiculous.

Remember though that the right lost on Schiavo. One of the cool things about democracy is that when stupid ideas get wide exposure the tend to be discounted. This country used to be a lot more Christian than it is now, although I think people forget that occasionally. The reason it seems worse is that those that have been converted to reason, (or even Easter/Christmas Christianity, which I find non-threatening) were already moderates, so all that is left now are fundamentalists. They're louder, but that's all that they are.

So don't panic.

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

all i know is that blue collar t.v. is the highest rated show on comedy central. i find that more depressing and aggravating than anything else. the terrorists have definitely won.

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

So they have one little show on one little cable network, with the Libertarian South Park sometimes leading in (or following, although I haven't has cable for a while so I'm not sure if this is still the case. Even if they're on different nights now, they still will attract a similar audience to the network). Big deal. W

e have Deadwood, CYE, The shield, Nip/Tuck, and a bunch of other highly rates and highly regarded shows that, if viewed in the south, cause mass jaw dropping and stool loosening.

I'm more worried about network TV's catering to stupid people.

I will, however start to get worried if Stupid and Right merge, perhaps with a show in which Jeff Foxworthy hosts a show in which hillbillies eat disgusting things like horse anuses (is the plural of anus, ani?) while being critiqued by Simon Cowell.

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

my problem with blue collar tv is not so much that it caters to the hillbilly right, but that it just is not funny. at least stupid tv holds you attention in some way...by the way, i've often thought of becoming a golf club.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

CNN this morning did a live shot from the scene, and there were HUNDREDS of people at the VM Stain. People from Wisconsin, people from Schaumburg, people saying their relatives were on the way from Injunana and other states. That just scares me, that's all really. All I'm sayin'.

Also, I don't think the right lost per se on Schiavo...in fact, I think they picked up a lot of supporters that couldn't believe this poor girl was left to die. Well, maybe they lost the same number of people that couldn't believe these nutbars really exist and are this crazy. Either way, I don't think the religious right lost at all.

Hoobs, New Guy Noonan, you're both missing the point here -- what fucking movie or TV show is "You're all fucking nuts" from? C'mon people, please help, this is killing me (Smalls).

--Spalding

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger offpeak34 said...

Let's not forget about the grilled cheese with the Virgin Mary that went for a couple thousand on eBay. We live in a country of fundamentalists. It's scary.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Comedy Central and Blue Collar TV aside, I’m pretty sure that right and stupid have already merged in some circles (PC disclaimer). But maybe Hoobs is right about the terrorists having already won, because 9/11 was definitely the glue that sealed the deal. Either that or the human race just has an inherent and collective need to take two steps back for every one step forward.

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

My point was oringinally only that I hate stupid people staring at nothing for screwing up my commute, in which case I'm in total agreement.

I just think that Schaivo was a defeat for the right. Sure they may have picked up a few people, but those that they picked up probably would have gone that way anyway.

Everything after that, I agree, misses the point, because I was responding to Hoobs. Sorry about that.

And us Noonan folk always appreciate the Caddyshack. So thanks for that.

Can't place the fucking nuts quote though. Homer said it without the "Fucking" on the Simpsons. You can listen to it here:

http://www.rpi.edu/~markhn/sounds.simpsons.html

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

After many consultations, I figured it out myself. Took me a few hours of work time, but I got it.

Some of you may see this as a letdown, but I LOVE this movie.

After Roy "Tin Cup" McAvoy shoots an 83 in the opening round, he chips a ball out of a restaurant and knocks a pelican off his perch more than 100 yards away over the water. He wins the bet, he basically wins Rene Russo from Don Johnson too.

And Johnson turns and says, "You're all fuckin' nuts." And there it is...

A weight has been lifted off these shoulders. Maybe you were expecting more, and this may be anti-climactic, but I feel good.

Now you suckers can get back to debating religion, which always works out in the end with no fights.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

And yes, I omitted the the grilled cheese story...to me that falls in a different cateogry than this. This is people traveling to see a giant stain.

Anyone can bid for anything on eBay without leaving their home...these people are much crazier.

And thanks for the try, Noonan. Although I think that would be a big story if Homer Simpson said "fuckin," I'd probably have no trouble remembering that.

Eye of the tiger, mouth of a teamster.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger ethan said...

ace, i too am a big tin cup fan.
gotta love when he asks rene russo for a mulligan in the sack.

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger John Howard said...

That thing looks like a pussy. I'm still lost as to what they think is the Virgin Mary in there. At least in that sandwich I could make out something that could possibly be a face.

 
At 1:31 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Looks like a pussy, John? Damn, I should go hump the Virgin Mary.

And, Ethan, Rene Russo is smokin in that flick. No boobs shot like Thomas Crown Affair (another seveeeeerely underrated flick), but still hot.

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger Wooglin said...

Damn right JRH. My first thought was, "Jesus. That thing just looks like a huge vagina."

Maybe its the Virgin Mary's vagina though. (I'm an aethiest so uttering that carry's a lot less danger for me than for the rest of you god-fearin folk.)

 
At 11:53 PM, Blogger DannyNoonan said...

I totally new that was from Tin Cup but I didn't read the post until you already figured it out. Tin Cup rules. It's probably the second best comedy about Golf ever. Second most quotable too. I only got one rule. And that's never bet money that you don't have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.

 

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