Thursday, June 23, 2005


This is surely a good sign: A new Pew Research Center poll finds that citizens of the 16 countries surveyed view China more favorably than the United States. That's right, China, which I'm sure you'll all remember is run by Communists. People often accuse me of being a Commie, and even I like the United States better. But it's like they always say, "Any country whose citizens you can blind with freakin' dental floss is always preferable to round-eyed Yankees."

Not surprisingly, none of the 16 countries, including the United States, think the removal of Saddam Hussein from power has made the world any safer. And according to this article, "In most countries surveyed, Americans are seen as 'inventive' and 'hardworking', but they are also seen by many in both Western and predominately Muslim countries as 'violent' and 'greedy' - a judgement with which many Americans agree."

I'm actually on board with that last sentence, too. But I personally think the violent people of Aruba are much more violent than we are. Shit, their star baseball pitching exports are punching federal judges in the face and their federal judges are helping to eradicate underage Alabaman tourists. Man, this case has me intrigued to the tits.

I mean, what the fuck happened here? Did they snuff her out after a solid and legitimate gangbang? Did she OD and they dumped her body into the ocean instead of Mia Wallace-ing her alive? At this point, are the Arubian police just randomly arresting people like Dennis Leary and the NYPD looking for Thomas Crown in a bowler hat the Met? More importantly, did Sidney Ponson punch the same judge that got arrested today? Now, THAT would be an awesome story.

On a serious note, I absolutely love Aruba, and I recommend everyone look there as a vacation destination. The Cowboys used to go there on school breaks from time to time, and it may have been my favorite spot. The nightlife is limited, although it's hip enough that there's a woo-hoo! Carlos & Charlie's there. But it's got tons of casinos and hot Venezuelan women, perfect weather and they love to serve 14-year-olds as much liquor as they want. My buddy Meatballs actually puked all over the bar one night. We later dumped his body in the ocean.

In another installment of Ace's Self-Aggrandizing Celebrity Kiss-and-Tells, here's a weird and 100,000 percent true story from my 1995 Aruba trip: My parents took Meatballs and I to the island in April of our sophomore year in high school. On the first night, we ran into an old friend of mine from camp, who let us into her harem of incredibly hot girls. And that night we broke off into groups for the remainder of the trip -- or maybe we just played Red Rover, because Meatballs and I stole this one girl and ended up hanging out with her exclusively. I don't think we ever saw those other fine ladies for the rest of our time there.

Everywhere we went, she came with us. The three of us jetskiied and swam together, we played mini golf together, we all ate breakfast and lunch together every single day and our mothers bonded on the beach all week. When we'd sneak into the casino, she'd be there to play with blackjack us. Aside from sleeping, there wasn't a second of the trip the three of us weren't laughing together. Meatballs and I made a great, great friend on that vacation.

Upon returning home, we kept in touch a few times -- our mothers kept in touch for a couple of years -- but then it's the same old story. You know. She won an Emmy for Outstanding Younger Leading Actress in a Daytime Drama Series for her part on All My Children and hit the fucking big time and I, um, went back to doodling boobs in chemistry class. She turned out to be the Sarah Michelle Gellar and I turned out to be an unknown blogger (and Meatballs hasn't left his apartment since the 1920s, so who knows what he turned out to be).

Since I have one of the more unique real names on the planet, I'd bet she'd remember me, although probably not by my handsome face. Still, we'll always have Aruba. Oh yes, we'll always have Aruba.


At 5:54 PM, Blogger Jacob Eli said...

God damn, that is some story....which one got a piece--your or Meatballs? I hope it was Ace...and if it was neiher, well, you missed your shot, and I'm disappointed in you guys.

With regards to your real name, (not that I would dare reveal it here), that is a question I've been meaning to ask you for some time, or maybe I did and I just forgot. Where the hell did that one come from? Never heard it before, won't ever hear it again.

At 6:30 PM, Blogger The Ambiguously Gay Uno said...

I just got reminded of that Citibank commercial about identity theft where the married couple is debating whether or not they should reveal their real names... I actually think that commercial is rather clever.

And I'm pretty sure neither of them got a piece.

At 6:46 PM, Blogger Jason Mulgrew said...

I know Ace's real name. It's lovely.

By the way, not sure if I'll make it tomorrow night Ace. If I do, I'll be the guy wearing the WWF-style belt that says, "World's Most Gorgeous Human Being."

Seriously, can you guys make me a belt like that?

And seriously, how can I have known Ace for about a year and NOT have heard this story? All we do is talk about blogs and sports - a little story about befriending Sarah Michelle Gellar would have been a nice change of pace. I mean, sheesh.

At 8:07 PM, Anonymous Justin said...

This story is awesome.

I know Ace's real name.

I have no idea who got a piece that vacation except for the only part on the body that could get a piece. Prove me wrong.

Dude, I think you should contact her and try and get your butt onto the cover of some tabloids. Make sure you're wearing a SlackLalane.Blogspot.Com shirt with is Kind printed on the back. Pretend like you're her white trash Prince Charming.

At 8:46 AM, Blogger hoobs said...

ace writes it all as if he never saw smg again after that. but those of us in the know know that his real name is freddy prinze jr. when does scooby doo 3 come out? i loved you in she's all that.

"who is president rushmore?"
-kevin pollack

At 9:02 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

I seriously don't mean to play up these celeb stories -- Lord knows I really couldn't give a shit about celebrity culture. I just think they're funny as hell to tell and make for great material. And in the past I haven't really told people about this specific story because they don't really believe it.

Neither of us got any from her, and trust me, Meatballs and I discuss that matter just about every time we get together. Two complete morons. But in fairness to us, we were two 15 year old nothings, and she was a 17 year old actress on All My Chldren. Not good odds.

As for Ace's real name, anyone who wants the tale can ask off the blog. It's not that special, though -- it's from a 1961 movie with my name in the title. You can IMDB it, I'm sure. There actually are five other people in the country I know of with the same name, but that's about it as far as I know. One was a senator, one was a FG kicker at my alma mater, one's a family friend's cousin in Oklahoma, one's a NY chef featured in the Times a month back, and one got killed in the Coeur D'Alene, Idaho murders last month. Good times.

At 10:49 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

You mean the 15 year old guy who threw up on the bar didn't get any? Shocking. It always worked for John Belushi.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

.....And his name is Meatballs! Which does translate loosely into Love Machine.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

Actually, that Meatballs nickname is rather new...probably coined in 2002 or so.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Gypsy Rose said...

Oh, sorry. I meant no offense to Mr. Balls. It's just that the thought of a drunk 15 year old throwing up in public is funny to me in a "Spalding nooooo" kind of way.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger Ace Cowboy said...

For the record, the kid got the nicnkname because he LOVES meatballs. For real, he'll call the pizza place and order a dinner sized portion of meatballs AND a side order of meatballs. I'm not kidding.

He puked all over the actual bartop, not like in the corner of the bar. Not even sure anyone made a big deal about it. I loved being a kid. Rewind?

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Back Page Phil said...

Ace that SMG story is solid but did you know one of our "brothers" got his first bj from a nice young Scarlett Johansen?
That's some shit

At 2:24 PM, Blogger misterlister said...

Ace, don't be ashamed that your name is Kiki Vandeweghe. You had some great years in the league, even if your eccentric personality makes you a bit of a liability as a General Manager. And hell, you were the inspiration for Woody Harrelson's character in White Men Can't Jump. So who needs SMG when you've got Rosie Perez and her charming NewYoRican accent?


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