One of the main failures of the Central Intelligence Agency in assessing the real threat to the United States before 9/11 and in accurately assessing whether Iraq had weapons of mass destruction was on the lack of quality human intelligence.
And one of the 9/11 Commission's principal conclusions in its final report was that, despite stellar technological improvements in intel-gathering, the United States must improve its human intelligence on the ground in the Middle East.
After consulting with Slack LaLane's chairman of frivilous ideas, the Ambiguously Gay Uno, I have come up with a viable and, frankly, excellent solution to our nation's intel problems: Send every Jewish woman in the country over there for the good of the United States.
Here are a few examples of their work:
--Last night AGU stopped off at La Pizzeria for a slice and a salad. In the process he bumped into one of his girlfriend's best friends, who proceded to call AGU's girlfriend immediately after exchanging goodbyes and report that he was eating pizza for dinner. The very second AGU came through our apartment door, the phone rang, and AGU's gal inquired about his poor dinner selection.
--In the winter of 1999, my buddy Lukas came to town for a day before the two of us picked up Donnie Fiedler on our way to the Phish shows in DC and Hampton, VA. Lukas and I went to pick up dinner at a restaurant for my parents and the two of us, and we ran into a friend of my mother's.
On the way home I joked to Lukas, who hails from Wisconsin and isn't familiar with the Lawn Gisland Yenta Spy Scene, that this woman would call my mother by the time we got home to say she saw me in the restaurant. Bear in mind this woman and her husband hadn't even gotten their entrees yet, but I knew she'd call right away. That's how it works. Sure enough, the second we waked in with the food, my mother came downstairs and said, "N.P. just called, she said she saw you picking up dinner." Yes, she did. Breaking news.
--When all my high school buddies started smoking the pot sophomore year in high school, my parents found out through the network and confronted me one night. The Regional Director of Yenta Intelligence had grilled her son and gotten the necessary information about our dabbling in the greenery. She then put out a stealth all points bulletin to parents everywhere. The exact same thing happened when we started drinking and smoking cigarettes. Our business was everybody in town's business (and yes, you probably shouldn't be doing these things at 14/15, I think we're all in agreement on that, I'm just tellin' a story here).
There is no doubt whatsoever in my clouded, feeble mind that Jewish women are the greatest clandestine spies on the planet. They're always on the job, never taking a night off. They're always stationed in the right place at the right time and they always know the best way to report the gossip they've just attained.
They rapidly fire questions at you incessantly until you reveal the exact information they need and do not cease or tone it down until you crack and crack hard. If you won't give up what you know, they'll change the question and catch you in a lie. That could go something like this:
"Do you have any WMDs, Muhammed?"
"Where are the WMDs, Mistah, I know you have 'em?"
"We don't have any, I promise. I'm not dumb enough to be fooling around with that stuff."
"My girl friend's cousin's butcher said she saw you and Maqtada running around behind the shed last night in the middle of the night. Is that where the WMDs are?"
"Please, lady, I don't know."
"Well, Shirley's uncle's dog-groomer's housekeeper Rosalita's immigration officer also told me that there's a good chance she saw you from 300 yards away when you were locking up the shed a few nights before that. How do you explain that, Muhammed?
"Okay, leave me alone already, the WMDs are in the fuckin' shed. Holy shitballs, woman, stop torturing me. I'd rather be in Abu Ghraib."
The Yenta Spies also know exactly when you walk through your door, as if they've installed secret motion sensors. They know when you go away, who you've been talking to, what you talked about, how many times you go into REM sleep at night...You cannot escape them, you cannot hide from them and you most certainly cannot maintain a shred of privacy nor dignity when dealing with these women.
And if safety is an issue, I wouldn't worry. Ever cut in front of one of these women in line? If so, you know the vengeful ire that spews forth from their lips. If you think you have 'em cornered they'll turn the tables on you faster than you can keep up. "You're arresting me? I'm arresting you, buster." And if they really get in trouble, as in a physical violence, I'm sure they can utliize their many Throwing Stars of David.
This is a no-brainer. It'll improve our national security here at home and ensure we never invade a country over faulty intelligence. Plus, think about all the newfound freedom you'll enjoy in your everyday life. You can thank me later.
And since this is a political speech of sorts, I'll sign off with, "May God continue to bless the United States of America."